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The Plumber’s Crack – A Mystery

My morning began as I stood bunion deep in overflowing toilet water.  Flannel pajama clad, plunger in hand, I watched as the water kept rising, then crested, and finally came cascading over the rim onto the cheap linoleum.

I had two choices to make in a hurry.  (Well, three if you count crying like a little girl.)  Turn the water off at the valve, or go run for beach towels in the next room.

I did neither.

I opted to close the door, thusly trapping myself inside the bathroom with the rising water.

Odd choice, you might say.

Yes, but I didn’t want Jensen to hear the catastrophe brewing the bathroom.  I wanted him to continue eating his Cheerios in peace.  In the other room.  Far far away from the bathroom.

Because my son, as I’ve mentioned 5 or 50 times, is obsessed with toilets.

He spends a good deal of his day in the bathroom, quizzing me about the intricacies of indoor plumbing.  And lately, the question most asked has been, “What happens in case the water comes out?” To which I reply, “It never will.” Yet he presses, “But, what happens in case?”

“Jensen, mommy knows just what to do, and I assure you that will never happen.” Pride generally goes before the fall.

It is his dream of dreams that the toilet should overflow.  Just think of all the water games.

I’ve been fishing him out of the toilet ever since he could crawl.  Finally I installed a baby-proof doorknob cover.  Which worked for a few years.  But he recently discovered that he could remove it from the door and what luck!  It floats!

I’ve even threatened to have a potty theme in honor of his 4th birthday.  But just planning it in my head gave me enough joy.

Instead he wants to spend his special day at Disney World, in the company of my future daughter-in-law, Minnie Mouse.

After I closed the bathroom door, and soundproofed it with a couple of bathtowels, I turned off the water at the source.  I’ve never turned that knob before, and I fully expected it to come off in my hand while water shot out of the wall.

Because it was shaping up to be that kind of day.

Thankfully the flow stopped, and by this time the toilet water had saturated my sleeping socks and was creeping up my flannel pajamas.

I tiptoed to the bathroom door, and like a secret agent, I made sure the coast was clear.  The Cheerios were still holding Junior’s attention.  I knew this because I could hear the sisters shrieking when he flicked one at them.

Stealthily, I crept down the hall, with my back against the wall, and slipped into the laundry room, unnoticed.  Gathering all the beach towels we own, I retraced my soggy steps and retreated back into hell the bathroom.

After laying down a carpet of towels, I began plunging again.  As though my very life depended on success.

And btw, the plunger had been extracted earlier from the master bath by hiding it underneath my pajamas.

No one noticed I was extra lumpy.  Or if they did, they kept it to themselves.

After working up a pretty good sweat, I finally achieved success, and the toilet was back in working order.  I mopped up the mess with the towels and then deposited them directly into the washing machine.  With more than the recommended amount of Tide with Bleaching Action.

Then I threw away my socks and boiled my feet.

I sneaked into the kitchen to get the mop and my trusty bottle of bleach and water.  If the Junior had seen the mop, he would have known something was dreadfully wrong.

As the mop only makes a guest appearance during emergencies.

Again, I stuffed the mop and cleaners up under my flannels and returned to the scene of the crime.  To erase all traces of evidence.  (Not at all unlike the way that Benjamin Linus cleaned up after he murdered John Locke, for you my fellow Losties.)

After I finished, had everything put away, and opened the door to vent, Jensen finally sauntered by.

Sensing something was amiss, he sniffed the air.  He is in possession of heightened olfactory senses.

Accusingly he asked “MOMMY!  Did you just cwean my bathwoom?” He likes to be present during any and all activities associated with his bathroom.

“Why yes son, I did.  In fact you could eat of the fl…um, la la la, never mind what mommy just said.” I momentarily lost my mind, forgetting that this is the child who has licked the toilet seat.

Even in the face of sure and sudden danger, I didn’t crack under the intense pressure.  I am super-mommy.

Stay tuned next week when I attempt to dislodge a Barbie head from the jaws of the vacuum.  It will be riveting.


25 Responses to The Plumber’s Crack – A Mystery

  • Hi there,
    I got your link from amy,a blog. I enjoyed your post. Very funny:-)

  • I think I have the woman for Jensen….my Abby is also obsessed with all things bathroom. Her latest craze is cleaning the stuffed animals in the sink or if it is not available…the toilet. She is 4…I think it would be a match made in heaven!

