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That kind of day

You know how the other day I was discussing the dangers lurking in my back yard as I attempt to extract my daily dose of Vitamin D from the sunshine?  Well.  Because I’m never one to give up easily, I headed back out there today, to sit in the sunshine, in my brassiere.  Or sports bra, if you will.

While we are enjoying cooler temperatures here in Equator, Florida, the afternoon warmed up enough to be able to sit in the sun.  While wearing shorts, sunglasses, and a bra.

And not to worry, Fiddledaddy fixed the 6 foot privacy fence.  Using some gum and rusty nails.  Because that’s how we roll around here.  And to drive this point home, today Fiddledaddy asked Emme to sew the strings back on our kitchen chair cushions.  She instead chose to use the stapler.  I kid you not.

Meanwhile in the backyard, Fiddledaddy had my portable camping chair all set up for me.  It has a foot rest, which doesn’t retract, so I imagine I’m quite a sight navigating the entry and exit from the chair, what with my bum knee, uncooperative left arm, and lame right hand.

Add to that, my need to juggle my sunglasses, headphones, and iPhone so that I can crank that bad boy WAY HIGH to drown out the sounds of my children.  For 20 blissful minutes.

It’s therapeutic, all the way around.

I settled myself into the chair, which was no small feat.  The children had grown bored of the outdoors and had retreated inside.  I had my music perfectly adjusted.

I was alone.

And all was right with the world.

As I was listening to the soothing sounds of Barry White, I felt something on my chest.  And looked down in time to see a wasp march down into my bra.  It’s not that there’s a lot of cleavage giving a wasp much leeway, but this wasp found what little there is, and made his way in.

I say “he” because, well, you know.

Anyhoo.  In one hand I held my iPhone, and the other was busily attempting to turn the music off.  So that I could hear myself screaming.  Then thankfully I had the good idea to try to extract the wasp, but apparently all the screaming brought forth my children.  And well, I tried to maintain some sense of modesty and decorum.  So that no one would end up in therapy.

I could no more jump out of my chair, than fly, so I sat there earphones flying, while I tried to evict the wasp from my NIPPLE.  Without angering the WASP and scarring my children.  In that moment, I envisioned the ambulance carting me away while my husband tried to explain how a wasp stung me on my nipple, and the medic muttering under his breath, “mister, that’s the least of her problems…”

I don’t know how it happened, most likely the grace of God, but the wasp flew heavenward, without stinging me.  And my children remain mostly unscathed.

I, however, will be doing my required sunbathing in a turtle neck from now on.  Holding a can of Raid.

Those Vitamin D supplements are looking better and better to me every day.  If the Vitamin D deficiency doesn’t kill me, my backyard will.

21 Responses to That kind of day

  • All I can say is I would love to be your neighbor. What a great morning laugh.

  • Oh my gosh, DeeDee. This is one of your BEST.

  • Flash back – I was 6 and in a FULL leg cast (tip of the toe to the top of the thigh) sitting in the back yard and a yellow jacket decided that flying down my cast to sting me on my mid thigh would be fun! {shudder] Hadn’t thought of that in years!!!

    There does seem to be a rise in the population of wasps this year! I’ve threatened to get a hundred of these and put them all around our house! Ok, at least one by each door!


  • I should have known better but that made me snort while drinking my Diet Dr. Pepper! There is a lot to be said about better health through pills. 🙂

  • Just what you need is a swollen nip on top of everything else! I’m glad he flew off without giving it to ya…other than giving you a heart attack. Good luck with the turtleneck.

  • Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

  • That is one area of my body that I definitely DO NOT want to be stung! OUCH! Glad he left you without stinging!! Thanks for a great laugh this morning. 🙂

  • Yes, the wasps and yellow jackets seems to be truly awful this year. We have quite a few around our patio. I plan to seek out their nest tonight and see if I can get rid of them. The lady who was stung by over a thousand, she has been on the national news, was a personal friend and her house not too far from mine. That has made me more cautious than usual to say the least.
    Glad the wasp was just “fishing around” and not looking to sting. When your kids have kids they are going to have great stories to tell them about their grandmother, snicker snicker!

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Uhm, I mean, goodness, I’m so glad you’re okay….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (I am totally posting this on facebook). Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  • Okay, I am Laughing Out Loud in the middle of the hospital waiting room right now (waiting on my sis who is having a procedure)! People are starting to stare…… :oP

  • You know, we are in Armpit, FL, and have found ourselves with a couple of free days – Wednesday and Thursday. If you’re up for it, we’re in a lovely condo complex with a huge heated pool for the kids and lots of sunshine. And no bees 🙂

  • You certainly have a way with words! What a hilarious story. This reminds me of the time a grasshopper jumped down my shirt and started squirming around…

  • oh my….I love the humorous way you look at things. This is right up there with the tampon story.

  • OK, I just wanted to say (since this IS a homeschooling mom blog) that for the first time, my Internet filtering software wouldn’t allow me to access your blog until I overrode it, and of course, now I understand why . . . glad you didn’t get stung, but appreciated the laughs!

  • Oh, Deedee, thanks so much for the laughs. You are a joy. May God bless and heal you SOON!

  • I would commiserate with you,but I’m too busy laughing.

    Those insects/bugs/whathaveyou’s scare me to death. Hello, I’m Virginia a 40-something year old woman who is still deathly afraid of wasps/bees/hornets..etc. But I have a good reason….I’m allergic.

    Oh, and remember my comment about *what* body part needed exposure to the sun? I’m not thinking it was that part. LOL

  • Oh. My. Goodness. That is funny! Very considerate of you, I might add, to think of your children’s need to be left unscarred as you were trying to evict said wasp!!!! 🙂 I definitely laughed out loud on that story.

  • Big chuckles! Too funny!

    Your last post was entitled “There’s a nip in the air” and then tonight your post is about your nipple! hehehe! I know it wasn’t funny at the time, but gosh it sure was funny in the telling.


  • Oh, yikes!!!! The wasps and yellow jackets are always on a rampage at this time of the year, aren’t they? They’re EVERYWHERE, and they just don’t want to leave people alone. I always think it’s b/c it’s about to get too cold for them, and they’re mad about it. They’re out for one last hurrah before they get shut down. That’s my theory.

    So glad he left you with nothing worse than an adrenaline rush and maybe a little embarrassment! 🙂

  • “that’s how we roll around here”

    My husband sent out a Facebook msg saying he fixed our toilet with a paper clip (don’t ask) and wondered if he was officially a redneck now? But I think your staples and rusty nails trump our paper clip! 🙂

    Please keep the laughter coming! Beware of those Christmas wishes. Five years ago I had surgery 2 days before Christmas and on Christmas the doctor took away my Campbell’s chicken noodle soup broth! 🙁 Though I was happy to have surgery and find out what was causing all of my stomach pain, I didn’t enjoy watching my family eat their Christmas dinner! I’m over it though, really! 🙂