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Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

I’m certain that when God gave me my boy, He was simply exercising His sense of humor.

And what a sense of humor He has.

Last night, I was setting the table for dinner. I placed 3 lonely baby carrots on Jensen’s Lightning McQueen plate. He wandered by his chair, and shot his plate a sideways glance as he stated, “Mommy, those are for wabbits, they are NOT for me.”

Usually, I puree any vegetables I might want to sneak into an unsuspecting Jensen. I can hide them in pancakes and muffins, for example. But on occasion, I throw caution to the wind, and just slap a real live whole vegetable on his plate.

Just to watch him freak out.

Because, hello? Entertainment value.

He then carried the 3 rejected baby carrots to me in the kitchen. I instructed him to go put them back on his plate. He placed them on the kitchen table and pushed them as far from his plate and he could reach.

During dinner, I noticed that the 3 carrots traveled around the table a bit, and then disappeared. I’m sure they ended up inside of a sister. A sister who wasn’t born vegetable phobic.

And because I’m all about letting it all hang out, there was another episode at the library. I thought I should report that. Last week I was standing at the circulation desk, willing the librarian to hurry it up, so that I could escape before incident.

At that moment I heard Cailey call attention to the area directly behind me, with a loud, “JENSEN!” I turned to see Jensen stick both hands down his pants. I knew in another 2.5 seconds, he would be naked from the waist down.

I dove 10 feet across the floor to tackle him before he would be cited for indecent exposure. Luckily, I got to him before he showed no more than your garden variety plumber might show during a housecall.

But then, today was Emme’s birthday. My baby is 9. And to celebrate, she had a few good girlfriends over for girl fun and frivolity.

At one point, I heard loud shrieking. Which, ordinarily, wouldn’t have alarmed me. Because girls are wont to shriek when clumped together. But, this was a more urgent sounding shriek. And I may have detected fear.

I turned the corner to find Jensen standing in front of this innocent gaggle of girls. Naked from the waist down.

These are girls who don’t have the benefit of a brother, so as I scooped him up, I apologized to the girls for their burned retinas and future therapy.

But really. It isn’t a party until Jensen has dropped trow.

I may be looking into suspenders for him. Or staples.

And as long as the medicine cabinet is well stocked with Excedrin, I’ll continue to report on the antics of a small boy named Jensen. Because it’s way better to laugh, than say, lay on the floor with tears in my ears.

Just sayin’.

23 Responses to Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

  • Jensen will be 16 one day and it will be a delightful time to remind him of all these things. It’s a good thing you’re documenting all of it:)

  • “Oh those? Those are not carrots, they are orange twiglets from Jupiter. ”

    Parents of vegie-phobes should all be familiar with “I will not ever, never eat a tomato” by Lauren Child. Just in case you haven’t come across it before…

  • When you mentioned his hands in his drawers I was picturing things MUCH worse than a little show. What I had in mind would require clorox wipes. 😉

  • My youngest child, Adam (5) adores his older sister’s girl friends…I didn’t realize how much until they mentioned to me that Adam likes to sneak up on them and pat their rear ends.

    He also came up with a plot to appropriate his older brother’s girlfriend, on whom he has a big crush, for himself – he figured out that if he had a girlfriend of his own, the two of them could swap and he’d end up with Jocelyn. At last count, he had acquired a harem of 6 “girlfriends” in his kindergarten class…I’m just know he thinks that Steven can find ONE of them to be satisfied with as a trade.

  • Oh, I’m so with you on wanting to ball up in a corner and cry. someday we’ll look back on this and laugh, but I would be much happier about that notion if someone could give me an actual END DATE to look forward to!

  • Oh, no, there is no entertainment value in tears in the ears.

    Our oldest (seven) likes to drop trow now and again, though usually only at home. Visitors notwithstanding.

  • Boys are indeed a wonder. Thanks for the laugh.

  • He does sound like the life of the party. LOL. Perhaps if you bought him a really long lampshade to wear, it might cover the…ummmm…”view.”

