You know how the other day I was discussing the dangers lurking in my back yard as I attempt to extract my daily dose of Vitamin D from the sunshine? Well. Because I’m never one to give up easily, I headed back out there today, to sit in the sunshine, in my brassiere. Or sports bra, if you will.
While we are enjoying cooler temperatures here in Equator, Florida, the afternoon warmed up enough to be able to sit in the sun. While wearing shorts, sunglasses, and a bra.
And not to worry, Fiddledaddy fixed the 6 foot privacy fence. Using some gum and rusty nails. Because that’s how we roll around here. And to drive this point home, today Fiddledaddy asked Emme to sew the strings back on our kitchen chair cushions. She instead chose to use the stapler. I kid you not.
Meanwhile in the backyard, Fiddledaddy had my portable camping chair all set up for me. It has a foot rest, which doesn’t retract, so I imagine I’m quite a sight navigating the entry and exit from the chair, what with my bum knee, uncooperative left arm, and lame right hand.
Add to that, my need to juggle my sunglasses, headphones, and iPhone so that I can crank that bad boy WAY HIGH to drown out the sounds of my children. For 20 blissful minutes.
It’s therapeutic, all the way around.
I settled myself into the chair, which was no small feat. The children had grown bored of the outdoors and had retreated inside. I had my music perfectly adjusted.
I was alone.
And all was right with the world.
As I was listening to the soothing sounds of Barry White, I felt something on my chest. And looked down in time to see a wasp march down into my bra. It’s not that there’s a lot of cleavage giving a wasp much leeway, but this wasp found what little there is, and made his way in.
I say “he” because, well, you know.
Anyhoo. In one hand I held my iPhone, and the other was busily attempting to turn the music off. So that I could hear myself screaming. Then thankfully I had the good idea to try to extract the wasp, but apparently all the screaming brought forth my children. And well, I tried to maintain some sense of modesty and decorum. So that no one would end up in therapy.
I could no more jump out of my chair, than fly, so I sat there earphones flying, while I tried to evict the wasp from my NIPPLE. Without angering the WASP and scarring my children. In that moment, I envisioned the ambulance carting me away while my husband tried to explain how a wasp stung me on my nipple, and the medic muttering under his breath, “mister, that’s the least of her problems…”
I don’t know how it happened, most likely the grace of God, but the wasp flew heavenward, without stinging me. And my children remain mostly unscathed.
I, however, will be doing my required sunbathing in a turtle neck from now on. Holding a can of Raid.
Those Vitamin D supplements are looking better and better to me every day. If the Vitamin D deficiency doesn’t kill me, my backyard will.