Murdered GPS, Found in ditch

This morning I set out for an appointment, which we”ll just affectionately call the Annual Scraping of the Cervix.

The only positive about this outing, was that I really couldn’t bring the children. As educational as it might have been, the therapy that would follow is simply too high of a price to pay.

And without the children in tow, I looked forward to a nice long drive. Alone. I knew the solitude would do me a world of good.

Only I wasn’t alone.

My appointment was in a part of town in which I almost always lose my way. Since it’s just once a year and all.

It doesn’t matter that all 3 of the doctors who delivered my 3 children all have offices on this particular street. And that in the last 10 years, I’ve been there at least 135 times. Per child. Give or take.

I still lose my way.

So, Fiddledaddy lent me his GPS.

You know, that technological gadget that is all powerful and all knowing. Like a big eye in the sky, it watches and knows where you are at all times. And more importantly, where you are going.

Kind of creeps me out.

I slowly typed in my destination and then stuck the thing in its holder on the windshield. And then SHE began barking out orders to me. Without even giving me time to pull out my sunglasses.

“In point three miles, you will make a left on Familiar Street. MAKE A LEFT…”

This is my neighborhood, lady, I know where I am.

Frankly, I thought she was a little testy.

Here’s a little trivia about me: I don’ like to be told what to do.

Then, I took a street that wasn’t on her pre-approved route. “RECALCULATING. RECALCULATING,” she hollered at me.

As though I were a petty annoyance to her delicate sensibilities.

Made me want to pull into the nearest parking lot and do a few doughnuts. Let her FREAK OUT.

But I was running a tad late. As was evidenced by the flashing digital clock on her display screen indicating my approximate arrival time.

Pity.

Then there was one nice long stretch of highway that allowed me to enjoy a little solitude. I was deep in thought, listening to The Glen Beck Program, when with no warning whatsoever, she bellows “IN POINT 6 MILES YOU WILL TURN RIGHT.”

Which resulted in my nearly wrecking the car.

The least she could have done would be to clear her throat first.

If you are thinking to yourself, “Man, this blogger is wound tighter than a spring,” you would be just scratching the surface.

When my heart stopped palpitating, and I was fairly certain I wasn’t suffering a coronary, I opened the window and threw Ms. GPS out into the oncoming lane of traffic.

In my head.

Fiddledaddy would immediately notice that his girlfriend was missing. She has a MUCH different attitude when he’s driving. As she purrs to him in her velvety voice.

I don’t know what this GPS stands for, really. And frankly I don’t care.

The only thing that comes to my mind is, Get Prozac Soon.

The end.

November 21, 2008

34 Responses to Murdered GPS, Found in ditch

  • LAwsie, lawsie …

    If it isn’t frogs attacking you in the night, it’s gadgets telling what to do, or Jensen dropping trow and yelling about POOP!

    No wonder you have almost killed yourself in the cooking arena so. many. times.

    Woman, you need to come out here and get some therapy.

  • I’ve got that same woman driving me crazy in my own van. And my doctor’s office is on the side of town where–it appears–that all the roads have thrown up. Not ONE time have I done the trip w/o hearing “RECALCULATING” 6-7 (thousand) times.

    Also? Thanks for the howlingly good laugh.

  • At least it was working…I have GPS naviagation on my phone and it freezes up after I get a few miles down the road! DH has it and it works fine for him. At least he always knows where he is at! Me…. I’m just lost-all-the-time!

  • I talk to the snooty lady on mine. Sometimes loudly, with cuss words. “I need to stop for gas! I JUST NEED TO STOP FOR GAS FOR ONE FREAKIN MINUTE!” or “I have to make an emergency stop at Target. YOU CAN STOP RECALCULATING, I JUST HAVE TO GET OFF AT THIS EXIT FOR ONE TINY SECOND AND GET SOME FREAKIN’ DRY PANTS FOR THE KID!”

    I find it perversely therapeutic, actually.

  • LOL! I just blogged about our new GPS that we got last week. I am *so* with you about being scared out of your mind when Madge (that’s what we call ours) finally speaks after miles of keeping quiet.

    I’m so glad you didn’t *really* wreck.

