I headed back to the gym today, presumably to reacquaint myself with muscles which evidently had atrophied during my long 3 week absence.
But I got an unexpected bonus.
As I was loitering in the locker room, having “a moment of dread” before I ascended the stairs to torture myself, I overheard the moomoo patrol discussing the new season of television.
I’ve never seen so much floral polyester in one place. It was a jarring assault to my eyes. As floral polyester and I have a long and ugly history. Yet all of their various walkers were parked around the jacuzzi. I would present you with photographic evidence, but the use of cell phones and cameras are strictly prohibited in the locker room.
With good reason. But rest assured that the image is seared into my brain. Forevermore.
The conversation was animated through heavy New York accents. (And btw, my in-laws are from New York, so I’m not being ugly.) New Yorkers, especially elderly New Yorkers, have a wonderfully fun lilt to their speech. It makes me happy.
And I wish I could recreate it for y’all. But I’m limited with my keyboard.
I’ll relay the gist of the conversation as best I can.
I watched the Emmys last night, and now I have to stay up late again tonight.
Why do you have to stay up late again tonight? (asked with obvious concern)
Heavy sigh of exasperation. BECAUSE, tonight is Dancing With The STARS!
(a round of gasps go up from the jacuzzi )
That’s TONIGHT? (voice then lowered to stage whisper) I heard that DONNY OSMOND (enunciated very very carefully) was going to be a dancer!
(This is followed by much excited chatter.)
I thought he was doing Vegas!
Oh, he’s doing both.
(Let me pause to say that at the mention of Donny Osmond, I stealthily moved a wee bit closer to the gaggle of gals.)
Dancing With the Stars? Isn’t that the show that Ellen’s judging now?
Oh no, honey, that’s American Idol.
And this is where the room started spinning.
How is it that I have been living in a cave?
Donny is going to be on Dancing With the Stars? Tonight?
AND ELLEN IS REPLACING PAULA?
What’s next. Someone is going to tell me that Guiding Light is going off the air.
Clearly I need to get myself a TV Guide.
I could purchase some floral polyester and pull up a plastic chair next to the jacuzzi. Somehow I think that will be a far more fun way to keep me up to date on all matters of televised importance.
And I’ll just let everyone think I’m really exercising.
Updated to add: I did indeed watch DWTS, after a season absence. It did not disappoint. I may have to tune in this season. Donny was dreamy. Even if he is 50. And a grandfather.
I’m going to look totally hot in floral polyester.