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Calamity Jane

On Monday, I had a much anticipated visit with a general practitioner.  He is Fiddledaddy’s doctor, and because he has a more holistic approach to healing, Fiddledaddy is crazy about him.  I agreed to go because I thought another set of eyes might be needed in looking into my medical maladies.  And frankly, what would I do with my time if I weren’t checking out all the magazines, in all of the waiting rooms, of all the doctor’s offices in the entire city?

And since these new joint issues have cropped up in the last few weeks, I know that my orthopedic doctor is going to automatically jump on the arthritis bandwagon.

I’m not jumping with him.  Not yet.

Basically, I’m having pain in my shoulders, I can’t straighten my left elbow, and my right hand is highly inflamed.  To the point that I can’t close it.  To add insult to injury, I have to use one hand to lift the other arm up so that I can drink my coffee in the morning.


So, the doctor comes into the office.  The first thing that he does is extend his hand to shake mine.  Now, I know it’s my bad hand, but in the span of 2 seconds, this is what goes through my mind:  “I don’t want to hurt his feelings by not shaking his hand, and besides, most everyone has a wimpy handshake, so how bad could it be?”

My new doctor, as luck would have it, has a VERY firm grip for a handshake.  Tears sprang to my eyes as I cried out and jumped 3 feet into the air.

On my good leg.

He immediately withdrew his hand, saying, “Well.  That must be why you’re here!”

I started laughing.  Uncontrollable.  Inappropriately.  

I finally calmed down long enough to explain everything that was going on with me medically.  And then I began crying.  Uncontrollably.  Inappropriately.

Let me just tell you.  I now adore this doctor.  He will be my family physician.  For eternity.  Even though I’m certain he’s going to ban Oreos from my life.

He took a great deal of time to talk TO me, and not AT me.  He is suspicious of the fact that this joint issue began while I was still on my crutches.  And that since I had been on my crutches for months, that was the jumping off point.  It could be nerve damage.  He wants to look at the simple, then move on from there.

He ordered x-rays and blood work and I see him again on Thursday.  Oh.  And he told my husband not to let me do any housework, or lifting.

This doctor is now in my will.

We headed over to another building, where my right elbow, and right hand and wrist were x-rayed.  When finished, I was heading into the crowded waiting room where my family was waiting for me.  I was just wearing my brace on my leg, so I didn’t have my crutches.  My right shoe stuck on the floor and I went careening into an elderly gentlemen in a wheelchair.

In the span of 2 seconds I thought, “I don’t want to end up in this old guys lap, and I don’t want to hit the floor because I can’t use my arms to catch me, so I’ll likely break my face, and then where will I be?”

I caught myself on a chair before impact.  The elderly gentlemen’s eyes were almost as big as Fiddledaddy’s.  Who, by the way, audibly gasped.

When we arrived home, in a fit of overwhelming love, Jensen climbed up on the passenger side of the van to throw his arms around me.  He was holding a large metal souvenir key chain and managed to hit me in the front tooth with it.  I saw stars.  At about the same time, a large gust of wind caught the passenger door.  Fiddledaddy let out a guttural yell, fearing his son be crushed in the door, so I instinctively reached out and caught the door.  With my bad hand.

More stars.  And then laughter.  Uncontrollable.  Inappropriate.  Followed by tears.

I’m a limping bandaged disaster.  But on the bright side, I did manage to get my roots retouched, so if you just look at me from the neck up, I AM DOING FABULOUS!


You’d be hard pressed to tell that I’m actually 104 years old.

25 Responses to Calamity Jane

  • Oh DeeDee, you had me in stitches this morning!! As you know, I’ve been on crutches for the last 2 weeks, so I would put money on your new doctor being right! My arms and hands now hurt worse than my leg does! The good news, however, is that I can now see my bicep muscles which I didn’t know existed!!! I hope he is right and that you can get help for ALL of your issues soon!! It sounds like you are going in the right direction!! And you look gorgeous!!! “It is better to look good than to feel good”, right? LOL!

  • Your hair looks great!! I’m glad you didn’t end up in the elderly man’s lap. That would have been beyond awkward.

  • Hang in there girl…you do look fabulous!

  • LOL! Literally I have tears from laughing so hard! Not at you and your misfortune but the way you wrote it. You really are gifted. I hope you get some answers and pain relief soon, and hopefully without a chipped tooth. 🙂

  • You look maaah-valous dahling!!! And bandages are sooo in this season, not to worry!!! 😉

  • You look fabulous!!!!! 🙂

  • Your hair looks great! If only the rest of our collective medical issues were as simple as a few root touch-ups, right? I hope you get some good news soon!

