A while back, I announced that a largish black salamander had taken residence in our garage. And made mention that the garage was now dead to me. No mans land. A place I no longer graced.
Well. I admit to a few trips out there, while wearing closed toed shoes and with the lights on full blast, because that is where my beloved upright freezer is housed.
But other than that, I just open the garage door, and toss stuff that needs to go out there, well, out there.
Fast forward to Saturday, when I was ordered to bed rest by Fiddledaddy. My knee is inflamed again, which I can barely speak of without breaking down into heaving sobs, and I’ve had all sorts of tests done, but am now awaiting results.
I’m not very good at that waiting business, by the way.
Fiddledaddy left to do some emergency grocery shopping (read: we were out of ice cream sandwiches) and took most of the offspring with him, leaving Emme home to keep an eye on me.
Because when ordered to bed rest, that’s usually the last place you’ll find me. But I was dutifully complying because WHAT HO, my iPhone morphs into an iPod. MUSIC, SWEET LIGHT 70’S ROCK MUSIC! Emme was laying beside me playing a game on the laptop.
Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something sporting a long black tail making its way under my bed. After I untangled myself from my earphones, I leaped up to standing position in the middle of the bed. Not an easy feat with a bum knee. Nonplussed, Emme looked up at me, “Mom, what are you doing, you’re suppose to be staying off your feet.”
I stuttered and stammered until I finally relayed that I thought a large black Salamander had just moved in under the bed. AND IT WAS HUGE! Emme stood on the bed with me, not that she was frightened, but because she’s generally not allowed to stand up on the bed.
Eventually she got down and because she is my daughter, she went for the camera.
This image was captured while I was phoning Fiddledaddy alerting him to the event.
GET. HOME. NOW.
He asked me if I planned on standing there until he got back, and I said yes, that was the plan.
In the meantime, Emme, the Lizard Whisperer, disappeared into her room, and reappeared dressed head to toe in black, wearing vinyl glovewear. “Mom, this is just like on ‘Bindi the Jungle Girl’.”
Yes, except on ‘Bindi the Jungle Girl’ it’s rare that the adults ever wet the bed.
She crept around on the floor, peering under the bed with the industrial flashlight. Meanwhile, my bladder got the best of me and I lightning fast hobbled off the bed and made haste to the sanctity of the kitchen. Where eventually I sat up camp watching from the doorway into my bedroom, seated on my comfy office chair, eating Pop-Tarts.
Because that’s what I do in times of extreme stress.
Eventually Emme flushed the offending Lizard/Salamander/Monster out into the sort of open and I was able to take a picture, using my handy zoom feature. So as to remain 1/2 mile away.
Notice the beady eyes, as he craftily tries to blend in with the electrical ware.
I will admit that the creature was not nearly as large as I had first envisioned. But still. IT WAS UNDER MY BED.
Eventually, Fiddledaddy and entourage arrived back home, and all the family ascended on the bedroom. Sans me, who remained stationed in the kitchen.
I heard a good deal of furniture being overturned, squeals of both fear and glee, and crashing precious family heirlooms. Eventually Fiddledaddy came rushing out of the bedroom, with something wrapped up in plastic, heading to the nearest exit.
I breathed a sigh of relief, until I turned around and Emme stood directly behind me holding an amputated Salamander tail. Which was still wriggling.
Then the room went dark and my eyeballs rolled to the back of my head.
It’s a good thing that the Salamander and all his body parts were successfully evicted, because I am in no mood to move to a different house during the heat of the Summer.