One of my goals was to run an innocuous errand to the bank today. I didn’t even have to get out of the car. Simply feed a check into The Machine for my husband’s business account, collect a receipt, and drive on my merry way.
I usually don’t chose to do business with The Machine. Because A) I fear it, B) I’m fairly sure it’s smarter than I am, and C) It hates me.
But I was forced to use it because I didn’t have any preprinted deposit slips. I pulled up to The Machine and carefully fed the lone check into the slot, making certain that there were no bent corners. While I spoke nicely to The Machine, making polite small talk.
The Machine spit the check back out at me with disgust. ERROR ERROR! Wrong ink on the check. The ink must be either dark blue or black. And with that, the window went blank. Like TALK TO THE HAND. But there was no hand.
WHO WRITES A CHECK WITH TURQUOISE COLORED INK? BARBIE?
I make a mental note to tell Fiddledaddy to ask his clients to use a REAL pen.
Thusly I was forced to drive all the way around the bank and get into the drive-thru line. And yes, I could have actually unloaded all 3 children and gone INTO the bank. But I can proudly tell you that I haven’t stepped foot inside the bank since Emme was born.
Can you imagine Jensen inside a bank? He would likely render the security guard weapon free and clear out the tellers of all their lolly pop stash.
No thank you.
Where was I?
So, I drove around the bank and got into the drive-thru line. When I reached the nifty machine that sucks stuff up into the ceiling, I realized that it was fresh out of deposit slips.
Disgusted, I drove around the bank again, and got into another line. This is when All The Questions began. “Mommy, I’m getting dizzy, why are we driving around in circles.” “Mommy, why do we have to go to the bank?” “Mommy, can’t you drop me off at the house?” “Mommy, when are we going to be done?” “Mommy, did you bring snacks?” “Mommy, SHE STUCK HER TONGUE OUT AT ME!” Pfffffffttttt! (Sound of my head caving in.)
So. I pulled up and what luck, deposit slips! However, I was unable to open my window, as a swarm of wasps had ascended the machine that sucks. And by swarm, I mean one big nasty mean looking wasp. But they seldom travel alone. I waited for a couple of minutes, hoping the wasp would give up and leave. Nothing doing. He was looking for a spot to nest and breed. And I just knew that if I were to open my van window, there would be a suction action of my own. The heated air would be forced in through my driver’s window, bringing the giant wasp in with it.
And I did consider it for just a moment. As that transaction would give the children something fresh and new to complain about.
A line was forming behind me. Therefore, I circled the bank yet again, and went to the commercial window. Daring the teller to shoo me away as I wasn’t a commercial account holder. But she was very sweet and apologetic of the wasp infestation, and gladly handed me a deposit slip. After the transaction was blissfully over, she asked me if I wanted lolly pops for the children. I thanked her and DECLINED.
Crazy maniacs in the back of the van. Working my very last nerve. If anyone deserved a treat, it would be ME, and it should be some sort of chocolate. Or cocktail.
As I drove away to my next adventure, I wondered if anyone were to review the bank security footage from today, if the sight of a crazed housewife circling the bank ad nauseum, in a van while swatting aimlessly at children in the back seat, would arouse any sort of suspicion?