  • Too funny! Those things always seem to happen at the worst time.

    (And kudos for the LOST reference. Were you surprised that Ben killed Locke??)

  • My youngest had the toilet overflow after she used it one time (2 years ago).

    She was so mortified, that she is now obsessed with how much toilet paper is ‘too much’ and whether it will sound funny after she flushes.
    She will even re-check the toilet a couple of minutes later when we are in a public restroom (particularly nice when someone is trying to go in and she runs back in to ‘check’ it almost knocking them over).
    I have no idea how we fostered this OCD, but apparently it is hard to extinguish in a 7 year old.

    Trust me on this.

    Toilets, oh how you puzzle me!

  • Way to go, Mom!! You should be a secret agent for sure!!! Anyone that can get a mop and cleanser across the house by smuggling it under your flannels is more than qualified in MY book! hehe

  • And her cape flapped behind her in the wind, much like the flapper in the tank.

  • hilarious! sorry you had such a rough start to the day, though.

  • That would only happen to you! But what do you do when you look over and see your son licking the bottom of his flip-flop? I tried to boil his tongue because I knew some sort of germ killing bleaching agent could not be ingested.

  • One of my favorite posts of yours! Hiding the plunger up the PJs completely cracks me up. I do that with other stuff all the time. And WOW-Ben killing John!

  • Oh my gravy! was that funny. I especially loved the “No one noticed I was extra lumpy….”

    glad you got it all worked out without the boy knowing. 🙂

  • This is hysterical. Recently caught my almost-2-year-old sticking toilet paper in the toilet then sucking on it like it was nectar of the gods. I’m all for the 5 second rule, but his was even challenged my low standards. Luckily the toilet water was fresh. Can’t guarantee it’s cleanliness though. Glad to hear she’s in good company.

  • I’m just proud you were able to get the plunger to cooperate with you and not create any further damage. I have yet to master that thing! 🙂 And with three kids who think toilet paper just grows on trees, well, I’ve had a lot of practice!

    Enjoy all your writings! 🙂 They make me laugh out loud!

  • You are going to be the next superhero action figure. You will come with plunger and a cape…I can just see it now:)

    You rock!

  • This reminds me of the time my 5 year old put a 5 oz. plastic cup in the toilet “to see what would happen.” What happened was a plumber to the tune of (what seemed at the time) hundreds of dollars!
    I KNEW Ben had done dastardly deeds in the past, but to kill John!?!

  • Maybe he’ll grow up to be a plumber and repair your toilets for free!

  • you ARE indeed super! And let’s hope the toilet stays clear and flood free for a long time.

  • Ben is the ultimate creep!
    You, on the other hand…are the heroine of this tale!

    Reminds me of two things:

    My youngest had a fear of the Toilet Monster her brother made up to scare her when she was just 2. He convinced her that she had to be out of the bathroom when toilets finished flushing or the monster would get her!

    How do you explain/replace a thick novel you borrowed from someone, when it had an unfortunate incident with an open toilet? How was I to know it would dive off the tp holder when I stopped to blow my congested sinuses?!?

  • 007 DeeDee strikes again.

    I had one of my boys try to flush a stuffed animal down the toilet. Those things morph into a 200 pound sack of sand when wet.

    That happened 12 years ago – I’m not bitter any more. 😉

  • LICKED THE TOILET SEAT???? Now I know what I’m missing out on by having girls.

  • My older boy (almost 8) used to walk into the mens room with my husband shouting “I know, don’t touch the toilet” (usually a truck stop in Arkansas).
    BTW, my dad, growing up in the ’50s found out many times that the lid to a mayonnaise jar was the exact size to stop up the toilet. My grandmother must have loved that game.

  • This entry is hilarious! I can just imagine sneaking around with all of that hidden in your PJs!

  • I too have a son obsessed with all things involving the bathroom. Washes toys in tub, sink or toilet (ugh). Plays for hours in there, doing I don’t even know or want to know what. I just clean up the mess, make him wash hands and go on about my business.

    Can’t wait to here the Barbie story since I have a girl also. Not yet into Barbie’s though.

  • so funny ben could be a ultimate creep,thanks for this blog i enjoyed redaing.

    by: jb