I am going under the arthroscope on Tuesday. Which isn’t nearly as exciting as saying that I’m going under the knife. But I’m every bit as nervous.
For the last 3 weeks I’ve been thinking of the pending date as simply a spa day, in which I will receive a much deserved nap. Because avoidance is my best coping skill. I was deluding myself because over the weekend I actually got out the pre and post surgical rules and regulations that my orthopedic surgeon generously supplied to me.
Y’all know how much I enjoy reading directions.
The list includes mostly a list of DON’TS, all in bold. I really don’t care for people telling me what to do. And especially what NOT to do. It’s a basic rebellion issue.
But I prefer to think of myself as SASSY.
Anyhoo. I have a few questions that I will need to pose in order to clarify the rules given me.
1. Do NOT eat or drink ANYTHING after midnight the night before surgery.
Q: Does this include coffee? Because if it does, y’all had better schedule my surgery for 6 am. Because the not eating anything is bad enough, but you take away my morning caffeine, and someone may get hurt should surgery not occur IMMEDIATELY.
2. Please leave all valuables and jewelry at home.
Q: Does this include my iPhone? Because playing a round or 17 of iPhone Scrabble will take my mind off of my woes. And the fact that you people will be CUTTING me with SHARP things and then there’s that NEEDLE issue for the I.V. and…I just made myself throw up a little.
3. (This is my personal favorite) Patients are responsible for removing all their body piercings before the date of surgery.
No Q: This law does not apply to me. Since I’ve only endured one piercing in my life. And that was in my earlobes. One hole per lobe, thankyouverymuch. I cannot fathom how anyone can willingly have a hole punched into, say, a tongue, nose, belly button, or wherever the heck else people get piercings.
This would be where I launch into, “Back when I was a girl…” Thusly firmly establishing that I am really 90.
4. Do NOT wear any makeup.
Q: Why? It’s not that I’m vain. Really. It’s just that makeup makes me feel a little better. And if you’re going to take away my breakfast and coffee, at least I can look good. For the mug shot. Just in case I accidentally become violent.
5. Wear loose, comfortable clothing (including underwear) that will fit over whatever type of dressing you will have. This is especially important if having “knee surgery”.
Q: Why do I need to remove my underwear AT ALL? It’s not like you’re operating on my hoohoo, and frankly, I think the drafty hospital gown will be humiliating enough. What happens when I need to get up and go to the bathroom. AND YOU KNOW I WILL. Have you seen me try to walk? I cannot hold the drafty hospital gown closed AND walk on my crutches. This is really for the sake of anyone near me WITH EYESIGHT. I don’t want to hear a fellow patient scream out in pain, MY EYES, MY EYES.
And by “loose and comfortable”, you might as well say it. Granny Panties.
Since I have underwear dating back to the Carter administration, and void of elastic, I might be all set for Rule #5. But I’m not happy about it.
Post Surgery Instructions:
1. You should plan to go home and rest for the remainder of the day. You will be given medications that will temporarily impair your judgment and reflexes.
No Q: This is not unlike when I am celebrating my menses!
Therefore, for the next 24 hours:
• Do NOT drive a car, operate heavy machinery or operate power tools.
Q: Does heavy machinery include MY BLENDER? BECAUSE I WILL BE NEEDING MY BLENDER. And by power tools, will my electric toothbrush be contraband?
• Do NOT drink any alcoholic beverages, take tranquilizers, or sleeping pills.
No Q: Crappity crap crap. I rescind the blender question.
• Do NOT make critical decisions such as signing legal documents.
No Q: Yer preaching’ to the choir on this one. Tell it to the children, as they may attempt to have the “no pet clause” revoked.
2. You may resume your diet as tolerated.
Q: Is there a Starbucks with a drive-thru close to the surgical office?
3. For your safety and protection, it is required that you have a responsible caregiver with you for 24 hours after your procedure.
Q: I am so screwed. Seriously. My family has had to put up with me whining, complaining, and generally making everyone miserable for the last 2 months or so. I fear they will use this opportunity to mess with me. Because that’s how we roll around here.
Can’t I just stay there? Close to the anesthesia?
And by the way, is it really necessary that I begin torture physical therapy THE DAY AFTER SURGERY? Seriously. What kind of day spa is this?
Who does not make for a very pleasant patient.