Why no one has ever offered me a cooking show

I spent the better part of the evening working on some recipes that I need to use in an upcoming review post.  I generally pride myself on being proficient in the kitchen, but tonight?  There was carnage and casualties.

None of which will make it into the review post.

But when it comes out some time next month, you all will know the back story.

I have a small glass casserole dish that I had placed on the back of the stove.  I was working on 2 recipes simultaneously which should not be a problem since I AM WOMAN, WATCH ME MULTI-TASK.  When it came time to put together the 2nd of the two recipes, I reached for the smaller glass casserole dish, with the thought that I needed to wash out the no-stick spray, since I was opting for a bigger dish.

I lifted the glass dish up and noticed a WHITE HOT BURNING SENSATION on my fingers.  I let the dish clatter to the floor.  I had evidently forgotten about the earlier usage of the back burner, which heated the glass casserole dish up to a toasty 400 or so degrees.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that the dish hit the floor but did not break.  But then I noticed SMOKE AND BURNING VINYL as the dish was melting the cheap linoleum on the kitchen floor.

I grabbed the pot holders and put the glass pan in the sink.  And what with science and all, the immediate cooling affect of the sink cause the glass pan to EXPLODE into a million shards of razor sharp glass all in the sink.

What I haven’t mentioned so far is that all this time, Fiddledaddy was standing in the doorway.  With each catastrophe, he audibly gasped, not knowing what to do, but having the good sense TO STAY OUT OF THE LINE OF FIRE.

When the pan exploded in the sink, he gasped even louder, causing me to jump 10 feet into the air.  All he saw was that I jumped and grabbed my face.  He concluded that I likely had shards of glass protruding from all of my important facial features.

I jumped and grabbed my mouth because HE SCARED ME SO BADLY WHAT WITH ALL THE AUDIBLE GASPING IN THE BACKGROUND.

Carefully, I removed all of the glass from the sink, and even had to delve down into the garbage disposal to pick pieces out one by one with my naked fingers.  I tell you what, I have a deep and abiding fear of the garbage disposal spontaneously TURNING ON with my hand fumbling around down there in the dark.

At last the mess was cleaned up, and my wounded pride dusted off.

But there is evidence.

As if the cheap linoleum wasn’t ugly enough on its own.

I reckon this will step up my effort to pull together enough money for Phase 2 of the house re-flooring project.  Because fortunately, Phase 2 includes the kitchen.

Fiddledaddy offered to go to Wal-Mart for me to procure an AREA RUG to hide my unsightly mistake.  I prefer to view it every day as a reminder that the job of chef in this house ought to include HAZARD PAY.

The end.

December 22, 2011

14 Responses to Why no one has ever offered me a cooking show

  • So sorry all that happened, but I am glad that you came out ok!!

  • Ooof, you’ve hit on one of my worst fears. . .glass shattering due to extreme temperature changes.

    You do unplug your disposal before inserting your hand, right???

  • Oh My Goodness! I’m so glad that your face is OK. Everything can be fixed or replaces but you can not. Did you do just to move up Phase 2 sooner??? I thought not but it did cross my mind for a short moment.

  • You know how some people see Jesus in burnt toast?

    I think I see Noah’s Ark.

  • You had angels cooking with you today! So glad you weren’t hurt! Now take a break and order some take out. :).

  • Oh my. I have had those days too, Dee Dee. And, there is a burn mark in my kitchen counter to prove it. Always set hot pans on a pad, just sayin’. 🙂

    Seriously, I’m so glad you weren’t hurt. You definitely had angels watching over you. 🙂

  • Fiddle Daddy is right! Look, it’s Noah’s Ark in a cute diagonal frame! 🙂

    Last night I made rice. Simple enough,right? Wrong. The fam thought I hadn’t made enough and requested a second batch so they could fill up and have some for lunch today. I told DS11 that I would make some if he would wash the pan first. He did, using a Pampered Chef nylon scraper to scrape off the bottom of the pan. He left the scraper on the edge of the sink. I put the pot on the scraper to fill the pot with rice and water. The scraper stuck to the bottom of the pan. I put the pan on the 1960s gas stovetop and turned on the burner. The scraper melted and started on fire. I quickly rolled up a dishtowel to use as a pot holder (because of course there wasn’t a potholder nearby) and moved the pan into the empty sink. Scraper still flaming on the stove top. DS11 took a spoon and tried to flip the scraper from the stove. Molten scraper landed on my hand. DS8 saw the flames and ran outside! Finally I soaked a rag and doused the flaming scraper. And peeled the cold hard burnt plastic off my finger.

    DD4 was in the living room singing off key Christmas carols, DD6 was flipping around the living room and DH was on the computer completely oblivious to Curly, Larry and Moe trying to put out a kitchen fire!

  • I did a similar thing a few years back. I put a glass casserole dish cover on top of a burner and accidentally turned on that burner instead of another one. I then went and picked up the cover to put it away and when I felt it was burning hot, dropped it on my vinyl floor. It broke and also left a burn mark on the floor that haunted me for years until we got a new floor. It was nothing compared to your “Noah’s Ark” burn, but I would get annoyed at it every time I saw it because the mark looked like a dead cockroach on the floor from far away. I was so happy to get laminate and then I dropped a pan and it dented – in the same place of the old burn. Luckily it is just a dent. Glad you are OK.

  • Last week I burned my paws on a pan handle I had sitting on the stove while I was cooking London Broil in the oven, on BROIL. So it was so hot and the funny part was that my hubby had just walked in the kitchen because I set of the fire alarm when something was in the bottom of the oven and was burning/smoking heavily. He got to watch the whole incident. Basically, me freaking out-burning myself, the dog howling at the fire alarm in the background, and the kids running around asking if they needed to grab the presents under the tree before the house burned down.
    Just another quiet evening at home eating a nice home cooked meal June Cleaver style. Ha!

  • I was just thinking this morning about how I seemed to have misplaced my kitchen mojo. And I now have two batches of fudge and one batch of rolls to make. This wasn’t the best preparation for that. I’m a little afraid to get into the kitchen today! Just kidding. Glad you are all ok! Yay for new flooring! You know, my sister once used bleach on my parents beige carpet to clean up a mess and the home owner’s insurance ended up covering the cost of replacing the carpet. I wonder if that would be applicable in your case.

  • I love you! 🙂 Merry Christmas and as always, thanks for the laughs. I’m sorry about Mater, though not being anything remotely resembling a “dog person” myself, I can’t imagine how you kept him so long! I hope you all have a good week with no more cooking incidents!

  • I so related to this! I tried to make baked apples for my family as a treat and put them on the stove to cool. Of course no one wanted any… We were in a rush to go somewhere so I put a pot of water on the stove to boil for spaghetti. You can guess where this is going. I turned on the wrong burner by mistake. I was in the bathroom putting on makeup when I heard an explosion. I initially thought my kids had done something. I came out ready to yell and saw my youngest running from the flames and the oldest barely looked up from the computer to see what was going on. My pyrex dish exploded all over my linoleum and put many small burn marks all over the kitchen floor. Luckily we were unscathed but the floor serves as a reminder that cooking is dangerous!