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When Nature Calls, Hang Up

We’ve spent the last couple of days at Walt Disney World.

I know.  Life is hard.

We figured this is our last hurrah, before summer.  We have Florida resident season passes, and this is the last non-busy week before the craziness of May crowds. And then we’re barred from going June through August.  (Block out dates.)

Which is fine by us.  Because the summer crowds are, well, crowded.  And this is Florida.  Which is synonymous with hell in the summer.

No offense to hell.

In fact, I prefer to spend the entire summer season indoors, if that’s at all possible.  And really, if I sprint between the air-conditioned car and our front door, I need never be overtaken by heat stroke.  And bingo, I’ve gotten in a little exercise as well.

With each subsequent trip to the happiest place on earth, I’m more and more convinced that I need to write a how-to book about navigating Disney World.

Particularly the bathrooms.

I have been storing up tidbits of information in my sieve-like mind with each visit.  Useful information which I have yet to find in any previously published Disney World Manual.

For example, when you ride Splash Mountain, you will end up with a soggy bottom.  Soaked right down to your under drawers.  No matter where you sit on the ride.  And any attempt to shield yourself using an article of your own clothing or, say, one of your own children is in vain.

After riding Splash Mountain, you may feel the urge to visit the nearby Ladies Room.  You know, because of THE SOUND OF ALL THE RUSHING  WATER, and all.

And here is where you must pay close attention.

If you must visit the Ladies Room after riding Splash Mountain, never, I repeat NEVER, use the paper seat cover provided to feather your nest.  It will morph into paper mache and become a permanent attachment to your backside.  In the shape of a toilet seat.

And another thing, while I’m on the subject:  I take issue with those automatic flushing toilets that Disney World so thoughtfully provides.  Toilets that flush willy nilly with no provocation whatsoever.  What’s up with that?

It annoys to to no end to finally detach an entire seat cover (as they normally are dispensed in tiny pieces), and then to carefully place the cover over the offending seat, only to have the toilet mysteriously flush for no good reason.  Thusly taking your precious seat cover away before it could be put to good use.

Today that scenario played out for me SEVEN times in the bathroom nearest The Tower of Terror.  I outsmarted the toilet by a move that could only be recreated during a high spirited game of Twister.

I actually broke a sweat.  Which is so uncool.

It is a mystery to me why Disney isn’t busting a femur trying to get me to be like an official reviewer.

I’ve been working through a few titles for my novel.  The best I’ve been able to come up with is “Experiencing Disney World, One Flush at a Time.”

Clearly, more research may be in order.


19 Responses to When Nature Calls, Hang Up

  • do a search on disboards.com It’s been done.

  • Those stupid self-flushing toilets totally freaked out DramaBoy the other day. He practically leapt off the seat in mid-poop, and it took great force of arm to wrestle him back on, at which point he clung to me and begged me to keep it from flushing again. The trauma totally clogged up his pipes, too.


  • Auto flush? Use a sticker, a mini post-it note, or if you have nothing in your purse, make a spit ball with a little bit of toilet paper. Cover the sensor, and voila, no auto flushing until you’re done and ready for it!

  • Melanie – EXCELLENT idea! We have auto-flush toilets at work & they apparently like to flush at any movement (not usually while you’re sitting on them thank goodness). It’s a big waste of water that’s for sure!

  • I’m beginning to see where Jensen gets his fascination with toilets. And btw, I’d buy the book. I want to know these things!

  • I went in January. And I have got to brag about this…
    We went with another couple and their son (to keep our son from annoying us to death and complaining about the “30 miles” of walking). Anyway, after day 5, the husband of my friend looked at me and said, “one of the most important things that i have learned about you on this trip is that you pee faster than anyone on earth! I am amazed!”
    So I beat the little sensor with my catlike bathroom quickness. And I hover, woman, I hover, and it beats feathering 100 percent.
    And I am all for you writing a Disney book. Your advice about avoiding the Magic Hours was very useful. We rode everything we wanted before lunch almost every day!

  • Great suggestions! Because my little girl is TERRIFIED of the automatic toilets, I have to cover the sensor with my hand, keep her from falling in, and attempt to keep all the mommy paraphernalia from falling in the toilet/touching the germ ridden floor all at the same time. Love the twister analogy. Been there, done that!

  • OMG…. lolol… I hate those auto flush toilets… spraying..er…. flush back at me. yuk

  • Honestly – we are headed to Disney World this weekend for the first time ever… and of all the useless tips I’ve read on the internet about HOW to survive 5 days at Disney with 3 children AND my parents… your advice may just be the best I’ve read so far!

    I’d love any other survival tips you can pass our way!

  • I am rolling on the floor lauging this time…..

    And I would completely buy your book!! Are you throwing in a free set of flushable wipes at the signing?

  • That’s funny and I SO understand! I’ll never forget my first time on one of those auto-flush contraptions.

  • The worst part of the auto flush is the splash up. I HATE that.

    And I think the Melanie above with the post-it, spitball idea should replace Gibbsy as Press Sec. She is genius!

  • You always make me laugh! What a wonderful way to start the day!! 🙂


  • Oh, my goodness, that’s hilarious. I bet Jensen would love to help you investigate for that book. 🙂

  • I also am a hover-er. I only sit if I have to.. wink wink. It’s much faster and easier than feathering any day.

  • My 4 year old daughter was traumatized by the automatic flushers at Disney. Now we have to hoof it across the park to the baby care center every time she has to use the bathroom because they’re the only ones that have handles.

  • How ironic. We may have been at Magic Kingdom getting ourselves soaking wet on Splash Mountain on the very same day!! I thought it was just because I was stuck in the front row of the boat both times. You mean you can get wet in other parts of the boat? ‘Cause no one else in our party seemed to be as wet as I was.

  • We live in Central Fl too and have the same passes! I always take a stack of Post it Notes with me to cover the “eye” of the toilet.
    My dd is scared of all the wooshing toilets and will not sit on one unless we make sure it won’t flush while she is going.
    I’ve been taking some mental disney notes myself…have you checked out their moms panel? I want to be on it!