Fiddledeedee

I realize I’ve been scarce.  And weird.  More weird than usual.  So an excuse explanation is eminent.

You know how I talked about wanting to get into better shape around the first part of every year since I started blogging 3 years ago?  And then you don’t hear anything more from me on the subject?

It’s usually because I’ve fallen on my face and pretend I never talked about it in the first place, because avoidance?  It is a gift.

Well.  Out of desperation, Fiddledaddy and I went on the South Beach diet.  Phase 1.  For two of the longest weeks of my entire life.

I’m not kidding.

I wanted to die.

We did South Beach about 6 years ago, after I had Cailey.  And we enjoyed great success with it.  But honestly, I do not remember it being that hard.  I think that’s because I didn’t have 3 children, wasn’t homeschooling, and I was, you know, younger.

But I knew something drastic had to happen because for the last few months, I couldn’t get control of the cravings.  I would work out like a maniac, but then sit down and devour an entire bag of tortilla chips.

And call it carb loading.

And my sweet tooth?  It ruled my entire being.  Phase 1 of South Beach is about eliminating sugar and carbs, to get the cravings under control.  And people, the detox?  It wasn’t pretty.

Which has accounted for a good deal of my surly disposition lately.  And for sport, I timed the whole thing perfectly so that I enjoyed a round of menstruation during the ordeal.  Had cramps that would have crippled any ordinary man.  AWESOME.

We thankfully finished Phase 1 last weekend, and I didn’t cheat once.

I just prayed for death to come swiftly.

After all was said and done, I lost 8 pounds in those 2 weeks.  And the cravings?  I’m happy to report that I walked through Sam’s Club today, and SAMPLED NOTHING!  Not even the sheet cake.  And I was okay with that.

Before the detox, I would have not only sampled the cake, but disguised my appearance so that I could wander by and sample it 7 or 34 more times.

The weight loss will slow down to about 2 pounds a week now, and I have about 10 pounds to go.  I know how to low-carb meals, so I can thankfully go back to using e-Mealz meal planning (see left sidebar).  I’ve missed it.  Adding in more recipes to Phase 2 is essential to success.

Because I have a short attention span.

On Monday morning, I enjoyed my first complex carb in the form of a plate of Oatmeal Pancakes.  My joy was obvious.  And a happy mom, means a happy household.  My children are happy to have Nice Mommy back.

I’ll keep you updated.  Even if I’m face down on the linoleum.

I love to come here and tell you of my successes.

Like the time I ate an entire column of Oreo-wanna-be’s in one sitting.  Or when I bit into a piece of Easter chocolate only to discover it was in actuality, a rock.  Or when I dug through the trash to retrieve two cookies, thrown away the day prior.

Or when I slithered into my one piece bathing suit, and took on the persona of a stuffed sausage.

Giving sausages everywhere a bad name.

Yes, proud moments.

Last December I boldly stated that I was hopping back on the South Beach Diet bandwagon to shed those unwanted pregnancy pounds (last pregnancy was nearly 4 years ago, but who’s counting).  And a bunch of y’all got on with me in an effort to make this year about getting fit and feeling great.

So, here it is the middle of February and I wanted to let you all know how it was going.

I fell flat on my face.

I completely underestimated the fact that the last time I tried (and succeeded) with South Beach I only had 2 kids, and I wasn’t attempting to homeschool anyone.

In other words, I was not prepared.

I’ve completely regrouped and I’m trying something a little simpler.  It involves eating 6 times a day (for metabolism), combining a protein and healthy carb at every meal, portion control, and working out SIX times a week.  I even took the dreaded “before” picture.  That was sobering.

I won’t go into any more detail than that.  When I see the results, I’ll spill my guts.  What’s left of ‘em.

What this has meant, is that on alternate days, I will be reacquainting myself with my treadmill.