    If it is any consolation for the first several years of one of my son’s lives, any photo of him showed him…ahhhhh… “checking his accessories.” No matter how hard we tried we could never get the camera to flash before he could get his hand in motion.

    And veggies…well I have one that still eats daily by whim. He liked it yesterday? Poison today. Asked for it in the grocery store? No, not him. He’s making me a bit twitchy.

  • If it makes you feel better…or worries you more…my baby brother did the same thing to me. For years and years and years. Except, as he got older, and from about 8 to…well now…he likes to just show us his bum.

    I love that he likes to show us the full moon.

  • lmao – when my son was younger, I’d put onesies on him and snap the onesie OVER his pants, to avoid him pulling them off. Now, one, he’d totally figure out how to unsnap them in seconds and two, it’d look way way lamer on my nearly 3 year old. He’s practically a teenager, you know. 😛

  • Entertainment to the max. I can’t wait for kids!


  • OmGosh..that is funny…makes me so glad I have a daughter…seems I remember my nephews doing that type of thing!!! hahaha

  • I remember when I was little my mom would tell me about the antics of her employer’s little boy to illustrate how spoiled he was. The culmination of those stories was always how he once climbed up on a closet, pulled down his pants and showed his sisters how good he was at peeing (in the playroom!).
    As a five-year old girl I was properly shocked by this. Now I am the mother of two small boys myself and I have to say maybe it wasn’t just that he was horribly spoiled. Boys will come up with the strangest, most embarassing ideas!

  • Oh, that is so funny. At a camp where we used to work, one of the staff families had a 3-year-old boy who loved to run around the whole CAMP naked.

    We had a special radio distress call for this… the “Running Bare Alert”. 🙂

  • it is just a boy thing. my oldest just strips to underwear on a continual basis but the 4 y.o….the one i am sure is jensens twin from another life,
    i am continually catching him pantless…or very nearly so….or just with accessories uncovered and being used…
    and when i say continually…i mean in the church parking lot, in the wal mart parking lot, on the tailgate of daddy’s truck, at mc donalds, on the playground, at the soccer fields….
    you name it i have been there trying to cover my face and approach from behind so as not to be hit and scoop naked boy up before he scars some lil girls eyes…

  • NOOOOooooo!! They still get naked at 3? Do they make onesies for 3-year-olds? My 2-year-old is living in onesies because he keeps taking off his clothes and making puddles in the floor! I dread the day he figures out the snaps.

  • I’m pregnant with our second child – I’ve never caught myself wishing so passionately that it’s another girl!!!

    Of course the boost to my sense of humor would be good… I guess…

  • You either laugh or cry. Go with laughing. Trust me you will be able to get him back when he’s older and you start down memory lane. So worth it to watch them squirm.

  • Absolutely perfect timing…for me anyway…I was feeling a bit down. And you nipped that in the bud right quick-like!

    Sorry…I’m feeling a little “hickish” now. 🙂

    Seriously though, I sat here and laughed myself silly!

  • This was so funny. Thanks for the laugh!!

  • I have not been around for a while on the blogosphere, but this was the perfect post to come back to! As someone who is expecting a boy in a couple of months, it is good to know what I have to look forward to! Thanks for the laughs!

  • I have two boys, no girls, so it’s all snails for me! The tears of laughter are infinitely better than the other kind…

    I know it’s presumptuous, but I’ve been a fan for a little while now, though a silent one. I went ahead and tagged you on my own blog, http://www.diapersanddragons.blogspot.com

    I know you’ve probably already done this one, and you probably get tagged too often, but I couldn’t resist…

  • Ah….boys. I decided God has quite the sense of humor when we sent 3 boys my way (4 if you count my husband).

    If it makes you feel any better, my middle one (age 5) actually told my best friend she had to leave our house because he needed “nekkid time.” Then there was the time he walked into the room completely naked….in front of our realtor. I’m so proud.

    Amanda 🙂