Lest you think I’m a lush

I’m not a big drinker.  I joke about needing a drink, I think about needing a drink, I even drink apple juice in a wine goblet just to trick myself.  Truth be told, the smell of beer makes me sick, and the only wine I can handle is that of a Cooler variety or a nice cheap Port.

The kind with a lid that you unscrew.

Because I’m just klassy like that.

I love to eye cocktails that come with tiny umbrellas on a menu, but rarely ever get one because, well, I need to be conscious at least until my children are blissfully asleep.  And I have little to no tolerance for alcohol.

At a homeschool park day not long ago, I was sitting with my beloved group of other harried homeschool moms, and we started giggling about our dream cocktails.

While keeping at least one laser eye firmly planted on our children.

Since a few of the moms are in a family way, they delighted in describing the perfect adult beverage, since between pregnancy and breast feeding, they are a good year or more away from imbibing.

My friend Michelle told us about a product called ChocoVine, which is a dutch chocolate/fine red wine combo.  At first I was repelled by such a mating, but knowing that I have a weakness for cheap Port, she strongly suggested that I give it a try.

Well.  It’s been in the back of my mind ever since, and I have asked Fiddledaddy to look for it when he is doing the grocery shopping.  Since I have been unable to fulfill my wifely shopping duties courtesy of an extended knee injury.  And I’ll tell you what, Fiddledaddy is doing a fabulous job, but I do miss the grocery shopping.  I never thought I’d say that.

I miss it so much that I talked my family into taking me to Publix on Sunday.  Promising I would ride in the complimentary putt-putt electrical scooter.  The one that goes from 0 to 1/4 mph.  Which is roughly the speed of smell.

I went up and down each aisle, rejoicing in the fact that I was really doing the grocery shopping.  When we arrived at the wine aisle, I began scanning the shelves, hoping above all hope.

EUREKA! Fiddledaddy spotted it next to the dessert wines.  The ones with the caps that unscrew.  PUT IT IN THE BASKET AND BE CAREFUL!  Fiddledaddy made wretching sounds as he loaded it into my cart, vocalizing his opinion of the dirty brown appearance of the contents.  Looks like mud, he offered.  Ignoring him, I drove to the nearest check-out, putting the pedal to the metal.  Which really made no difference at all.  In fact, I think the thing goes faster traveling in reverse, which is what I may try next time.

Anyhoo.

After dinner, I eagerly looked forward to giving this Choco-Vine a whirl in my wine glass.  Making a mental note to avoid my nightly Tylenol PM.  You know, for safety sake.  I would hate to end up on the news:

“Middle aged housewife mixes lethal combination of cheap dessert wine and pain medication, and lay drooling on the linoleum until help could arrive.”

Who needs that kind of publicity?

Fiddledaddy handed me a glass, reminding me that I might be disappointed.  All the build-up and all.  Ignoring him, I took a sip.

Sing with me off-key, “Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you…”

Absolutely everything I dreamed it would be.  And happily, they do not list the sugar content.  Ignorance is bliss, I always say.

Cheap Port Wine, you are dead to me.  I know that I need to pace myself.  Given my affinity to jump off the deep end when I discover something to my liking.  For example, think an entire column of Girl Scouts Thin Mints.

Which come to think of it, would be delightful with a wine glass of Choco-Vine.

11 Responses to Lest you think I’m a lush

  • I’m such a light weight when it comes to alcohol. A pina colada pretty much does me in. I do enjoy Chambord with gingerale though. I might just have to try this Choco-wine out though. mmmm……GS Thin Mints….I still have some in the freezer.

  • You know how most of the time when someone types LOL, really they just maybe smiled a little or chuckled quietly? I actually LOL’d to this post. My #3 and I were grocery shopping a few days ago and saw this at our Publix. I don’t drink, at all. I have no tolerance for alcohol, discovered when I passed out after 1/2 a wine cooler at, shhh, 18 yrs old. My husband likes to have a simple mixed drink most days after work and does enjoy a beer or two every once in awhile, and occasionally drinks some wine. I make him brush his teeth before he comes anywhere near me. The worst is the smell of beer, it smells like he was eating paste. The wine smells like I forgot I had a bag of apples and grapes in the drawer of the fridge for a couple months. Blech! Anyway, when we saw that wine, it not only looked to me like mud (or worse), but the idea of mixing the awesomeness that is chocolate with the ickiness of wine, just blech! I seriously had the thought, shared with #3 daughter, that the company was surely going to lose money on that product! I’m happy for them that it does have a market, and happy you found something that it seems will give you much joy.

  • Hilarious post. I have the complete visual of you in the cart. Speed of smell is brilliant–you should copywrite that.

  • Ooohhh… that does sound a bit repellent. But if it’s cheap, I may have to try it to be sure.

    And what a picture you must have made on your scooter with your chocolate wine!

  • I’ve been enjoying your blog for quite awhile but this is my first comment. I have my 2nd bottle of ChocoVine in my refrigerator right now. When my friend told me about it, I thought it sounded like the grossest thing ever. She insisted I try it. I really enjoy it but only like a small glass. Right now I’m enjoying a glass of cheap Sangria (in a screw top bottle).

  • I am now on a mission to locate said Choco-vine! Chocolate and wine are my two most favorite food groups!

  • . . . putting the screw top back on the bottle of my port wine right now and waiting for hubby to come home tonight after being gone for a week . . . is it wrong to leave skidmarks in the driveway on the way to the liquor store?

    I saw a bottle of that stuff at the liquor store last week (no liquor/beer/wine sales at grocery stores in MN). I chickened out. Thanks for being braver than me!

  • I thought it sounded odd at first, too, and would never have purchased it had I not first tried it at a friend’s dinner party. Delicious! I bought a bottle and because I, too, am a huge lightweight when it comes to alcohol, the bottle has lasted quite a while. If you like red wine and chocolate, give it a try!

  • OMG. I am vacillating between complete repulsion and intense intrigue. On one hand, it sounds horrifying. On the other…it’s chocolate…it’s wine…how bad could it be? Last Christmas I became slightly obsessed with this cheap Eggnog in a screwtop bottle from Costco, so who am I to talk!

  • I have to find Choco-vine! It sounds disgusting and wonderful at the same time!
    Thanks for the laugh!

  • For a while, at least, the ChocoVine people (they’re Dutch, by the way,) insisted in selling it only through dining establishments. The sort of place that would *not* turn up its nose at the thought of serving a drink made of chocolate and wine is not the sort of place at which you are likely to find yourself dining, unless you are the sort who prefers Wild Irish Rose with your chicken-fried steak. So, it was not until a friend brought me a bottle from a place on North Carolina’s Eastern Shore that I had a chance to try it. If you like Bailey’s, if you like chocolate, if you like to sip rather than swig, you will almost certainly have a Harry-Met-Sally moment over ChocoVine*. I did. I do. And I have just learned that the Costco in North Durham, NC, carries it for the lowest price per bottle ever recorded since the dawn of time. Nine bucks and change.

    *http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-bsf2x-aeE