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Making A Splash

I was seen publicly in a bathing suit last Friday.

Sort of.

The last time I wore a bathing suit in front of someone other than the three way image of myself under ugly fluorescent lighting was when I was pregnant with Jensen.

I am fond of maternity bathing suit wear.  A) There is ample material to cover your backside, and B) I never have to hold my stomach in.

As if.

I’d love to tell you that I felt completely comfortable in public sporting a bathing suit because I managed to get myself into bathing suit shape just in time for summer.

But that big fat lie could land me in the hot place.  And I’m not talking about Florida.  Although in summer, well, never mind.

I went online to Lands End because I’ve been coveting their swimwear for years.  Especially those amazing slenderizing suits.  I’ve not purchased swimwear online ever because, well, there’s just nothing like seeing yourself in a badly lit 3-way mirror.

And why would I ever want to rob myself of that experience.

And then there’s the cost.  Really good swimwear that has enough material to cover all that God intended to be covered is not inexpensive.

So.  I went to the overstocks section of Land’s End, and I found myself a one piece black suit in a size none-of-your-business for $12.99.


And then I ordered a color coordinated long sleeve rash guard that was on sale.

And let me just sing the praises of Land’s End because the morning after I made my purchases, I received an e-mail telling me of a free shipping on swimwear special.

I e-mailed Land’s End back and asked them if they could credit the shipping costs that I had just paid the night before, AND THEY SAID OF COURSE THEY WOULD.

I received the suit and it fit PERFECTLY.  And the rash guard is simply penance for a woman who spent every summer slathering her teenaged self in baby oil and then roasting in the hot Texas sun.

Because I thought that bright lobster red was better than pale flounder white.

And then (here’s where I’m really brilliant) I went out and purchased some brightly flowered men’s board shorts to pull the entire ensemble together.  (Okay, the board shorts were Fiddledaddy’s idea and I just want to be honest about that because he claims that I always take credit for his really good ideas.)  BTW, why any man would wear floral board shorts is beyond me.

I like men’s board shorts because they are longer and you can get them without bulky waist elastic.  It is my opinion that whoever makes women’s board shorts really has it in for women.

So now when I swim, the only part of me that is really visible is from the knobby knees down.

I should have been born in 1885.  Except for scarcity of indoor plumbing.  And air conditioning.  And the internet.

I sashayed myself out for public viewing last Friday by taking the kids to the pool.  When I wandered into the shallow end, they all exclaimed, “MOMMY,are you getting IN?”

I felt so comfortable that I thought I’d show my children how well mommy could dive off of the board back in the day.

And you know, as my feet left the security of the board, and I made my arch in the air, I looked down at the water and realized that I hadn’t dove from a diving board in a couple of decades.  And it occurred to me just then that I should really think things through more often.

That could have ended so badly, but thankfully, I was at least able to embarrass my children.  And really, that’s what I live for.

Just hand me a drink topped with a little umbrella, and I’m now officially ready for summer.


12 Responses to Making A Splash

  • Blah! Bathing suits!

    I found a couple that cover all that should be covered. . .yet, amazingly those darn suits manage to never make it out of their drawer.

  • I was forced to buy a new suit myself this year…I bought it at Target and it cost me $60 for all that gear~tankini, boy short bottoms and a pair of board shorts. I mean, I paid $60 so I could humilate myself in public by wearing a swimsuit. What kind of freak am I?!

    As for Lands End, they are FABULOUS!! I had a pair of shoes that I got from them. I wore them almost daily for over a year when part of them broke. I called LE to see if they could send me a replacement part. And you know what? They sent me a brand new pair of shoes NO CHARGE!! Now THAT is Customer Service!!

  • I love Land’s End swim wear. I actually swear by it. Their virtual model is AWESOME! I even pay full price for their swim wear. I know…crazy! I have purchased swim suits from them for the past three years. We are going to the lake for Memorial Day and once again I will wear my brand new Land’s End swim suit. I just need to get some tanning lotion to cover my pasty white legs or else the glare could cause some water tragedies.

  • A rash guard? I’m trying to imagine what this might be…so far I have in my mind a mesh piece of fabric that resembles a summer wrap, but it just doesn’t seem practical for swimming.

  • Board shorts! Yes! I totally agree with you there! Luckily, after years of searching, I found myself some women’s board shorts that are long like men’s but don’t fall off of me (my diminutive stature does not lend itself well to menswear, unfortunately).

    Congratulations on overcoming the fear! I have yet to wear swimwear outside of the gym.

  • Land’s End Overstocks is the place to be. I got my last tankini pieces all for unbelievable prices. Think got one bottom for 4 bucks. They rock.

    Quite brave on the diving board!!!

  • I am cracking up laughing just picturing it all, DeeDee. Nice job getting the suit, I bet that made your kid’s summer!

  • what are board shorts?

    • Okay, board shorts and rash guards may be something only spotted on the coasts. Board shorts are like a long shorts using bathing suit material. Lots of guys wear them when surfing. I’ve never surfed. Not since “jaws” was released do I venture out past my ankles.

      A rash guard is a long sleeved t-shirt style shirt that dries quickly, and protects you from the harmful rays of the sun. It also acts as a concealer for those unsightly chicken wings that women sometimes get during mid-life. Or so I hear…

      And again, surfer’s wear them to protect them from getting chaffed on their surf board. I’m totally making that up. I have no idea where the term “rash guard” comes from. But I could be right. Stranger things have happened.

  • I LOVE Land’s End! I’ve bought my last 2 suits from them. They last way longer than I want them to. I mean, who wants to wear the same swimsuit longer than 3 years?!? We have a Land’s End store about an hour from us, so this time I went out there and tried all the styles on. I found the one I wanted and then waited for the email with 30% off and free shipping. Yeah, baby!

  • Oh…must go to Land’s End site now…and get me a trendy, inexpensive, all covering summer suit as well!!! Thanks for the chuckle from your pool adventure!

  • You are a brave woman ordering a bathing suit from a catalog, lady. Bravo!