Grill Master

I’m in charge of all the cooking in the House of Fiddle. It’s a big responsibility. The keeping of everyone alive, and all.

I have a grill that I use with frequency. Because I’m from the south, where grilling is a way of life. And since the grill keeps me from heating up the kitchen to a balmy 116 degrees, I’m a fan of the grill.

I have a certain way that I grill. My own little technique. And for the last 8 years, since I took over all the cooking duties, it has worked well for me.

Until last week.

I was on the phone chatting with my dad. The same dad that still grills a mean Brisket. I’ve never been able to match his grilling prowess. So, with the cordless phone cradled between my shoulder and ear, I walked onto the back porch to heat the grill, in preparation for the nights chicken fest.

I whipped off the grill cover.

As an aside, the act of whipping off the grill cover use to fall on Fiddledaddy, after the unhappy discovery of a family of rats living beneath. Then, when a snake moved into the grill, I relocated the grill to the inside of the screened porch.

So, the screaming is minimized.

While the lid was still closed, I turned on the propane, and turned the knobs to HIGH, while flipping the auto switch to light the grill.

The auto switch has long since worn out, but I keep forgetting that factoid, and neglected to bring out the flame thrower with me.

The flame thrower is that handy long skinny Bic you find in the checkout aisle of Wal Mart.

So, I went inside to retrieve it.

Keeping in mind, the grill is on, and the lid is closed.

This is where you might begin to shake your head and wonder in amazement how I made it this far in my life, and wonder also why God saw fit to entrust me with children.

And you wouldn’t be alone.

While still making small talk with my dad, I went back out to the porch, and attempted to light the flame thrower. It took a minute or two, but I managed a flicker. Which I then stuck into the little hole where one might manually light a gas grill.

From the front room of the house, Fiddledaddy heard a loud explosion, and saw a bright flash of light.

From the front of the house.

I was on the backporch.

He came running, to find me sitting on by backside, still talking to my dad.

Only I was calmly saying, “Um dad, I need to go. I just blew the grill up and I’m kind of shocked I’m not on fire.”

A bit dazed, I hung up. Evidently, the force of the blast had knocked me backwards.

I was then able to listen quietly to a rather freaked out Fiddledaddy walk over to the grill and READ THE DIRECTIONS OUT LOUD TO ME AND ANY NEIGHBOR WITHIN 100 YARDS. SEVERAL TIMES IN CASE I WAS HEARING IMPAIRED.

Directions? There are directions on that thing? Evidently, the grill cover is to remain open during the lighting of said grill. Who knew.

I dusted the soot from my shoulders, and continued with the grilling. Get back on the horse, and all that rot.

And all the while, I was offering up a prayer of thanks to God for saving me from my own stupidity. It wasn’t the first time, and hopefully won’t be the last.

A bit later, over a delicious chicken dinner, Fiddledaddy looked at me and said, “What’s with your hair?”

I really could benefit from a mirror now and again.

I reached up and felt the left side of my bangs. It seems that I flash fried my hair. It had melted from the heat of the grill explosion.

Well. So I perfect the comb-over. It coulda’ been worse.

My new grilling cookbook will be out early next year. And it includes a fire extinguisher to the first 50 people to pre-order. Oh. And a hat.

September 30, 2008

30 Responses to Grill Master

  • Oh. My. Goodness!

    I’m a charcoal kinda gal myself. Which is a really good thing, as otherwise, I may have written such a story about myself more than once!

  • I’m glad you’re okay…this is why the George Foreman Grill is my friend. 🙂

  • THAT is priceless, and sadly, sounds like something I would do if left unsupervised with our grill. I just learned this weekend that if you form a half an onion and then dip it in oil it makes the perfect tool for greasin’ up the grill to keep foods from sticking! Coolio, huh?

    Good luck with the comb-over. Now onto that hat, would it be a hard hat? I’ll take mine in pink, thank you. :o)

  • I too grill all that needs grilling at our abode- including shovelling a path in the snow on New Year’s Eve to cook steak…but I digress. Our grill died- a week ago I turned it on to preheat. After a stop in the kitchen for the meat and accessories, I returned, only to find flames licking up from the underbelly of the beast and trying the knobs to find them melted in the heat…all the while my 7 and 9 y/o girls are sitting not a foot away playing as if nothing was wrong….people!!!! Good thing we have a super Walmart not minutes from our house- here’s hoping there is still a season’ end grill on sale….

