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In a Little Over 24 Hours

I’m more than a smidge excited.  In a little over 24 hours, FOX television will be airing a 2-night, 4 hour premier of “24.”  In honor of this occasion, I wanted to re-run something that I posted 2 years ago, when I was just as giddy with anticipation.

“Basic Truths About Jack Bauer”

(Brilliantly written by Neil Boortz)

  • Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  • If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  • If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it’s beef.
  • Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  • 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  • Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  • Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
  • Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  • Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  • Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  • Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  • When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  • Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  • Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
  • Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
  • When Jack Bauer pees into the wind, the wind changes direction.
  • Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  • When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  • You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  • Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
  • When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  • Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.
  • In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
  • Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
  • In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  • What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
  • Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  • If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
  • People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  • Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
  • Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  • When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
  • It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
  • Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
  • Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Sunday night, 8 PM, on Fox.

Tell me that you simply cannot wait.


15 Responses to In a Little Over 24 Hours

  • I don’t watch the show (sorry), but that was hilarious!

  • I cannot wait. At the end of the last season, I thought I was done with Jack. Disappointed with some things. But that “Redemption” movie has my blood pumping Jack yet once again. Thanks for these. I hadn’t read them in a while and they awaken the luv.

  • Erm… pardon the ignorance, but who is Jack Bauer? (Is that the actor’s name or the character’s name?) LOL… *picks deedee off the floor*

  • I haven’t watched the show before but my husband has. I read this and then I made him read it. We were both cracking up. A much needed laugh after a very long night…

  • I am beyond giddy about tomorrow. Are you going to be on Twitter again? We can chat during the commercials again.

  • My wife sent me this for a laugh.. Nicely done, though aren’t most of these re-purposed Chuck Norris facts?

    After all, we do live in a Chucktatorship…



  • I’ve never seen the show but this made ma laugh so hard that I might have to check it out and buy the earlier DVDs!

  • I cannot wait, I cannot wait, I cannot wait!!! Hubs and I have been on the countdown for weeks now.

    Your list is right on the money!. You should add something about “You gotta trust me” . It’s Jack’s favorite line, you know. Maybe those were his first words.

  • I cannot wait!!!

    We just got addicted this season with the 2 hour premier a couple of months ago and have spent every waking moment catching up all the way from season one.

    I love the list about our Jack. I read it to my husband and we laughed out loud.

  • I just got hooked on 24 about a month ago, and I’m just starting season 3. I have a lot of catching up to do! I’m going to dvr this season so when I’m caught up I’ll have it. We now own all but seasons 2 & 3 which I borrowed from my mom.
    I was about to pee my pants laughing at this list! My friend wants to have the one-liner about “the only reason you’re conscious” for her trainer. It’s funny, if you look up Jack Bauer on face book this trainer is the 5th person listed!

  • So far, hubs and I have only watched 24 on DVD’s. We’ve never had to watch a season on TV and wait a week for the next episode. I think it might kill us (or Jack will). Off to program the TiVo. Can’t wait!!

  • It does not matter how many times I read that list, I still love it and lol!

    We’ve been faithful 24’ites since the first season. Hod I do love that man!!

  • We used to be die-hard (ha!) “24” fans, but weaned ourselves a couple of years ago. That list was hilarious! Hilarious!! Made me want to start watching again. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Some striking similarities to http://chucknorrisfacts.com/

    …which is also hilarious.


  • Well you just know all is right with the world now that Jack is back!