The same treadmill that was buried in the garage.  Underneath 4 bicycles, one big wheel trike, a crib (which I then used as a barricade to keep small children away from said treadmill), a used wedding dress (worn once), and a bag of old decrepit toys that I intend to throw away (don’t tell Cailey).

The children followed me out to the garage to see what was up.  Jensen eyed the treadmill when it was finally unearthed.  “Whassthat mama?”

I tried to explain it to him.  “Um, mommy walks on it.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to exercise?”

“Why?”

Because I packed on 50 pounds with you, and you children KIND OF STRESS ME OUT and exercise is really good for stress SO I’M TOLD and I just want to have 20 minutes to myself to walk on this darn thing while listening to my HAPPY MUSIC on my iPod without the fear of you people setting the house ablaze!!!!!

Okay.  I just thought all of that.  What I actually said was more along the lines of, “Because it will make mommy happy.”

And with that, I flipped the switch, shoved my iPod earbuds into place, and blasted off.

“Mommy, what’s all that squeaking?”

I look down at the treadmill to a label at the base which reads “The quiet treadmill.”  After so many years of nonuse, it could use a little oil I reckon.  Couldn’t we all.

I turned the music up louder and walked faster.

With three pairs of eyes glued to me.  Like they’ve never seen me walk before.

It was only slightly unnerving.

Eventually they lost interest and played on the floor of the garage, just to be near me.

I figured I was safe to have my happy tunes blasting my eardrums because if there were a ear splitting scream from my children I’m certain I’d hear it because of my heightened mommy sixth sense, and I knew that if blood were spurting from anyone, I could catch it in my peripheral vision.

I finished my 20 minutes, and put in another 10 just for penance for all those downed Oreos from so long ago.

I have an awfully long road ahead of me.  One step at a time.  And if I fall on my face, I’ll just get back up, dust the crumbs off my shirt, and forge ahead.

Just before the end of 2008, I posted my desire to lose weight, and get healthier.

In other words, I’m sick and tired of looking like a sausage.

I started back on the South Beach diet at the beginning of last week. This eating plan includes two weeks of NO CARBS or SUGAR (including fruits). Proteins and vegetables are highly desirous.

Desirous may be too strong of a word.

Because what I was desirous of, was an entire column of Club Crackers.

A happy byproduct of Phase 1, is that by cleansing your body of the sugars, you greatly reduce the cravings.

And we all know that I have little to no will power as of late. There are far fewer Churros at Disney World, because of me.

But it’s working. I know this because I went to Epcot on Wednesday for a family field trip (insert air quotes), and not one Churro did I consume. In fact, I packed myself all my healthy food and that’s what I lived on.

This is progress. Remember, I’m the girl that has gone dumpster diving to retrieve a forgotten Oreo. Which I then ate. Followed by the licking of the fingers.

Thursday brought with it a real challenge. I found out that I had a meeting scheduled to discuss a possible project which I cannot even talk about or I’d have to kill all of you. And the locale of the meeting was KRISPY KREME. I dearly love Krispy Kreme donuts. I’m getting woozy just thinking about it.

And people, I did not eat one. NOT ONE. Instead, I demurely dined on my fat free/sugar free/taste free yogurt. And then ate the carton it came in.

Drum roll.

I have lost 5 pounds. I have a long haul ahead of me. After this week, I’ll probably only be able to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week on Phase 2. Phase 2 allows you to reintroduce two servings of healthy carbs back into your meal plan, plus fruit.

There’s no magical secret here. I’ve simply finally gotten determined. And as stubborn as I am, when I set my mind to something, I’m not moveable.

Just ask Fiddledaddy.

I have a couple of tips that really have helped me that I wanted to share.

•A glass of Tomato or Vegetable Juice is an immediate pick-me-up.

•No guilt. NEVER beat yourself up if you slip a bit. Tomorrow is another day.

•Check out this South Beach recipe for roasted Chickpeas. Sounds odd, but I love them and it satisfies my need to crunch on something.

