Do not fear, no need to turn away. I did not, repeat, I did not take any pictures or video of the dreaded Draining of the Knee.
Fiddledaddy, who is a curious sort, investigated exactly what would be involved in an actual knee fluid drain. And WHAT LUCK, he found something on YouTube. I, who prefers avoidance as a favored coping skill, wisely chose not to look. The only advice he would offer was JUST DON’T LOOK. BUT IF YOU CAN TAKE ANY PICTURES, THAT WOULD BE COOL. JUST POINT, CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND SHOOT.
I just hoped that the doctor wouldn’t use that technique.
Fear and trepidation settled in as we all piled into the van this morning. The only thing Cailey could offer was a tearful, “Mommy, I don’t want to hear you scream.”
Well, then, you might want to leave the building, little missy.
When they called my name from the waiting room, all too quickly, I turned to face my little family, perhaps for the last time. Emme called out a cheerful, “DON’T CRY, MOM, BUT IT’S GONNA HURT.”
Just wait until she sees what falls into her dinner tonight.
I took stock of all the exits before I was ushered into the examining room. A kindly nurse then entered. Thankfully one who understood my humor and how I tend to gravitate to the inappropriate when nervous. All the cursory questions were asked. Except the one about if I had a living will. I don’t know why they left that one out. It was asked at during every one of my labors. But, whatever.
Then I was left alone. And the room started to spin. I’m not even exaggerating this time. I thought I was going to just pass out on the examining table. And the instruments of torture hadn’t even been presented yet.
And just as I considered making a run (or limp, as it were) for it, the doctor came in. He looked at my knee and said that it indeed needed to drained. I asked him for other options. (And no, amputation wasn’t among them.) He said that I could go home, pack it on ice, up my anti-inflammatory drugs, and hope it resolves in about a week. Or so.
I could have the fluid drained off, which would take about 5 minutes.
Sigh. I thought for all of about 3 seconds and went with what was behind door #2.
I lay on the table as the assistant entered with the tray of torture. I did not look. Instead I became engrossed in counting the number of ceiling tiles, and wondering if I could set off the ceiling sprinkler system using mind control.
The first thing they did was spray some stuff on my knee. Then PAIN, SHOOTING PAIN. I said “OW, THAT HURTS.” And my doctor, who has his own brand of personal humor said, “That was just the small needle.”
That was indeed the needle used to deaden the knee. And then, blissfully, when the elephant needle was applied, I did not feel a thing.
I DID NOT FEEL A THING.
He finished, bandaged me up, and I had the nerve to say, “That’s it?” He asked me to stand and asked how my knee felt.
OH SWEET MARY, MY KNEE IS HEALED! IT’S A MIRACLE. I FEEL GREAT!
He told me to stay off of it for the day and pack it in ice. And by Wednesday, I’ll be able to resume Physical Therapy. Or dance class, as I prefer to think of it.
If I could have skipped out, I would have. However, some hours later as the novocain wore off, it occurred to me that I my knee felt so much better BECAUSE IT HAD BEEN DEADENED WITH WONDERFUL DEADENING DRUGS. DRUGS THAT ARE SADLY NOT AVAILABLE OVER THE COUNTER.
The doctor assured me that he really believed all of my pain and suffering was due to the fluid, and not the defect on my bone. My recovery should proceed at a faster pace. Provided I don’t overdo it. I’VE LEARNED MY LESSON.
All in all, I’m awfully proud of myself for not chickening out. And for not uttering audible curse words at the doctor, or kicking him with my good leg, or anything like that. I was relatively brave. For me. And just so you know, I did go to You Tube to view the Knee Draining. That almost did me in. I won’t leave a link, because it’s too horrifying to watch. If you have to ever have it done, JUST COUNT THE CEILING TILES.
Thank you all for your prayers, your wishes for Oreos (which I still have yet to purchase even though I totally deserve a column..or two), and especially your heartfelt encouragement.
Now, I look forward to an unopened bottle of Darvocet, and Dancing with the Stars on TiVo tonight. It’s the little things that bring me joy.