I’m of the opinion that anyone considering procreating, should be forced to go grocery shopping with my children. This is the litmus test I would use to decide if you really have the strength/fortitude/patience/resilience to have children of your own.
I’ll admit that times have changed since Jensen was stroller bound with sensory issues which caused him to scream from the moment he entered the automatic doors of the grocery store until the hasty end of the trip wherein we would ALL run screaming through the exit.
And shopping trips are a bit better since that time we made the news.
But now that my children are older, they use the shopping experience as an opportunity to enact a public vendetta against the sibling who has offended them the most for that particular day. Therefore, I’ve begun to employ the art of divide and conquer. I learned the hard way that I cannot leave the 3 of them in the car. Alone. Even though the oldest occupant is now 13. Leaving them alone in the van is rather like trapping 3 feral cats together.
Today I had to make not one, but TWO trips to two different Publix in an effort to obtain great deals using the BOGO offer with the addition of store AND manufacturers coupons. Of course what I saved was probably used up in the price of gas. And lost brain cells.
I parked the two sisters on a PUBLIC bench to wait for me while I tore around the store with Jensen in tow. And by in tow, I mean that I planted him in the big middle of the cart so that I could keep better tabs on him. He has the attention span of a gnat, and has been known to take off for parts unknown if his interest wanders. By the time we got to the check-out line, I assumed it was safe to release him from his prison. I told him to sit on the bench located just 6 feet in front of me wherein I could keep track of him through my heightened peripheral vision.
The transaction took longer than usual since a price check was necessary (netting me a FREE box of protein bars). I kept issuing instructions to Jensen as he wreaked havoc in the front of the store. As I was paying, the gal bagging groceries on the next aisle got my attention with, “Is he okay?” I look over to see Jensen completely sprawled out on the floor of Publix. Not moving. I assured her, “He’s fine. He spontaneously falls to the floor ALL THE TIME. At least he’s not naked.”
And with that I closed up my purse, gathered my purchases, and collected my son off of the floor as I made a bee-line for the exit.
So if you’re considering giving birth anytime soon, my children are available for rent. Let’s see if you’ve really got what it takes.