I was seen publicly in a bathing suit last Friday.
The last time I wore a bathing suit in front of someone other than the three way image of myself under ugly fluorescent lighting was when I was pregnant with Jensen.
I am fond of maternity bathing suit wear. A) There is ample material to cover your backside, and B) I never have to hold my stomach in.
I’d love to tell you that I felt completely comfortable in public sporting a bathing suit because I managed to get myself into bathing suit shape just in time for summer.
But that big fat lie could land me in the hot place. And I’m not talking about Florida. Although in summer, well, never mind.
I went online to Lands End because I’ve been coveting their swimwear for years. Especially those amazing slenderizing suits. I’ve not purchased swimwear online ever because, well, there’s just nothing like seeing yourself in a badly lit 3-way mirror.
And why would I ever want to rob myself of that experience.
And then there’s the cost. Really good swimwear that has enough material to cover all that God intended to be covered is not inexpensive.
So. I went to the overstocks section of Land’s End, and I found myself a one piece black suit in a size none-of-your-business for $12.99.
TWELVE DOLLARS AND NINETY NINE CENTS.
And then I ordered a color coordinated long sleeve rash guard that was on sale.
And let me just sing the praises of Land’s End because the morning after I made my purchases, I received an e-mail telling me of a free shipping on swimwear special.
I e-mailed Land’s End back and asked them if they could credit the shipping costs that I had just paid the night before, AND THEY SAID OF COURSE THEY WOULD.
I received the suit and it fit PERFECTLY. And the rash guard is simply penance for a woman who spent every summer slathering her teenaged self in baby oil and then roasting in the hot Texas sun.
Because I thought that bright lobster red was better than pale flounder white.
And then (here’s where I’m really brilliant) I went out and purchased some brightly flowered men’s board shorts to pull the entire ensemble together. (Okay, the board shorts were Fiddledaddy’s idea and I just want to be honest about that because he claims that I always take credit for his really good ideas.) BTW, why any man would wear floral board shorts is beyond me.
I like men’s board shorts because they are longer and you can get them without bulky waist elastic. It is my opinion that whoever makes women’s board shorts really has it in for women.
So now when I swim, the only part of me that is really visible is from the knobby knees down.
I should have been born in 1885. Except for scarcity of indoor plumbing. And air conditioning. And the internet.
I sashayed myself out for public viewing last Friday by taking the kids to the pool. When I wandered into the shallow end, they all exclaimed, “MOMMY,are you getting IN?”
I felt so comfortable that I thought I’d show my children how well mommy could dive off of the board back in the day.
And you know, as my feet left the security of the board, and I made my arch in the air, I looked down at the water and realized that I hadn’t dove from a diving board in a couple of decades. And it occurred to me just then that I should really think things through more often.
That could have ended so badly, but thankfully, I was at least able to embarrass my children. And really, that’s what I live for.
Just hand me a drink topped with a little umbrella, and I’m now officially ready for summer.