  • oh, how you spin a yarn, my friend. I love that you are able to find laughter during this journey, but I also know those tears of frustration and despair are well-earned. It’s so hard to battle with pain AND the ‘unknown.’ Don’t give up, friend… will be praying for you for sure.

  • Your hair looks great and that’s what’s important : )
    Hope you get some much needed answers soon.

  • Oh DeeDee. I love the way you find humor in everything, but wish you weren’t in so much pain! It sounds like you are giving your guardian angel a workout too…just be sure to not take him out in the process! And by the way, your hair looks fabulous!

  • Bless. Your. Heart. I know you are making light of all that is going on. It is tough to be in pain and still have the instinct that you should be the care-giver. Hang in there. I hope this new doctor resolves the ongoing issues with your pain. Know you are a light in a lot of people’s lives.

  • You poor dear. You hair does look marvelous, and I’m sure the rest of you does too.

  • My goodness you have been through a trial! I fear knee surgery even more now… I continue to take my Celebrex and put off any kind of suregery for me. Know that I am praying for you…. your hair looks wonderful! Nothing like getting your hair done to help you feel better….

  • Oh my, Dee Dee… what a whirlwind you are going through – you had me laughing so hard I had tears! After my knee surgery I actually fainted in the doctor’s waiting room… on top of an old lady… inappropriately! Here’s to a better day for you, and yes, touched up roots!

  • Dee Dee – you can take anything and make if funny! What a great gift to have. I love the story only wish you made it up instead of lived it. My heart goes out to you and please keep seeing the silver lining. It will keep you smiling and make everyone else wonder whats up with you. 🙂

  • Keep that great smile in spite of everything else!

  • Oh, Dee I’m so happy you have found a good doctor, that can really help everything and you can relax and actually trust for a change – Can you send me his name? My hubby needs a new doctor.

    Oh and I finally tried ChocoVine but it is not really to my liking. It tastes to me like Chocolate Milk with liqueur. And the kids keep eyeing the refrigerator. Just give me a good bit of Drambuie and I’ll be happy….hmm what a good idea, I need to get some of that.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  • You’re beautiful, Dee Dee. And you need a glass of wine.


    What an experience. Praying this doctor figures you out and fixed you!!

  • Hope you start to get better soon, Dee Dee!

    I just had to comment on the fact that your smile in that picture, combined with your crutches in the background made me giggle. It’s like they leaped into your picture just to taunt you with their presence…in your life and in your picture.

  • Your hair looks great and I am glad to see that Jensen didn’t chip your tooth.
    The elderly gentleman part was hilarious and brought back memories of my own embarrassing situation with an elderly gentleman. I was at River Country (this was years ago) and waited for the green light to go down the slide. I tend to lay down for optimum speed and next thing I knew I was about to hit the elderly gentleman who went before me. I couldn’t catch myself in time and ended up straddling him from behind! I thought he was going to have a heart attack. I managed to grab the side of the slide enough to separate us and when I went into the water I disappeared the opposite direction from him. I still love water parks but I doubt he ever went again!
    Hope this doctor can get you some relief. You have been through enough girl!

  • Leave it to you to look fab while rocking out the crutches. 😉

  • Oh Dee Dee, so glad to be in touch again. I’m such a kindred spirit. My heart and prayers go out to you.
    I dislocated my knee last year and never even went to the doctor (have had the same injury in the past) cause we weren’t insured. No fun having pain and disability. Glad the Lord gifted you with the humor and family He did to sustain you through all of this.

  • I hope this doctor has some good answers for you and that you will be on the road to getting better. You have been through enough. those of us who read your blog are the beneficiaries of your writing talents and ability to make a bad situation humorous, but now I really just hope you can heal and be better.

  • I am going to pray for you right now, my friend. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, but I am excited that you found a man who won’t let you do housework! I mean, uh, a Doctor who is interested in your full recovery. That’s what I meant to say.

    Oh, and – your hair looks great AND you look skinny. 🙂

  • Oh, shoot! Dang it anyway, DeeDee. You’re in my prayers and so is that fine doctor. Hoping you get to the bottom of this soon and get WELL again. Thanks for showing us all how to find something to laugh about even when life isn’t going so well. God bless.