In a Little Over 24 Hours

I’m more than a smidge excited.  In a little over 24 hours, FOX television will be airing a 2-night, 4 hour premier of “24.”  In honor of this occasion, I wanted to re-run something that I posted 2 years ago, when I was just as giddy with anticipation.

“Basic Truths About Jack Bauer”

(Brilliantly written by Neil Boortz)

• Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
• If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
• If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it’s beef.
• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
• Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
• Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
• Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
• Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
• Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
• Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
• Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
• When Jack Bauer pees into the wind, the wind changes direction.
• Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
• When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
• Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
• When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
• Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.
• In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
• Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
• In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
• What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
• Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
• If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
• People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
• Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
• Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
• When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
• It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
• Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
• Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Sunday night, 8 PM, on Fox.

Tell me that you simply cannot wait.