  • Hee. Glad you’re okay.

  • If I tried to use a grill I would probably need more than a Fire Extinguisher and a hat. Maybe a hose and POSSIBLY the fire department!

  • Oh my gosh – I am so glad you are okay. You write with way more calmness than I am feeling right now =)

  • Thank God you are okay….maybe a fireproof suit would be a good Christmas present?????

  • Thanks for the laugh this morning! I needed it!!

  • I’m glad you are ok. But the way you told it, is, I’m sorry, hilarious. I couldn’t help laughing. Forgive me ’cause I’m still smiling. 🙂

  • You are hysterical! Of course, I want a picture.

    So glad you are okay.

    ~Luke

  • OK, first I am sending up prayers of praise that God spared you, your family and your home. 🙂

    I am trying so hard not to laugh, because the way you wrote is so “Erma Bombeck.” 🙂

    Seriously, I am glad you are okay. And, we would like a picture of the hair. 😉

  • That was hi-LAR-ious. I especially love how Fiddledaddy found you sitting on your rear, “still talking to my dad”. Awesome. That would be me too.

    I’m not allowed near fire – even the fireplace. Me and the flue have a contentious relationship. I ignore it, and it spitefully fills the house with smoke.

    I’m still giggling at your story.

  • So glad that you are OK! Can I see your hair (:

  • Please be more careful. We want you around for a long time. I am so glad you are okay. I love that God protects us from ourselves! Boy, do I need that.

    I had a mini episode similar to yours. Not nearly so explosive. I guess my husband is used to it because when I screamed he stayed in the house watching TV. Nice.
    He has bad memories of the grill lid and the vinyl siding fused together when I forgot to move the grill away from the house. You can’t easily fix that evidence. Oops.

  • Glad you are OK but that really is funny. It totally sounds like something I would do.

  • You poor thing! This sounds like something I would do – so you’re in good company 🙂

    And just think – maybe you’ll start a new fashion trend with your “hot” new ‘do 😉

  • Seriously, I don’t know of many people who could turn blowing up their house until a funny post…

    I’m glad you’re O.K.!

  • Hair-larious. Did anyone else say that yet? Anyway, glad you are alive. You should just stick to blogging. Let them eat cake.

  • I knew you were smoking hot, DeeDee, but really, you don’t have to prove it!

    (Glad you’re okay and that the house didn’t go up in smoke. I say that Fiddledaddy should just take you out to eat from hear on out. Safety issue and all.)

  • Oh! my! goodness! I am glad you are okay.

    Hilarious though.

  • Are you SURE we are not twins separated at birth?

    (Of course, you’re the skinnier, pretty one and I hate you for it).

    Ahem.

    Fire. Bad.

    Frpgs. Bad.

    Do you see the pattern here?

    Stay away from anything starting with the letter “F”.

    You’re welcome.

  • I’m really and truly so glad you’re ok…and laughing my butt off because you’re ok! Does that make sense? 😀

  • Oh my word! If there is even a chance at finding a snake in there then by all means blow it up!
    I hear grilled snake makes a fine meal – let’s see if Jenson has an allergy to THAT meat. 🙂
    Ugh – that made me gag just thinking about it.

  • LOL. I’m so glad you are ok. Your poor hair. Note to self. . . Don’t let Mrs. Fiddle grill out at our house. (j/k)

  • Thanks for the giggle this morning!

  • I am so glad you are OK or else I would feel terrible for ROTFL!!

    Do you still have eyebrows?

  • Laughing so hard must keep comment short as need to now use restroom.

    You are amazing.

    I constantly refer to your writing.

    Geezz, your gifted.

    Ok, now really must go potty.

  • Hilarious! I don’t go near the grill since my husband successfully singed all of the hair off of his arm..oh, and eyebrows.

  • Oh my word! I stay far, far away from the grill! My husband refuses to have a gas grill, so that won’t happen here anyway. But I cannot, CANNOT, light a charcoal grill.
    I bow to the master griller at my house.