The Knee Bone is Connected to the Hambone

It would seem that I’ve crippled myself.  For awhile I’ve complained of a trick knee that is aggravated at the onset of a rain shower.  Or excessive humidity. (Like my hair issues weren’t painful enough.)  Now the knee is just angry all the time.  I’m pretty sure the injury (and I’m using air quotes even though you can’t see me) occurred a couple of years or so ago when I fell over the open dishwasher.

A spectacular sight.

Thankfully, I’m the sort of anal retentive person that makes certain the knives ARE POINTING DOWN.  Otherwise, I’d have a good deal more to complain about.

The only other plausible explanation is simply OLD AGE, or that I’ve inherited my mother and her mother’s rheumatoid arthritis.  I refuse to accept either of those diagnosis, as that just puts me one painful step closer to membership to the AARP.

I’ll go with the dishwasher catastrophe. It is slightly easier on my ego.   What little research I’ve done has led me to believe that placing an ice compress for 10 minutes, three times a day is better than heat. But really, if I had 30 minutes to just sit around, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess in the first place.

I’m also wearing an attractive neon blue knee brace, which just serves to remind me not to attempt a spontaneous cartwheel for the sake of my children.  And not to try to sit on my foot on those rare instances when I actually get to, you know, sit down.

Last week I decided that I just needed to suck it up and hit the gym.  I did 45 minutes of cardio, between the elliptical, bike, and treadmill.  I cried the entire next day.  And may or may not have taken more than the recommended daily allowance of Extra Strength Tylenol.

Determined, I went to the gym again on Monday.  Meeting up with my SIL.  Who made the mistake of directing me to the bicycle thingy that you pedal with your hands.  “That’s the one that the old people do,” she whispered.  And sure enough, there seated on the bikes were gym patrons none of whom were younger than 90.  With their walkers blocking the aisle.

I kicked her with my good leg, muttered “over my cold dead body,” and limped away.

Wherein I made peace with the treadmill, and we spent the next 30 minutes getting re-acquainted.  At a slow and steady pace.  And one benefit to my predicament?  When you reek of Ben-Gay, you have the machines on either side of you pretty to yourself.

I then ventured over to the arm weight machines, but was quickly reminded that I had just the day before taken up stationary badminton with the family.  And I could not raise my left arm over my head.

Caution: My stray body parts are going to begin falling off and littering the floor. Just step over me.

I know what you’re thinking.  Go to the doctor and get it over with.  But I’m not falling for that one.  More than one person has already warned me that a pimply medical practitioner will come at my knee with a 17 inch long needle to perform a little procedure known as “just draining off a little fluid.”

{Faints.}

No thank you.  I’ll continue to suffer in semi-silence.

And while I’m all worked up, DEAR GOVERNMENT, WHILE YOU’RE YET AGAIN REVAMPING THE HEALTH BILL, GO AHEAD AND INCLUDE WORKERS COMP FOR MIDDLE AGED HOUSEWIVES.  Sincerely, Meemaw.

I mean really, how many times have you sliced open your finger all in the name of a recipe?  Or slipped on a Polly Pocket accessory and lay sprawled out on the bathroom floor for what seems like an eternity?  Or suffered the humiliation of getting a parcheesi dice stuck up your nose while demonstrating for the sake of your toddler, the dangers of placing objects into an orifice?  Just sayin’.

Before I got married and had children, I thought that I would be wiling away my hours watching my stories on TV while popping bonbons.  I had no idea this job was fraught with so much danger.  The brochures were indeed misleading.

And to think, my mother wanted me to be an attorney.

February 23, 2010

15 Responses to The Knee Bone is Connected to the Hambone

  • Ice will reduce the swelling by constricting the blood vessels (IIRC). Heat expands them and while that may feel good as it warms up, it doesn’t always feel so good later. They make thin gel packs that you could use with an ace bandage to wrap around your knee (the bandage would hold it in place) but sitting while icing is part of the benefit package.

    Motrin is much better for swelling as it’s an anti-inflammatory. I agree with your friends about going to the doctor. If they want to drain fluid and you’re really not wanting them to, tell them no. They can’t force a procedure on you.

