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Let’s Get Physical

I’m very good about keeping annual appointments for the Scraping of the Cervix.  And of course that goes double for the Smashing of the Breast.  Two high points of my year.

My GYN has been after me to get a physical for the last several years.  To check the health of all points in-between.

At last I had found a family physician who met my two major criteria:

•  She is accepted by my insurance.
•  Her office is next door to my favorite coffee shop.

Interestingly, this medical office complex now occupies the building of a grocery chain that went under last year.  In fact, my new doctor’s office is located in produce.

I arrived a few minutes early to fill out the novella of paperwork.  They called me in rather quickly which was annoying since I was unable to catch up on my reading.  They even had the latest issue of People Magazine.  The only time I take the time to read something cerebral is at the doctor’s office.

Now how am I ever going to find out who the hottest bachelors are?

The first thing I was asked to do was step up on the scales, which were located in a busy central area of the office.  Good thinking.  I kicked off my shoes, because those sandals add a good .25 % of a pound to my slight frame.  While I stood there, willing the numbers to fall, the medical assistant had the nerve to ask me my age.

It’s not like she couldn’t just check out the reams of paperwork I had just filled out which ASKED FOR MY AGE ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE.

“I’m 38,” I answered.  I stood there a second more.  And it occurred to me that I’m not 38.  This struck me as funny, since she didn’t question me.  “I’m sorry, I’m not 38, I’m really 48, and the last 10 years have been a blur.”

I never lie about my age, I just don’t think about it.  You can call it avoidance if you like.  As you may know, avoidance is my favorite coping technique.

At last I was placed into a nice private little office, where I could continue to amuse myself by reliving the age thing.

I met my new doctor, and she was lovely.  We talked about general girl stuff, and she became my best friend forever when she showed me the little wheel which stated plainly that I was not overweight.

I’ve got to get one of those little wheel thingies.

She told me that I needed to have a regular blood workup.  “Have you fasted today?” Since it was close to noon and their were no dead bodies lying about, I assured her that I had indeed eaten that day.

She told me that I simply needed to fast from midnight on, on a day that was convenient for me to come in for blood work.

Fasting is never convenient.  I even sneaked food into labor and delivery.  And I may have sent Fiddledaddy down the hall to retrieve Pop Tarts from the vending machine two or 20 times.  Just sayin’.

But fortunately the lab is open at 7:30 am, so if I can manage to sleep in till 7:10, roll out of bed, hop in the car, and get the blood sucked out of me at 7:31, I should be able to hit McDonalds for coffee and something healthy to eat by 7:45.

No one should have to die.

The conversation with my new doctor was easy and pleasant until she asked the question.  “Have you had a colonoscopy yet?”


Okay, that part of the conversation went on in my eyes only, and she must have noticed because she quickly added that I really could wait until I’m 50.



I left the office, my mind reeling.  I’m going to turn FIFTY in just a little over a year.  I turned right and headed down the sidewalk to my old favorite coffee shop.  Only to find out it had moved 4 miles away.

I had to calm my nerves with a quick right turn into Subway.  Because the little wheelie thing said that I wasn’t overweight.

It’s a good thing those physicals come but just once a year.  I don’t think I can take another dose of reality any sooner than that.


14 Responses to Let’s Get Physical

  • Oh, I want the little wheel thingy too! And I never remember how old I am. I always have to stop and think about it. People must think I’m just stupid.

  • Laughing out loud, but no at you, with you, I turned 40 this year and the annual girl dr. visits now include the smashing of the boobs! At least I have 10 yrs to get ready for the other.

  • Did you know they want to do the smashing of the boobs at 35 now? At least my dr. recommended it. I’m almost 36 and haven’t done it yet. Thanks for reminding me that I’m due for the scraping of the cervix again too!

  • I’ve been procrastinating all of those things: the scraping, smashing, starving. And the weighing. Gotta be done, so thanks for the reminder. And yes, I forget my age, because it changes every year. Clearly this is not my fault. But the colonoscopy? No big deal – best drugs you’ve ever had, almost as good as a (short) beach vacation.

  • I’ve had more scraping, smashing, and starving over the past year than I’d care to think about. My doc had recommended that the works just be taken out as they’re so problematic. I agreed. So, at the age of 35 (I REALLY am) I’ll be done with some of that business anyway. I’m just not looking forward to the hospital stay. I just got the chills typing that.

  • Thanks for the reminder to get all that stuff done. It has been 3 years since the Pap, 2 years since the last mammo and in a few years they’ll be talking to me about the other (although it costs $1,500 and there are blood tests and other scopy procedure that is effective but the docs don’t mention that, do they)? However, I do have the bloodwork done — it is the easiest procedure of all and gives great info about cholesterol, etc.

  • (having a daughter with type 1 diabetes) Make sure you get your A1c (A-one-c) checked, it lets the doctor know how your blood sugar is over the last 2-3 months instead of just a fasting result. Can help to diagnose pre-diabetes or type 2. I’ve already had the other and I’m not even 35. I had some abdominal issues (thanks child #3) and the dr wanted to rule out that area – it’s fine thank you very much. But the test isn’t bad, it’s the prep buy NICE NICE toilet paper! 🙂 Because of family history I had the smooshing done last year, it wasn’t that bad either.

  • Last time I went into the doctor for a prescription refill my doctor kindly reminded me that I was nearly due for a yearly physical…oh goodie, I can hardly wait!! I’m going to hold off as long as I can, though since I would like to sport a new lower number on the scales! So for my physical she can remind me that I’m only slightly obese instead of morbidly obese! lol!!

  • well. . .

    I do the scraping once every 5 years, if I remember. Have yet to do the squoosh thing, and haven’t had a doctor mention anything else either.

    I’m 39, but only know that because I had to figure it out yesterday. I’ll forget it by the end of the week and go merrily along with my life until someone asks me again.

  • One more assurance that a colonoscopy is not an ordeal at all. The preparation, though…ugh.

  • You live near me, don’t you?

    Please email me and tell me the name of this doctor! I have my gyn, but for the life of me can’t find a general practitioner who doesn’t creep me out, or hasn’t moved out of state, or who is more interested in my health than my wallet.

  • I think it’s time to switch from the Ob/GYN to a regular doctor, too. I mean, when you’re done having kids and all. But a colonoscopy? What? I would totally be saying “Shut up” out loud.

  • LOL – Loved it – identified with it. Though when the nurse as my doctor says “step on the scale”, I say, “no thank you, not today” and just keep walking. Haven’t been called on it yet.

  • I’ve had the colonoscopy and I’m not even 48 yet (teetering on the brink but the ‘yet’ is still there!). The way I look at it is this…5 pounds out the door in no time AND you get a little nappy that nobody wakes you up from for awhile. And when they do, you don’t care that they just shoved a garden hose up your nether regions.