So, how are you all doing? What plan are you using, and share any tips or suggestions. I’ve posted Mr. Linky below. All you need to do is link your specific post. And if you don’t have a blog, use the comments section.

After spending nearly 6 days at Disney World, and walking 794 miles, you would think that I’d have lost a little weight.

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG!

Because Disney World serves Churros, my friends. Little carts line Main Street, and kindly vendors will hand you one of these long fried morsels of deliciousness covered in cinnamon and sugar.

AND GET THIS! All you have to do is hand over money to receive one. Or 27.

So now my stretchypants are feeling a little snug. And my willpower has not only left the building, but the country as well.

And you know what that means.

It’s time to go back on South Beach. Phase 1. Since Phase 16 doesn’t seem to be working for me.

I’ve written about the South Beach diet before. In between child #2 and #3 I lost quite a bit of weight. But after packing on 50 plus pounds with Junior, and still carrying around a bit of baby weight (the baby is almost 4), it’s time to do it again.

I started Phase 1 last summer with great success, at about the time Jensen was diagnosed with severe food allergies. And after the diagnosis, I started eating everything rice and potato based right along with him.

But look! It seems that Rice and Potatoes are a carb! And carbs in massive quantities are not my friend.

Because I like to garner sympathy be transparent, I will document my weight struggles on this blog. But I wanted to get a consensus.

Who wants to do it with me?

C’mon, it’ll be fun!

If enough of you are game, I’ll do a little Mr. Linky thing on Fridays so you can share your failures, success, recipes, tips, or extreme displeasure that I even suggested this in the first place.

Of course we should weight wait until after the first of the year because that’s what everyone does. Resolutions. Whatever.

Let me know if you’re in. And if you’ve ever lost weight on The South Beach Diet.

And if you’re worried, it was written by a REAL doctor, it is a healthy lifestyle of eating, AND the recipes are wonderful. (You can check the cookbooks out at your local library.)

AND it does allow chocolate in Phase 2, which follows Phase 1 (2 weeks). Caffeine is allowed in all Phases. Otherwise, I would have chucked the whole thing out of the window.

Have I sold you on this yet?

Trish and I braved the muscle building class again. It has been two weeks since we last subjected ourselves to that type of torture. Frankly, because it has taken two weeks for our biceps, triceps, and all the rest of their friends to heal.

And just like one is likely to forget the pain of childbirth, and foolishly give it another go, we traipsed back to the scene of the crime. No pain. No gain. Blah, blah, blahhhhh.

One reason we endure this type of torture, is that we can leave our children in the care of really wonderful childcare providers. Right there at the gym. And the large play area is monitored so that we can check on them, without them seeing us.

Because children should be seen and not heard.

Oh, I could not keep from snickering as I typed that last sentence. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that growing up. Well. Okay, my parents never said it. But, probably should have. I’m quite sure that Ma Ingalls said it liberally.

That saying is the main reason I would like to invent a Plexiglas soundproof partition for my van. Between the drivers row and the cheap seats in the rear of the van.

Police cars have them. Mommy vans should as well.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Hell The gym.

After class, we drug our sweaty disheveled selves back to collect the children. Who were all having a marvelous time, frolicking with their cousins.

When we walked in, my young 4 year old nephew proudly announced to me, in a rather loud 4 year old voice, “AUNT DEEDEE, MY BWOTHER SHOWED JENSEN HOW TO DO A ARM FART!”

Because we all know that the best lessons are learned from our peers.

It was a proud parenting moment for Aunt Trish.

It made my day. Usually it’s my children saying something highly inappropriate. In public. Like Monday, when Jensen announced to Aunt Trish and everyone within earshot that his daddy taught him how to pee in a McDonalds cup.

Anyhoo, tonight I will sleep with the ice packs. And tomorrow, I’ll whine about how sore I am. As I type with my nose. Then, as the soreness subsides, I’ll go back. For more torture.

Because I never learn.