    (PS – I found your blog through Susan’s Top 10 Blog List)

  • We had a similar experience on a long drive last night. His GPS was telling us the wrong way to get out of our neighborhood, and then scolded us as we stopped at Starbucks, and then when we veered off her route, told us to “make a U-turn, if possible”. I commented that this GPS chick wasn’t too smart, he then quipped, “Why do you think I namd her Amanda”. I then WOULD have thrown said GPS out the window , but it’s built-in.

  • Don’t know if you remember the SNL episode with Jane Curtain and Dan Ackroyd…the line “Jane you ignorant *&)^%”….so we affectionately named our GPS lady Jane….

  • I’ve been on the phone with a friend of mine while he had his GPS on. “MAKE A U-TURN, MAKE A U-TURN, MAKE A U-TURN!!”

    My only suggestion is to name it. My sister’s family named theirs Karen. After a Karen on Spongebob I think? It makes it a little more interesting. “Karen was having a fit. Karen really steered us wrong. Karen told us just where to go.”

  • LOL…I so agree with you about the mighty GPS! The voices on those things makes me nuts! I also make my husband turn the volume down when I’m in the car with him or it just might go flying out the window. 😉

  • LOL – You could do what I did and shock your husband by changing the voice to that of an English chap. If you have a Garmin like mine you go to:

    Tools > Settings > Language > Voice

    I find it much more soothing to hear that lovely accent. It even sounds more polite to my twisted mind. Apparently, your not the only one that needs therapy.

  • Our GPS is named Jason. And I talk right back to him…I’m usually not very nice.

  • At least with the GPS, you don’t have to fold maps anymore.

  • Oh, the condescending manner in which she utters the word “Recalculating” makes just me want to reach over and slap her one right in her shiny, digital buttons.

  • My FIL used his GPS everywhere we went the last time we visited and the constant reminders and warnings from that thing drove me bonkers. It was too much, kept interrupting conversations or my self-distracting train of thought and THEN I’d have to attempt to explain to Princess where that voice was coming from again.

  • Oooooo, I love my GPS – the best present my husband ever gave me – I’ve had it almost a year!!

    I call her GyPSy… and I do use a womans voice because I’ve never known a man who knew where he was going anyway… and the one I tried out sounded like he was reading a book – so much for him.

    I have a TomTom and she doesn’t give me that snotty ‘recalculating’ statement when I go off route or stop along the way… she just quietly re-figures the route and gives me the new information. I will ‘hush’ her (turn her volume down) if I know I’m going to be ignoring her for awhile – but otherwise I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her.

    Last winter we moved to PA and were soon to start the house hunting process… a job I could not have done without my GyPSy… as we were looking at houses all over 2 counties.

    Although I’ve always been good with Maps and love to travel… GyPSy just makes it easier… did I say I LOVE her… I do… I really really do!

  • I love, love, love my husband’s GPS (Garmin); it can get you anywhere. Part of the fun, though, is not following its directions and making it say, “Recalculating!” LOL Makes me feel like a bit of a rebel, but sometimes I am amazed at the decisions it makes for getting some places, like taking a tiny side road, because it might be .1 miles quicker, rather than a main road??? What’s up with that? Anyhow, for real fun, you know that you can mess with the voice, right? You can give it different accents (British, Australian), or different genders (maybe the man would be more velvety sounding with you?), or for real fun (and good practice), you can switch it to Spanish. Can you tell we’ve had alot of fun with our Garmin already?? LOL! Next, we’re going to have to use that baby for geocaching; fun! The only thing that makes me sigh with it, is when I look up our favorites, and see that St. Augustine beach, where we took it this spring, is over 1000 miles away. I am so ready to head south right now with all this white stuff we’ve been getting. Ok, I’m babbling now! Enjoy that GPS, and good for you for not avoiding the scraping of the cervix, and I am known to do!

  • That was HYSTERICAL!! We borrowed one of those from my husband’s company for a trip to Arkansas and by the time we got to our destination he was yelling back at her. Some of those interstate exits that are under construction, or just weird, seem to really freak her out. You described it perfectly.

  • An added note, you have to be careful on those things when you make a long trip to an unfamiliar destination. Hubby and a business associate took a trip to Cleveland and keyed in their information and they got there through the shortest route – straight through the shadiest part of town where at one point they ran a red light to keep from stopping at the street corner.

