Death by Wheelchair

Fiddledaddy informed me over the weekend that a rather large fat black salamander moved into our garage.  Who would blame him.  The garage is carpeted, air conditioned, and the freezer is well stocked.

Fiddledaddy went on to assure me that salamanders are relatively harmless.  Unless of course your wife should happen upon shim late at night while foraging through the garage freezer while considering her snack options.

And since as far as I’m concerned, a salamander is what happens when a frog mates with a lizard and then TAKES A LOT OF STEROIDS, I’ve informed Fiddledaddy that the garage is now dead to me.  I know longer consider it a part of our home, and will not ever step through the garage door again.  Until the salamander has either moved out, or someone shows me his decomposing corpse.

From afar.

The end.

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In other news.  We are Florida resident seasonal Disney World passholders.  The spring break black out dates have just ended, so we celebrated with a trip to Epcot on Saturday.  When I told my Physical Therapist that I planned on going, he made me pinky swear to get a wheel chair.

Because seriously, who wants to see me write about another knee draining experience?

Not me.

We considered our options, and decided to go with a standard wheel chair, instead of parting with $50 for the zippy motorized version.  We figured that it would be a good upper body workout for me, since I am fairly adept at maneuvering a wheelchair on my own.

That lasted about 20 feet, wherein I designated my daughters as official pushers of the wheelchair.

Cailey ran me into 2 tourists, a flower planter, and one trash receptacle.  That’s when I declared Emme to be my designated driver.

All was going smoothly until we entered that store where you can sample different types of carbonated beverages from around the world for free.  Upon entering the store, you have the choice to take the stairs, or a ramp which leads you down to the main floor of the store.

Since I was in the wheelchair, I selected the ramp.  Emme, however, chose the stairs.  I noticed this as I was hurtling toward a large gaggle of foreign visitors clustered at the base of the ramp.  I turned to tell Emme to slow me down, and she was not there.

But rather was already sipping the carbonated beverage of her choice.

I reached down to grab the wheels to stop myself, coming within inches of an international incident.

I’ve determined that Fiddledaddy will be handling the Drivers Ed portion of their education.

Other than the skid marks on my hands, and bruising on my legs and feet, a good time was had at Epcot.  We’re planning on attending the Flower and Garden festivities next weekend.  I’ll be the one wearing a crash helmet and full contact body protection.

How was your weekend?


13 Responses to Death by Wheelchair

  • I’m a lurker that just had to de-lurk! The “a salamander is what happens when a frog mates with a lizard and then TAKES A LOT OF STEROIDS” comment went way past giggle territory for me and right into a hearty, if not surprising, SNORT!! I wasn’t expecting to be blindsided by that amount of humor/imagery/silliness on my first cup of coffee!! Thanks for all the laughs you have given me over the years!

  • You kill me! Can you take a picture of the crash helmet? Please??

  • [smile] I love your portrayals of life. Case in point: “…coming within inches of an international incident.” Priceless.

    ~Luke

  • Ugh! I’m not really a big fan of the lizards that live all around my house, but for some reason, God saw fit to “bless” me with a son who feels the need to capture any and all creeping things he finds, and bring them in to show me.
    In. My. House.
    Where I am supposed to be safe.
    Last year he brought one inside, and it leapt from his grasping fingers, in slow-mo, of course, while I was saying, “NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” in some deep, drawn out slow-mo voice. He never found it.
    I hope one of my Yorkies did…

  • Who knew having a bum knee could lead to so much fun….. I mean for us, your readers. Seriously, I’m sad about your knee issues, but it does make for some good stories. What are the “rules of the road” for a runaway wheelchair anyway? Close your eyes and hang on? Pray if you mow anyone down that you aren’t caught on the security camera? 🙂

  • Oh, I forgot to mention that I just saw on the National Geographic Channel that BIG, HUGE, BLOOD SUCKING salamanders like to hide in garage freezers to stalk their prey. Especially, unsuspecting mothers of young children that are hungry for a snack and that happen to have bad knees, ….they are easier to get because they can’t move as fast. I just thought I’d give you a heads up……if I were you I would NOT go into the garage.

  • No kidding? Your garage has carpet? And air conditioning? No kidding? For real? My garage might be carpeted if you count the leaves that blow under the door, and the mud that falls off the van. It is of course nicely air conditioned in the winter and heated in the summer. 🙂

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Virginia,

    I have to totally explain why my garage should have A.C. And carpeting. We began building this house b/4 children. My husband promised me a studio where I could paint. After I became so GREAT WITH CHILD, I could no longer reach the furniture to paint it. Much less move it around. I abandoned my paint brushes, became a mother, and now my garage is just a fancy crap depot. With ugly blue carpeting.

    Some day I’ll paint again. Probably the exterior of the house. Because YELLOW? I must have been hormonal. 🙂

    DeeDee

  • I took my mom to Sea World a few years back and pushed her around in a wheel chair. I SWEAR that entire park is UP HILL. I don’t know how they did it, but it is!

    Sounds like a good call on the drivers ed! I would think the view from a wheel chair would inspire you to faithfully do your PT so you can get out of the wheel chair! 😀

    I want to know what is up with the lizards this year! All the ones hanging around my house (Central Florida) are HUGE, dark brown and look like dinosaurs! What happened to the cute little Geico looking ones?????

  • Oh my gosh, I hate to say it but that was funny! I used to push my grand mother around in her wheel chair after she broke her hip and I would try to be careful and not run her into something but it never failed. One time I tried to get her into a store and almost flipped her out!

  • Glad you didn’t topple down the stairs! I might move to Florida just to get a season pass!

  • Hahaha! I totally relate to this. I was wheelchair bound for several months while I was in high school, and during our summer vacation, my family toured an old village where Abraham Lincoln grew up. My brother Nate was my designated pusher. He pushed me into the middle of the road and left me while he explored the inside of the old buildings with the entire rest of my family. He also somehow put the brakes on so that I would be safe while he was away.

    How considerate.

    Unfortunately, a huge garbage truck came barreling down the road. I screamed for help and couldn’t figure out how to un-brake the thing. My dad came running and saved me just in the nick of time.

    Poor Nate, his plan was foiled.

  • I’m thinking you should make some sort of frog head and have it stuck on a stick as a warning to all things frog like. Have your kids make it and it counts as art. 😉
    I’m surprised Jensen didn’t ask to drive you. Or at least ride with you.

  • Ah yes, Epcot and wheelchairs. My husband sprained his ankle two months ago and we had a planned trip to Epcot coming up during Spring Break. After reading about your motorized wheelchair at Disney I suggested we get one. He decided on the regular wheelchair when we discovered how expensive the motoroized ones were. After our children almost ran him into people and he couldn’t get comfortable he actually took it back, and get this, WENT HOME. He came back at closing to pick us up. He has decided to stay home when we use the last day of our 3 day passes since his ankle isn’t healing right. I have decided not to fight him on this 🙂