Up on a Roof

Last night I was sitting at my computer minding my own beeswax, when I heard a horse trollop across our roof.  Back and forth, to and fro, hither and yon galloped the horse.

Reasoning took over and I realized that it would be highly unlikely that a horse actually made it up to our roof, much less was able to keep its balance while running back and forth.

So, I assumed it must be a burglar.  Not a very smart burglar, but a burglar.  And it just took him a while to notice that we didn’t have a chimney for him to shimmy down.  But still, he took a good deal of time making sure there was no entrance into our house from the roof, as referenced by the aforementioned running back and forth.

It’s not a large roof, and as the ruckus continued, I began to think that perhaps it was a raccoon on the roof.  A really well maintained raccoon that rarely missed a meal.

Finally I’d had enough, and wanted to verify exactly what was on the roof.  I went in search of the industrial sized flash light.  Both industrial sized flash lights were completely void of battery power.  Which is awesome, since we’re well into the hurricane season.  I settled on the smaller inferior emergency flashlight.  I hobbled down the hall in the dark towards the front door.

From Fiddledaddy’s office I hear a booming voice, “Where do YOU think you’re going?” Just like when I was 14 and my dad caught me attempting to sneak out of the house.

“I’m going out to see what’s on the roof?”

“Seriously?” He refers to my leg brace, “You’re going outside in the dark to face who knows what, hobbling around in THAT?”

I begin to reassess my plan.  What if the raccoon should suddenly jump off of the roof on top of me.  It’s not like I could out run it.  Or fight it off.

“Okay.  You go,” I challenged him.

“I’m not going out there.”

“Fine.” And I laid the flashlight down where he could find it.  Because I knew curiosity would get the best of him eventually.

A few minutes later, after more scurrying around on the roof by the freakishly large raccoon, Fiddledaddy exits his office.  “Fine.  I’ll go.”

Clutching the flash light, he opens the back door and disappears into the darkness.

Silence.

After a few moments I hear a commentary.  “It’s a raccoon all right.  With glowing, devil eyes.  He’s staring at me.”

Then I hear something hit the roof.  My husband had begun pelting the hapless raccoon with rocks, balls, and other debris in hopes of frightening him off of our house. I’m sure if the hula hoop wasn’t still lodged in the maple tree, the raccoon would have also heard the whooosh of that worthy weapon sail by his pointy ears.

The pelting fails.  And as a bonus, our rain gutters are now stopped up with all manner of back yard fare.

Then my husband does what any sane and college educated man would do.  He begins barking at the raccoon.  Not a wimpy dog bark.  But more like what a rottweiler would sound like.  A mad rottweiler.  And not mad as in angry.  But mad as in INSANE.

I threaten to close the back door and call the police.

My husband rationalizes, “oh please, everyone knows raccoons are afraid of dogs.”

I countered, “Well, I’m pretty sure this raccoon is smarter than most, and maybe HE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DOG AND A CRAZY MAN BARKING AT HIM.”

After all the other dogs in the neighborhood start barking back at him, Fiddledaddy finally gives up and comes in.

On the bright side, I didn’t hear any more roof top shenanigans.

But I’m pretty sure that I did hear a snicker.

August 26, 2010

16 Responses to Up on a Roof

  • Oh gracious! That was hilarious. I do enjoy your posts, but I rarely delurk. Just a few weeks ago, I had put my dog outside just a few minutes before six am, and it wasn’t a few minutes before she starts barking at something rather enthusiastically. Since I had a houseguest, and we’d stayed up late catching up, I thought I’d go shush the dog….and then I saw what she was barking at…4 raccoon babies climbing the side of my house…and one fell off and went ‘splat’…but the way they were climbing made my droggy self think they were koala bears at first…it was quite a wake up call. And made for a long day of walking about seven miles around San Francisco!

  • I like the way you managed to get your hubs to go take a look : ) I am not a fan of the raccoon so I think I might have been acting as cheerleader to your hubs. We had a rabid one in our backyard once in Maryland…no idea where he came from as we were total suburbia with not a lot of woods. It was super creepy. When I was a teenager one got up on our roof and had babies…I was standing outside talking to my mom and looked up to see him staring me down. Again, super creepy. My neighbor had some sort of live trap and he climbed up there and ‘rescued’ then released them. Shudder.

  • I can always count on you for a good laugh, first thing in the morning. 😀

  • LOL… I could picture it! We used to have a large tree within feet of the roof over our master bedroom. We had a family of squirrels that used to jump back and forth between the tree and the roof… back and forth… again and again… Who knew squirrels land with such a THUD?!

  • So that’s where Jensen gets his dog tendencies! It all makes sense now! 🙂

  • Love the story! We live out in the country so critters in the back yard or on the roof are just part of living out here so even the dog doesn’t care anymore – unless it’s a skunk! Then she freezes on the back deck and just watches it. She had done this enough times that we know what it is now and just let her back inside. She has learned to “Hold it” for the skunk. Smart dog!

  • Not too feed any paranoid tendencies or anything, but I just read this recently: http://news.health.com/2009/08/17/backyard-raccoon-latrines-harbor-hidden-dangers/

    Hope y’all can get rid of it soon! But it may take more than barking…

  • That’s great. Believe it or not, I have lived in two different houses and managed to have several raccoons INSIDE the house! On the first occasion they managed their way into the basement. Fortunately I was able to close the door and wait to wash laundry until the kind gentlemen with traps came. We had to call them again when the raccoons got into the attic! Then, years later in a different house, we managed to have a momma and her babies in our garage. Apparently there was an old chimeny that wasn’t capped. This time my hubby was the man with the trap. Oh the fun!

  • oh. my. you make me laugh. out loud. with tears. i lost it when i read the post about the hula hoop. 🙂

  • Oh my word! This had me hooting and hollering — as well as your previous post. I could just picture it….too funny! Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  • I can just imagine the neighbors now if they saw Fiddledaddy barking. That image is priceless!
    Seriously tho, be careful he or she doesn’t get into your attic. They can do serious damage up there.
    BTW, that high that is off the east coast is just steering those hurricanes away from us. I sure hope and pray that that continues. I vote for another very quiet year.

  • I don’t know that I’ve ever had a racoon on my roof, but I’ve had turkeys! And a mountain lion. . .but the turkeys were much louder and scared the kids way more.

    Er, but because of the mountain lion. . .I tend not to check those noises anymore.

  • Oh.My.Goodness.Gracious. Me. Too funny!!!

  • Lordy, you had me laughing out loud! Thanks.

    Have a wonderful weekend.
    Hugs,
    Kat

  • From the other comments, it is clear that a mystery in Bloggyville has been cleared up with this post — Jensen comes by his dog barking tendencies quite honestly!

  • You got me with the lead in; “He does what any sane, college educated man would do”. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.