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Bathroom Humor

I am very fortunate in that when I go to our gym, I am able to leave my children in the very capable hands of the childcare workers there.  The play area is a dream.  It’s large, there are a vast amount of activities, a craft area, and a Wii is mounted to the wall.

Best of all, the area is monitored so that I can view my children on a television screen in the workout area.

And I don’t have to hear them.

Since we homeschool, the childcare area has a minimal amount of children when we go.  So the childcare workers are well acquainted with my kids.

Especially Jensen.

They know all his tricks.  We had to ban him from going to the bathroom while he is in childcare.  As you know, Jensen is awfully enamored with All Things Toilet related.  He had those poor childcare workers run ragged having to fish him out of the bathroom.  And then there’s the very real fear that he will flush his own head.

One particular worker who is especially fond of Jensen told me that she is writing a book about him entitled, “Bathroom Conversations with Jensen.”

Jensen does his best thinking in the bathroom.

I make sure he has gone before we arrive at the gym.  And I give him very strict orders to stay out of the bathroom.  And the girls are on to him now, and they will not under any circumstances fall for his schemes.

The other day, as I was sweating profusely while attempting to lift 2.5 pound dumbbells for exactly one set, I saw Jensen’s bathroom buddy approaching me.

This can’t be good.

I pull my iPod ear buds from my ear canals.  The smooth sounds of Barry White were still ringing therein.

Alarmed, I asked “What’s Wrong?  What has he done?”

My first thought was that he had decapitated himself via the giant fan that was in use to diffuse the smell of fresh varnish in another room.

She started giggling.  And could barely speak.  “Jensen has a request.  He said he REALLY needs to go to the bathroom.”

And they wanted to clear it with me first.

She went on to tell me that he stood in front of the ceiling camera, looked up, and repeatedly yelled, “MOMMY!  I NEED TO GO POO-POO!!!!”  Much to the joy of all the workers and parents trapped in the room with him.

No one could convince him that I could not hear him from the sanctity of the weight room.

He continued yelling his request.

“Oh good gravy, of course let him go.”

She giggled again, saying “Your kid cracks me up.”

I quickly checked the monitor, fully expecting him to be standing there naked.  On camera.

But he had already been whisked off to the bathroom.

Then tonight before dinner, Jensen comes running up to me, “MOM, SMELL MY FINGER!”

I’ve already fallen for that one.  I sent him to wash his hands at once.  Under my watchful eye.

Boys are different.  I have all the empty Loreal Hair Color boxes and Extra-Strength Excedrin bottles to prove it.

And I fear that I ain’t seen nothin’ yet.


20 Responses to Bathroom Humor

  • totally giggled at picturing this whole scene… ahhahaa!

  • Boys seriously do have a completely different thought process that goes on in there.

    I do believe they think, it just isn’t linear thinking.

    Unless linear thinking is taking two completely unrelated items and putting them together.

    That’s why boys are difficult. They think of things that you wouldn’t dream of forbidding, because why would anyone do such a thing.

  • LOL
    OMgoodness! I was just blogging this very morning about my four dear sons and their quirks! BOYS are really something. LOL
    I am so green with envy that you live by a workout facility with daycare. I home school and that is my DREAM!!!
    Take care and God bless

  • Haha, SO funny! You have to love boys!

  • Ahhh, boys. . .

    Have you read, Why Gender Matters?

    It’s truly enlightening, in many of their aspects — like NOISE.

  • Jensen cracks me up.

    Tell the girl that I will totally pick up a copy of “Bathroom Conversations with Jensen” when it comes out [smile].

    And don’t worry: Mythbusters has proven that while it is possible to kill yourself via an industrial strength fan, it is impossible to decapitate yourself with one [smile].


  • *sigh* You’re scaring me. 9 & 1/2 years of trying, approved for adoption last May. Then suddenly find out surprise, I’m pregnant (how did THAT happen my husband asks) and due June 2nd. (10 days before our 10th anniversary, when we were headed to Hawaii. God’s sense of humor and timing cracks me up. We’re so excited! However….. it’s a BOY! I keep hearing these stories and thinking my future looks… exciting, fun, rewarding and … tiring! …. (and we’re still working with our adoption agency and are currently talking with a potential birth mom who is due 4 weeks before my due date, with a girl :O)

    • Monica,

      CONGRATULATIONS! That happened to a girlfriend of mine. Had been trying for many years to get pregnant, then as soon as the adoption was final on her foster baby, they found out she was pregnant. At age 40. I just say that it is proof positive that God has a sense of humor. 🙂


  • I’m sitting here laughing so hard I have tears! I will be the first one to buy that book if it is ever published! Have a great weekend!

  • Unfortunately the ‘smell my finger’ thing isn’t limited to boys. If my girl does this I hesitate to think of what my son is going to put me through.

  • How funny!!! Should be a really great book, I would think! 🙂

  • It’s somehow relieving to know we’re not the only ones blessed with a finger-smeller. What helps me is to keep repeating: “he’ll grow out of it… he’ll grow out of it… he’ll grow out of it…”

  • I think all mothers should blog, so when it comes time for our book deals, we don’t have to think so hard!

  • Make sure you get a healthy cut of any proceeds from her book deal. You might need it for Jensen’s college tuition. Or therapy. Just sayin’.

  • You could do stand up. This is brilliant!

  • The thing I find so amusing is how OTHER people think your kids are so funny when they do stuff like this, while as the actual kid’s parent it’s sometimes harder to find the humor until LATER. Much later. Like the whole “FACK” thing at the library. I mean, the librarians may not have liked it (and you didn’t sound like you enjoyed it either), but it cracked ME up, and I have 4 kids myself.

  • I tell ya…my Abby is the girl for Jensen. She has managed to break two toilets this week. Who knew that Lil’ Petshops and toothbrushes didn’t flush. It is nice to see that you manage to keep your sense of humor with all the bathroom issues too!

  • Oh, my. That is a riot.

    I’ve got a little (tornado) girl who has been well-trained by her two older brothers as to “appropriate” behavior. I believe some of her first words were “burp” and “poop.”

  • Hysterical. That is so funny. I have been offline for a few days due to sickness and I needed a good laugh. You always deliver. Though I understand that you may not find it as funny as we all do. Thank you for keeping us laughing and finding the humor in parenting.

  • Monkey is, by boy standards, a very mild and gentle creature…but even HE has some weird fascination with potty water. He turned 5 yesterday and I caught him that very day playing “boats” with Legos in the toilet.

    It’s a boy thing…and it’s hilarious!