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I’m Surrounded by Narcs

This morning I hobbled into the kitchen to punch the coffee pot.  I noticed a paper plate on the counter containing the following message:

Dear Dad,

I just wanted to let you know that last night I spotted mommy walking around in the kitchen.  And guess where her crutches were?  In the bedroom.  SHE WAS LIMPING AROUND WITHOUT HER CRUTCHES.


Yes, it’s true.  Sometimes I take my legs out for a test drive.  In the dead of night when no one is around to tattle on me.  I had no idea that people are laying in wait ready to catch me in the act.  And the experiment didn’t go all that well, anyway.  When I attempt to walk without the aid of crutches, I walk a good deal like Barbie does in Toy Story 3.  But without the groovy leg warmers.

I started dance classes this week.  Dance class is code for Physical Therapy.  Through all of the mind numbing pain, I heard Daryl (my dance instructor) say, “We have a lot of work to do,” rather solemnly.

So, I thought I’d step up my game by going to the gym today.  I figured that the change of scenery would do me good, and the kids would be well taken care of in the Kid Fit area.  When I first walked in, I thought I was having a hot flash.  Turns out the air conditioner was non-functioning.

In Florida.

In July.

The thought of hobbling back out to the car did not appeal to me, so I pressed on and did my P.T. exercises upstairs.  Where it was extra toasty.  My mood must have been affected by all the heat, because the bickering from my 3 spawn in the back of the van on the way home was more than I could take.

So I yelled at them.  Because really good effective parenting always begins with a hormonally charged and overheated mother yelling at her children when they are all trapped in a van.

It worked, because there was peace in my valley for the remainder of the ride home.  And in the spirit of full disclosure, I did ask for forgiveness from my children before we reached our driveway.

After dinner, we were discussing the events of the day, and Jensen told his father that mommy yelled in the van.

Fiddledaddy“Mommy yelled at you?”

Jensen: “Yes.  Really loud.”

Fiddledaddy: “Then what happened?”

Jensen: “Her head exploded.”

Not long after that Fiddledaddy left for Publix to procure another bottle of ChocoVine for the bedraggled mommy.

Come to mama.

Have a wonderfully peaceful and air conditioned 4th of July weekend everyone!

14 Responses to I’m Surrounded by Narcs

  • This made me laugh right out loud. Thanks for the giggle. Hope dance class gets better. Maybe if you share the ChocoVine with the instructor . . .

  • Bahahhahahaha! Too funny!
    Especially the “Because really good effective parenting always begins with a hormonally charged and overheated mother yelling at her children when they are all trapped in a van.”
    I can so relate!
    And the head exploding comment… funny boy!

  • you lead with :
    Because really good effective parenting always begins with a hormonally charged and overheated mother yelling at her children when they are all trapped in a van.
    then close with:

    Jensen: “Her head exploded.”
    I really laughed hard on that one…


    thank you.

  • It is a sad thing that the “Mean Mommy Voice” (as my kids called it when they were little) gets immediate results. If their frontal lobes would just hurry up and develop and they could listen to reasoning, things would go better. To bad that doesn’t happen until they are about 23. (PS: At first I thought that the note would say the critter you fear the most had been spotted in the home. And I was wondering how you would out-hobble it.)

  • “Her head exploded” gave me a good laugh out loud! Sounds exactly how I feel in those moments 🙂

  • Nothing like an enclosed space to really let the echo take full affect. I’m sending this link to my friend who just had a total knee replacement…I hope it makes her day!

  • I yelled at my kids this week, too. Bad, bad mommy, I know. And I didn’t even have knee surgery! Just PMS.

  • 1. You go girl.
    2. You should get yourself some of those groovy leg warmers. You’re bound to have some in a drawer somewhere.
    3. I actually looked for that damned ChocoVine today at the Ralphs. See what you’ve done!

  • Oh nothing like yelling at the kids in the van. Somehow you just can’t enjoy the silence because you know you have to apologize…

    I still think that minivan manufacturers should put up privacy sound-proof glass behind the driver’s seat!!

  • I’m on board for the sound proof glass behind the driver’s seat!!! Where can I sign up for the first one off the assembly line???

    Obviously, you need to work on your stealth skills! 😉 Come on, you’re smarter than a 5th grader!

  • Ok first off where do you have the #&#%^ camera hidden inside my van?
    I had a meltdown @ my “spawn” week before last in a fast food joint because the older two and my neice who is of the same age group(6 y.o’s) got into a knock down drag out fight over who got to love Nana and the baby(who is by my count now 18 months old) and who got to sit by them, and who was loved etc, complete with hair pulling and at least one punch thrown….I grabbed two of them(mine) by the arms and got down in Lucy’s face and told all three of them that as far as I was concerned, Nana was all of their nana and that we are keeping “THE BABY” he is ours. He will be here permanently and that Nana and The Baby all love all three of them equally.

    My mom was shocked, the kids were shocked and I don’t think anyone uttered a WORD for the rest of the time we were there.

    I swear they still fight over Sawyer like they think I am going to give him back or something equally crazy.
    BTW Sandra, I would pay big $$ to have said plexiglass in my minivan, but I want also mini sliding plexiglasses that can pop up between each of the kid spaces with my push of a button as well.

  • Thanks a LOT, Dee! The only distributors of Chocovine are in Alabama and Arkansas. Now that my mouth is watering way out here in Idaho… what do I do?!!!
    Thanks for making me laugh. God bless.

  • Your post was so funny! My daughter is always “telling” on me too!

  • Thanks for the laugh!! I remember those days!!