Don’t bug me

I have a deep and abiding fear of bugs, particularly those of the roach variety.  When Fiddledaddy and I were dating, he once was horrified to find a petrified flattened roach on the door frame of my kitchen pantry.

“How long as that been there?”

“I don’t know, a year or two.”

Blink.  Blink.

“Why?”

“To serve as a warning to any of his roach family or friends.  Don’t screw with me.”

So in reality he knew what he was getting long before he married me.

When I lived in Texas many years ago, I lived in a basement apartment with a band of flying roaches.  Some called them water bugs, but that term frankly was a little too tame for me.  These things were black, the size of a saltine, and would fly willy nilly into my hair with no provocation whatsoever.

It scarred me.

When we first moved to the sunshine state I heard rumors of bugs as big as your head so I made Fiddledaddy promise to make friends with a pest extermination company.  We’ve had them come to our house yearly since we moved in.

And I can tell you that we’ve not had any pest issues.  Save for the great plague of frogs from a couple of years ago.  But they make no promises regarding amphibian foe.  But this year we have had what I would call an infestation of roaches.  And by infestation, I’m talking of maybe a dozen sightings in the last year.  Just so we’re clear, this has nothing to do with the state of my housekeeping.  Because I’ve been living with a bunch of slobs for years.  Long before the roach invasion.

The pest control company have been dutifully coming to my aid when I’ve been spotting these critters in-between yearly visits.  But I think that a particularly hearty variety of cockroach has taken up residence.  The variety THAT WILL NOT DIE.

About a week ago I was straightening up the kid’s bathroom and just happened to look up.  On the vent, directly above my head, was perched a roach about 3 inches in diameter, hanging upside-down.

All he needed to do was just LET GO, and I would have been featured on the evening news.

I may or may not have shrieked as I took one giant leap out of the bathroom.  I haven’t made any sort of leap in years, btw.  I summoned Fiddledaddy to take care of things, because that’s his duty.  It’s in our marriage vows, section 42, article 9.

While I went to look for a gun, he assessed the situation.  By the time I returned, he alerted me to the fact that the roach had disappeared back up into the vent.  So he got out our Diatomaceous Earth, which is suppose to be like kryptonite for bugs, to spray up into the vent.

When we regained consciousness from the powdery fumes, we could see the industrial sized cockroach staring out from the vent.  Mocking us.  I could swear he was bigger.

A few times I’ve passed by the bathroom to see him hanging upside-down from the vent.  And each time I threaten to send Fiddledaddy in with a flip flop, he disappears again.

Since the vent is located directly above the toilet, the women in the house have made a pact never ever to sit there again.  Which is a dicey proposition when you have 5 people in the house and only two thrones.

I’ve come up with a solution.

Behold.

When the going gets desperate.  The desperate get creative.

12 Responses to Don’t bug me

  • I feel your pain! I hate bugs and although we do not have those water bugs you speak of we do have spiders, lots of spiders and I have woken up my husband from a dead sleep to kill the spider in the shower so that I can get in there! I think Fiddledaddy needs to go into the bathroom every time has anyone has to go and yell at it to make it go into the vent so that the throne is clear. Maybe it will die from hat!

  • I have heard that they can survive a nuclear explosion.
    How about waiting for it to retreat into the vent and then,covering the vent with a piece of ladies nylon stocking taped around the edges? You could colour match the stocking and tape to the decor.

  • I couldn’t stop laughing to type …..love it. So glad you are still on the up and up health wise.

  • I am soooo right there with you girl! I am TERRIFIED of roaches and spiders! Totally terrified. To me, they are worse than snakes! Probably because most snakes won’t just drop from the ceiling onto you or crawl up your leg and can’t fly- you know? Do you remember that commercial a few years ago for that exterminating company where they make it look like a roach is crawling across the screen? That was pure evil because it made me scream like the girl in the Alien movie – not just once but every time I saw it!! And why did they only show that commercial late at night anyway? Evil!!!

  • bwahahahahaha, laughing so hard at your umbrella! That is awesome.

  • We have scorpions here in AZ, so we put a fine mesh screen under the vents in the “throne rooms” to keep them from dropping down on you when you least expect it. I feel your pain! Blessings to you and yours. 🙂

  • Let me tell you about my experience with the evil “palmetto bug.” A couple of decades ago I was getting ready for bed around 11pm, when at the top of the wall near the ceiling was the evil demon. Since our city in South Florida has won prizes for the length and girth of said demon, it is not at all surprising to find one occasionally mocking one from above. I decided I did not want to spray it and have poisons circulating in the air all night so I got a shoe….

    Now you would think, “Hey, she’s brave!” Well, since I had no male in residence to protect me, maiden that I was, I had to take the matter into my own hands. I put my foot on top of an old piece of furniture a couple of feet off the ground and hoisted myself up with said shoe ready to make the bug meet it’s maker. Unfortunately, palmetto bugs fly, and this ginormous prize winner flew at me and somehow, in my fright, I injured my ankle and fell. Think about how your ankle bends inward, well mine went the other way. I had broken my ankle (and came THIS close to surgery,) plus had to have a cast for 8 weeks because of my hatred of “the beast!” And when I went to bed that night (not having been to the doctor yet because I could still bend it – so of course it could not be broken!) the evil demon was still there mocking me.

  • I’m telling ya, these urban critters are tough. I think it’s only out in the wild that “they are more scared of you”. I had a mouse flip me off before he squeezed his large rear end under the dishwasher once. I’m pretty sure his name was Vinnie.

    Do what ya gotta do. I’m waiting for you to rig up a belt that has bug spray, a slipper that is used to hit the bug, tongs for grabbing the carcass, and an endless supply of garbage bags attached to it with the caption “The Bug-anator takes no prisoners”. 😉

  • I am so happy to know that I’m not the only one that considers that number of bugs an “infestation”. We are being OVERRUN in Fort Worth right now, and by that I mean seeing them AT ALL. I pay someone to come to my home once a month, all to make sure I don’t have to see those things, EVER. My husband tells me it’s because it is too dry and they’re looking for water, and to look at the bright side…they’re dying as soon as they come in so at least they’re already on their backs. Yuck. I can’t stand them dead or alive. I feel your pain!!!

  • Family legend has it that I was born 6 weeks early because a swarm of the flying-type roach surprised my mother in their condemned married student housing, causing her to go into hysterics and when my daddy shook her a little to get her to calm down, her water broke and I was born 3 hours later. You’d think I’d be afaid. I used to shriek and call for a man/boy/braver woman or even a toddler. Then, I decided that I was tired of those sorry, uninvited freeloading nasty things and declared war. I chase them with whatever I can find (often my shoe) and I cackle with glee when I smash them. I *might* have been found by the Rocket Man on the kitchen floor smashing one shouting, “DIE!” several years ago. At which he shook his head and walked away muttering, “My sweet little chuch secretary wife.” No prisoners! (BTW…we have tried every means of pest control known to our beloved corner of the South but if all the neighbors don’t also use pest control, and if you have lots of pine trees…in the neighbors’ yards, all the pest control in the world is not going to keep them out of your house)

  • I totally feel your pain. The umbrella gave me quite a chuckle.

    However, I wanted to let you know that I have always heard that diatomaceous earth, while safe to ingest, can be dangerous to breathe and can cause damage to your lungs. I only mention this because you said you put it in your air vent.

  • LOL! Too funny. That’s a hilarious idea!