If It’s Not One Thing

Take a little journey with me, if you will.

I’ve just gotten the children all tucked into their respective beds. The house is silent. It’s golden hour. The time when I get my best thinking accomplished.

I finish up my nightly chores by tiptoeing out to the garage. Home of the freezer. Keeper of all things delicious and icy cold.

It’s also the location of any and all treats. Well hidden from the other people that I live with.

Whenever I step out into the garage (which is just off the kid’s bedroom hall) I check the garage carpeting, to make certain I don’t step on, say, a hapless frog.

Because those frogs are a cunning species. They have been known to break into the garage. Just to scare me.

The coast is clear, so I tiptoe over to the freezer and open the door wide, to weigh my dining options.

As I was pushing the Lean Cuisine out of the way, I felt something crawl up the inside of my yoga pants. (Which, btw, have never seen a Yoga position, but “yoga pants” are so much more exotic than “stretchypants”.)

Instinctively, I screamed, dropping a frozen bag of bagels and tupperware bowl of hard Spaghetti Sauce. I jumped up and down slapping at my leg. While continuing to scream.

Soon, two wild eyed daughters stood at the doorway, with their father positioned behind them. So that if I were battling a burglar (which is what they all supposed) the children would have made an excellent shield.

SOMETHING IS CRAWLING UP MY LEG! They continued staring at me. I continued jumping up and down swatting at my leg. Because, no matter what it was, I didn’t want it going up any further.

Just sayin’.

I looked down at the ground, just as a large cockroach fell out of my pants leg. Well. A portion of a cockroach fell out of my pants leg. Evidently he left his entrails behind on my leg. A souvenir, if you will.

Fiddledaddy took care of the remains. While I stumbled back into the house to look for something strong to drink. Alas, all I found was tomato juice. It would have to do.

The children went back to bed. Always thankful for a little excitement. Which I’m happy to provide. And as I stood in the kitchen, I thought I felt a little something else moving around in my pants leg.

So, I did what anyone in their right mind would do. I dropped trow in my kitchen. But what I experienced must have been a phantom cock roach, because nothing was there.

And as luck would have it, at the same time I noticed that the front curtain was open. Giving the neighbors, and any passing car a lovely view of my kitchen.

Right then and there the property value of our house dropped even further.

Leading me to believe that this may not be the right time to cut bait and move somewhere that boasts of limited amphibians and cockroaches. I hang my head in sorrow.

I once killed a large cockroach in the pantry of an apartment I lived in while I was a struggling artist in Los Angeles. The weapon was a heavy shoe thrown from across the room. And I left it there to serve as a warning to other cockroaches. Fiddledaddy will attest to that incident, when he asked me to explain why a long dead cockroach was stuck to my wall.

And yet he married me anyway.

He found himself with a mixed bag, my friends. A mixed bag indeed.

December 4, 2008

30 Responses to If It’s Not One Thing

  • I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. I mean, when you start to laugh about it. In a few years.

    I was horrified, until the dropping of the trow. That must be close to funny already.

  • I went to college in northern Florida and one of the girls on my floor in our dorm found a cockroach in her room. I don’t know why but she called me for help. The only thing I could think of to do was to suck it up with the shared vacuum cleaner in the hall closet. There was no way I was going to touch that thing even to smoosh it.

  • you have the worst luck.

  • I have been there my friend, and when you screamed I screamed. Quietly. On the inside. But, if it had been me the ENTIRE block would have heard me scream. 😉

  • hahaha this is entirely too funny. I am right there with you girl… that’s the only reason I can laugh so hard. I know exactly what that show looked like in your garage.

    I do have to say though, that maybe if you left some LIVE frogs around your home they may eat the cockroaches! I would much rather the frogs any day!

  • Not long after my sis moved to Florida, she awoke to feel something crawling on her. Looking down, she saw a massive only-in-Florida cockroach. On the front of her panties.

    Yeah. She says her in-laws down the block heard her.

  • Note to self:
    Never move to Florida. Ever.

    🙂

  • There are a couple good reasons I don’t miss living in the south… bugs and tornados!

    Thanks for the laugh…

  • SNORT!!! My poor keyboard. I really should know better than to visit when I have food or drink nearby (or in my mouth).

    We call that the “one-legged wiggle dance” here, suitable for screaming at mice or falling on ice. (Hey! A rhyme!!)

    Check the bedding really good tonight! Just sayin’…

    Julie

  • LOL
    omg…sounds like the ones we call Water bugs…
    i havent had any trouble w/ them at home but at my folks lake house they get GIANT….
    good luck
    steff

  • I have to tell you, as I clicked on “Submit Comment” my husband walked up the stairs and I was still laughing.

