If you were to play a game of Monopoly with me, I would insist on the banker’s role. I love dealing with money. One of my first real jobs was working in a department store. I was quickly moved to the office, because my employer realized I was lousy at sales. But a whiz with the cash register. My register ALWAYS balanced at the end of the long day. And the bills were neatly arranged facing the same way. By serial number.
Kidding about the serial number. But the bills? Everyone knows that they should lay face up, heads to the right.
I was a joy to work with.
I don’t know exactly when this anomaly/obsession first occurred. Perhaps right after I got my first checking account at the age of 15. For all my baby sitting booty. My check registers have always been a work of art. I’ve never bounced a check.
Not bragging. Just stating the facts.
Of course, as a struggling actress for most of my adult life, it wasn’t difficult to keep up with $10.56.
I don’t know exactly why I didn’t go into accounting. Or banking. Which would have suited the anal/retentive part of me very well. But the artsy fartsy side of me won out. And I was a flat broke artist who could manage her two digit income very well.
I get to play the banker in our home. Fiddledaddy works hard to make the money. And I get to arrange it in numerical order. While dining on BonBons. It’s a system that I like very much.
It is because of this, that I do the majority of the banking here in the House of Fiddle. And I will tell you, that years ago, when ATMs first appeared outside of banks, I didn’t trust them. I preferred to hand over my hard earned $1.50 to a real live human being.
Eventually, after moving to Los Angeles, where you never hardly ever want to leave your car, the ATM became my friend. Yet I had trust issues. Which I eventually resolved.
And now, I stand at a crossroads. The bank that I have been frequenting for many years, (we’ll call if Fred’s Bank for fun), has upgraded the old trusty ATM with a new and improved model.
Instead of having the ability to simply shove an envelope full of checks into the slot, and receive a trusty receipt in record time, the New ATM requires that I submit each check individually, for its approval.
It will then make a copy of that check, and subsequent checks, and spit out a receipt with copies of the checks recorded therein.
To good to be true? You mean, you don’t have to have your deposit readied BEFORE you drive up?
Not so fast, banking fans.
New & Improved ATMs at Fred’s Bank & Trust will often times spit your meager check out in disgust. And should the wind happen to catch said check in just the right way, you will find yourself on your belly, underneath the carriage of your van frantically grabbing at your wayward check. While ATM laughs maniacally. Asking if you’d like to redeposit the check. SO IT CAN SPIT IT OUT IN YOUR FACE AGAIN.
And ATM doesn’t care if you’re wearing a dress, either. Just sayin’.
So, I’ve begun avoiding ATM altogether. In protest. I only go to Fred’s Bank when there is a real live teller in the Drive-thru window. A real live teller who will offer me a nice piece of candy when I’ve finished my banking transaction.
Drive-thrus. Now there’s something I have a good deal of experience with. The teller chuckles good naturedly when my children attempt to order fries with a deposit.
Today, I just missed human teller with the big hair, and had to deal with ATM. Unhappily, I had 7 checks to deposit. Three of which ATM wanted nothing to do with.
The transaction took a good 20 minutes. And I had a good long line of angry drivers behind me. I did what I could, before I began ranting at the BAD BAD NAUGHTY ATM. Then drove away. With nary a shred of dignity. My deposit unfinished. And no piece of candy for my troubles.
Perhaps I should install a cuss jar on my dash. Right next to the CD player with my Christian music.
Tomorrow, I will pen the President of Fred’s Bank a tersely worded letter. In Braille. Because, it seems that’s the only language that ATM understands. Because there are actual instructions, in Braille, posted on the front of New & Improved ATM.
For blind drivers, I suppose. We don’t want to offend anyone, you know. For the sake of political correctness, and all that rot.
I just want to know, is Fred’s Bank here in Mildew, Florida the only bank involved in this hideous ATM practice? Or is it a nationwide epidemic?
Thank you for allowing me to vent.