  • Glad to know we’re not alone. I gave my wife a GPS that we’ve named Wilma.

    She gets very testy when you ignore her advice. But she gives you the silent treatment while recalculating, and then after that starts delivering directions in retrospect, telling you to turn after you’ve already passed the intersection.

    By this point Wilma has gone totally insane, and has lately been sending my wife off in completely wrong directions.

    My wife has since developed a good sense of navigation on her own. Or she just calls me when she’s lost.

  • Too funny!

    I have an idea for you!

    I heard you can download different voices into your GPS system.

    So, the next time your husband lets you borrow it, I challenge you to download, say… Brad Pitt or maybe even a little James Earl Jones.

    Boy, will your husband be in for a surprise!

  • D2 Next time go to the old standby – a paper map – have a Happy Thanksgiving

  • Happy to be back, I call my “annual” my “vacation”! because it is the only time I am alone, no one wants to be with me and usually NO ONE will dare ask “how long will this take you? will you be home to cook dinner?”
    Last time, the receptionist apologized because the doctor was running late and I said “puh-leazzzzze, don’t apologize, I will just sit here and (read my book, pay my bills, listen to the muzak, read a trashy magazine) you know what I’m saying.
    Ahhhh, looking forward to it already.
    ps. Don’t have GPS. 4 right turns and I’ve driven through my tiny country town.

  • She does get a bit testy. We’ve had new highway ramp work and it looks like we’ve gone in a ditch. This totally messes with her bossy little mind. She almost stuttered. And for some reason that makes me happy.

    Go for the doughnuts it would so be worth it.

  • HAHA My parents got one and took it on a trip with them and my dad did go do donuts in a parking lot to screw with it. He was cracking me up talking about it freaking out on him. It is rather frighting when it suddenly talks after a stretch of quiet!

  • Good Morning!

    Just a reminder from Heather (@ Swallowing A Moose) of the Giving Thanks @ Thanksgiving Bloggers Event starting tomorrow, Sunday. The dedicated site found at http://www.themouthbehindthemoose.blogspot.com and is ready for those of you who are participating to link up. In case you haven’t heard many of us are dedicating a post on our own blogs of our testimonies as a way of ‘Giving Thanks’ to the Lord for His work in our lives. If you missed the 1st invite just head over to the site and the instructions for how to participate are below the top post. Hope to see your testimony there!

    Blessings,
    Heather Twitchell
    Host of Giving Thanks @ Thanksgiving

  • So funny!! I hate those things. They freak me out too. I would rather just google directions at home and read them for myself. Or get lost and enjoy the solitude. 🙂

  • ROFL! That was so funny…and I have to say that I use my GPS to go EVERYWHERE. I seriously can get to about 7 places w/o it. The rest of the time I’m programming it in.

  • I’ve named my GPS (on my phone) Hal. I know it’s a woman, but those things remind me of Hal from that freaky movie where the computer talks and can read lips. Then the poor guy has to shut it down . . . “Bob. Bob. What are you doing, Bob? . . .” FREAK-Y!

  • I regularly feel the same way about my GPS, and this is MY GPS, not one one belonging to my my hubby. How sad! The worst is every single time I leave home she tries to tell me to go a route that makes NO sense because it involves taking a left onto a busy road. If I’m quick, I can get past that first ‘wrong’ turnoff before she locates the satellites and tells me she is recalculating. Now one of the other problems is that I’m seemingly incapable of learning how to get to any new place that she guided me to. I could go a new place using a map and after two times I’d have it memorized, but suddenly she has induced dependence on me… it’s a conspiracy to get me to upgrade my maps no doubt ;-]

  • wow you had me laughing out loud reading this, so much so I had to share it with my husband.

    I never knew GPS yelled at you! haha that’s so funny!

  • FiddleDeeDee at her finest!

  • Ours is Carmen (the Garmin); she gets very frustrated with me because I don’t always like to follow directions and often change mind my mind enroute and go an extra place. I think I may have put her over the edge because lately she drifts off the road and thinks she is indoors in the middle of a trip.

  • Heh … I have that same annoying lady in my car. Like you said, she is pretty much scolding you for making her ‘recalculate’ … by the way, she can be wrong occasionally too!