    Him, “So what’s so funny?”

    Me, “Reading DeeDee.”

    “What’d she do now?” (You’re well known at our house.)

    So I told him a cockroach ran up your leg and his immediate response was, “Oh! She did the one-legged wiggle dance, didn’t she?”

    He says the same thing happened to him with the same dropping of garments.

    Still having heebeegeebees about vermin (between the snickers).

  • I have been tortured and prodded all day. ANd tomorrow? My oldest turns 16.

    So overall, today sucketh.

    ANd yet, being the frined you arem you found a way to bring a huge smile to my face.

    And snot out my nose.

    And a lung coughed up on my desk.

    Yes, I laughed. Hard and long.

    Right into the biggest coughing fit ever seen in this household.

    Oh- and John?

    Says thanks for making me laugh.

    hehe

  • Too funny. And the last time I tried yoga, my eight year old was one and he kept crawling on top of me as I was trying to breath and relax. That was the end of yoga in my house. Nice that we can entertain our kids.

  • Oh my word, that was so funny! My aunt once tried to block a mouse from running out of her bathroom and he ran up the inside of her pant leg. Now THAT would be exciting!

  • I am glad to know that there are other moms out there that hide all the good treats:)

    Now as for that cockroach, EEEWWWW! We had a flying cockroach type bug in our bedroom a couple months ago and I made my husband hunt it down and kill it before I would climb back in bed. It took almost an hour to find that little sucker. So I feel your pain, sister.

  • Thank you so much for the laugh! I have many things that give me the willies….cockroaches, mice, spiders and snakes….just to name a few. I would not do well at all on Survivor.

  • eeeewww, just reading that gave me the shivers! I would have freaked out and screamed and probably would have dropped my pants there in the garage! Yuck! Thanks for the laugh, at least you got some good blog fodder!

  • Been there and feelin’ your pain. I hate roaches, they are so nasty! As you say…it coulda been worse… it might have been a frog!!!

  • I think the frog would have been the lesser evil on this one

  • When I was a college student (yes, in Florida) I was lounging outside on the grassy lawn of the dorm “studying.” I got a lizard up the leg of my jeans. All the outside doors were kept locked except the front – had to run all the way around to get inside and get those pants off.

    God bless you child. The cockroach is the eeewwww-iest of them all. And, they also have a keen sense for where all the good snacks are.

  • You left me LOL’ing as usual! But you also crushed my hope of one day moving to sunny Florida since we visited during Thanksgiving and loved it so much. Um.. sorry, you can keep your Florida..and your frogs etc. I can pass! The bugs are bad enough in Texas!

    I did comment to my hubby once during our visit that the bugs must be atrocious there! I guess that’s confirmed! LOL

  • seriously, you crack me — but I can’t say I’d respond any differently. I remember when I was young, my mom had a mouse run down her bathing suit — so at least you didn’t have that – yikes!

  • Oh mah gosh! That is freaky. I bet your home is worth a lot. Neighborhood entertainment – priceless. I would pay big bucks to live next door to you. But now that you have cockroaches and frogs forget it. *hee hee* 🙂

    Btw, thought about you. Wally world has candy cane oreos. There really is peace on earth.

  • Too funny! I don’t miss those “palmetto bugs”! Thanks for the laugh.

  • Gross!!! Your blog made me shutter just to read about it! But it was funny. Especially since it did not happen to me. If it had, there would not be enough DNA left recoverable to ever prove a bug had pasted that way! Thanks for the laugh.

  • That would have cured me from my late-night snack attacks!

  • Thank you for the geezer laugh (you laugh so hard you only wheeze) and a reminder of why I’ll never live in Florida! Except here in Alabama, we have the dreaded Well Cricket, those brown spotted crickets with giraffe legs that have little stickers that cling to your leg so they can vault themselves up the pantsleg. I have danced many a cricket dance, and to this day (I’m 46) run from the back door across my mother’s garage before leaping on the bottom step to avoid the crickets.

  • Oh so, so funny!! I can one up that, although not my own experience. One summer my sister and her husband and twin boys were walking into a “park” that is along the bluffs of a lake near us. This is less a park and more just a transition from the parking lot down to the water’s edge. Other than mow the grass, there is very little maintenance, including spraying for any bees. Well, they’re walking toward the water and my sister feels something in her shirt and quickly realizes it’s a bee!! Without even thinking about who might be around, she whipped her shirt right off and shook it out, only to realize they weren’t the only visitors to the place!!!! But at least she didn’t get stung!

  • Oh, to find laughter in cockroaches. You are a rare jewel, you are!