    I have a bad knee and it’s normally swollen, sometimes so fat and rounded it’s hard to tell it’s a knee. They’ve never offered to drain it, however, because it’s not that kind of fluid build up. Mine is inflammation or something like that. I’ve learned to never take for granted the ability to walk. Go see a doctor. (please) Different injuries require different kinds of ‘fixin’ and you don’t want to worsen the injury by doing the wrong things. 🙂

  • My dear friend was discussing some aches and pains with me.

    She said the one thing she liked about talking to me is that I never said, “Why don’t you call a doctor?”

    Because, as we all know, they may something like, “Well, come on in, and we’ll try to squeeze you in somewhere.”

    Yet, you could see it as a day of relaxation. . .you could bring a book (not of the childish variety) and sit down to relax the hours away until they do “fit you in”.

  • In case this helps you feel better- I think I did some damage to my right knee going up stairs…..I turned the corner and loaded the leg with my weight to step up and felt a rather sharp twang…no-one warned me that it was this easy to self-destruct!!! Ah, the fallen world we live in!

  • Ok. So you know the dr is an option, should you choose to go down that road. However, if you decide to suffer through, you may try glucosamine-condr, glucosamine-chondroi, darn it, now I have to go find the bottle and try to read it. Glucosamine chondroitin. ha! It won’t help your eyes or your memory, but it may help your joints. Also, as strange as it sounds, you may also try a pinch or two of cayenne powder in a glass of water. It helps with the pain, but won’t do much for swelling, water retention, torn ligaments and what not. DH has been using both of these “cures” to stay away from the dr as long as possible.

  • I put my back out taking a fork out of the dishwasher. Seriously. This motherhood business is dangerous.

    Can ya stand blood work? They can test for different types of arthritis that way (at least the dr did for me and my joint issues).

    Get thee to a dr.

  • If it’s only in one knee, then it’s probably not RA. RA is usually symmetrical, e.g. in both knees or both wrists, or both whatevers, and usually starts in the smaller joints. Be of good cheer!

  • Oh my! You have me rolling! ROLLING! All this laughing has started up a coughing fit, and my three year old keeps yelling at me, “Cusser you mowf, Mommy! Cusser you mowf!” (Cover your mouth.)

  • We must have gotten the same manual. Mine never said anything about being able to clean up vomit with out doing so myself. Or completing a class project. Nor did it say anything about multi-tasking! I want a refund!!! On the manual that is.

  • “watching my stories while popping bonbons”…..

    wouldn’t that be the life? Or not? I totally love the chaos of motherhood far better! 🙂

    But isn’t it crazy that there are those people who actually believe we have time for such nonsense?

    Sorry for your knee troubles. Keep that dishwasher at bay if at all possible. 🙂

  • It IS “fraught with danger”, I tell you. Those legos are KILLER when you step on them.

  • Oh superpaige… truer words were never spoken! And DeeDee, I hope your knee feels better soon. Can you sign me up for the bon bon thing?

  • I second glucosamine. I think you’re close to my age (I’m 48). Last fall my knees started hurting for no apparent reason. Apparently, the estrogen we lose as we age is a lubricant and it can actually affect our knees and other joints. The glusocamine took a while to work, but has definitely helped. Hope you feel better.

  • I finally sucked it up and went to the doctor for my hip. I was afraid I’d end up needing a hip replacement at 36, which my husband was quick to point out I would need replaced again in 20 years (since he’s nice like that.) Turns out it’s a “sprained rotator muscle”. So, the treadmill and I have had to part ways for awhile. It’s the bike or nothing for me. I hate the bike.

  • I am 44 years old and stay home with my 4.5 year old son and 16 month-old twins. My husband travels 5 days a week. Thanks for a great laugh after a totally exhausting day!

  • I read your blog often and love your sense of humor. I think this is the first time I’ve commented. I can’t remember though because motherhood has made me senile.
    I have been to the doctor about forty times in the past two weeks trying to find the source of chronic pain. Thanks for letting me laugh with you!
    Thanks to your other post on Lost, I am now desperately seeking a recording of the episode so I can see Jin’s drawers. 🙂