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Stuck in Folsom Prison

We live in the land of baby gates. Small wooden gates, large wooden gates, tall metal gates with latches, you name the gating system, we are either using it, or have used it and threw it away in disgust.

Because we house an inmate. My last and final child is a climber slash escape artist who can and will dismantle an entire dishwasher, if allowed in the kitchen.

And then there’s the shiny, sharp carving knives.

I shudder at that near miss horror trip to the emergency room slash police station.

Now that the little booger has entered his terrible 3’s, he is learning how to get around the baby gates. He doesn’t just open them. Oh no. That would be child’s play. He takes the entire thing apart. And leaves it in a heap on the floor. As he laughs maniacally, carrying his Blues Clues blanket into the forbidden zone.

And now, oh this is fun, he has figured out how to unlock the doors. The front door, the sliders, you know, the ONLY BARRIER KEEPING HIM FROM SPEEDING CARS WHICH FLY DOWN OUR STREET.

Yesterday, I looked down the hall to catch a glimpse of the back end of Junior and Blues Clues Blanket exiting the front door. Odd, I thought. Well, maybe he’s going outside with Fiddledaddy.

Except that just then I heard Fiddledaddy at the other end of the house. I ran out and caught hold of the boy child as he was heading down the sidewalk.

And the adults in the house may or may not have peed their pants just a little.

Today, Fiddledaddy and Junior took a little trip to Lowes. For some hardware. Brackets have been installed, additional locks that I even have to stand on my tippy toes to reach, and there was even a little something for the slider door. A guard dog may have even been mentioned. Except for the fur allergy. And the fact that if I had one more mouth to feed I’d throw myself off of our one story house.

Yes. We have a security system with a high pitched beeping noise that will sound if anyone enters or exits. And it goes very nicely with all the other noises in my head.

And folks, it’s not like I can toss him out in the backyard to play. It isn’t that he can scale the 6 foot fence. Yet. BUT HE’S ALLERGIC TO GRASS, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD.

I console myself by curling up into the fetal position, and repeating, “It’s only a season. It’s only a season.” And I hope and pray that one day this will all just be a distant memory…

And I can look back on my archives and chuckle. FROM THE NUTHOUSE.

I have a favorite faded t-shirt that features a dead stiff cow, laying on its back, hooves to the sky, that says, “Really, I’m fine.”

And never has anything embodied what I’m feeling as well as that thread bare shirt.

I turn it over to y’all. If you were to design a t-shirt, that mirrors what you are going through right now, what would it say?

Have a wonderful weekend! And thank you homeschoolers for your used curriculum sites suggestions! Keep ’em coming.

40 Responses to Stuck in Folsom Prison

  • It would probably have a big ole whale on it because I swear, I can not get anymore huge and pregnant than this. Oh wait. I still have 4 weeks to go. Scratch the comment about not being able to get bigger.

  • That’s precisely why my neighbor fenced her HUGE yard…a 3 yr old escape artist. Guess you could rip out the grass and install astroturf…or maybe a rubberized play surface…there ya go…an outdoor padded room…safe for everyone!

  • uh… a big old heap of tired. or a zombie. or maybe just fog because I think that’s all that’s left of my brain. 🙂

  • How about…somebody save me!!!!!!!!!! Btw, I love your blog and read it every day!

  • I, too, am stuck in maximum security. I find it unacceptable that my babies can get over, under, or otherwise around the gates while I do some kind of ungraceful stumble/hop over them every single time.

    And my shirt would be a picture of a coffee cup followed by an equal sign followed by a picture of a frazzled, borderline homicidal woman with a big red circle and slash through her head.

    Sometimes my one cup of coffee early in the morning is the only thing standing between us and a police record. 🙂

  • A pig with a pink tutu on.

    It would have only one hair on it’s head, and one nerve left.

    It would say “I’m a mother of teens”.

  • Oh, y’all make me laugh! Fiddledaddy is looking into astroturf, btw. I am not kidding.

  • I want, nay, NEED that t-shirt.

    I think the tee-shirt I would get would be of a persons head with that bug eyed, glazed look mums tend to get, and it would say, “I’m Where?”

    I don’t think it would make any sense to anyone else but me.

  • I would have to say a frazzled lady holding a cup of coffee saying “Don’t even ask”

  • Mine would have a picture of a bicycle pump attached to my belly button. Because that is what I feel like is happening to me! Every 5 minutes I am bigger!! And I am only 27 weeks pregnant…I will put in an order for that whale t-shirt soon.

  • Oh my! That was hi-larious. Just what the doctor ordered this morning. I knew that spending the fifteen minutes I should be using to get ready this morning would be better spent reading blogs! 🙂 And these comments…..ladies you are funny. Thanks for helping me wake up with a laugh, ’cause the teenagers in my life are ruining my REM sleep cycle and that makes me cranky.

  • My t-shirt would have the word “nervous” wrapped around a tree. You know, because I’m a nervous wreck. 🙂

  • “My other shirt is clean.”

  • A picture of a frazzled Mom (me) in a tree clinging to a scrawny branch.
    Two children below looking like they are from a lost tribe with spears and war paint.
    The caption:
    “Beware: The Natives are Restless”.
    maybe I have seen that on Far Side card before, either way, it is how I feel about entertaining them right now!

  • Oh, my t-shirt would have stacks of paperwork on one side, stacks of dishes and laundry on the other, and my kid in the middle ready to knock them both over. I’ll be on the back of the shirt screaming.

  • When my daughter was 2-3 she developed an amusing fear to a small toy turtle…you know the kind that squirt water in the bath. Anyway, being the creative parents we are, we would place the turtle on door knobs so that she wouldn’t go near them…worked like a charm. We also did this with a 4ft blowup Kangaroo that she was terrified of for a while. It sat in the hallway and acted as a baby gate. So, maybe you can find some object that scares him, and stratigically place it in the house…then start saving for the therapy bills he’ll need later 🙂

  • “President of Fiddledeedee Fan Club”

  • And the “i” would be dotted with a heart.

  • my husband made our gates, they were sheets of wood and slotted between runners he screwed to the door frames, he even made one that wedged in the sliding doors. It was great for keeping the two toddlers in , I just needed l..ong legs to climb over them myself.

  • At least Jenson is only escaping from rooms in YOUR house. When my oldest was in the “Older Toddlers” class in Sunday School he used his height and highly developed fine motor skills to open the half door and “set the captives free.” Ryan led a procession of toddlers down the hall and past the check-in desk. They were almost to the entrance of the children’s department when the “guards” realized that there wasn’t a teacher with the group (how those teachers missed most of the class escaping is still a mystery). Needless to say, there was a deadbolt lock installed the next Sunday!

  • My t-shirt would say:
    “Abolish Stupidity.
    Can I get a volunteer?”

    ‘Lest you think I’ve left myself out of this analysis, on the back it would say,

    “I’ll go first.”

    I think we’d all be happier.

  • Don’t feel alone… I finally gave up on gates and alone time. =)

    What my shirt would say??

    It would have a list of everything I do as a mother and a military wife (with a few private moment exemptions, haha), all jumbled together in different sizes and colors.
    Then in big black letters across the front say “What can I do for YOU?”

    Yes, it sounds cruel, but I am tired of people saying I have no job or my in-laws thinking I am a bad wife and mother. If only they knew what I have to do every day….

  • Where am I going and why am I in this Handbasket!?!?!?!?

  • I have my perfect t-shirt. I found it early in the summer at a garage sale for a quarter. 🙂 It was already well worn and I’m not sure how much more use I’ll get out of it, but it’s pink with a purple monkey head on it. The caption reads, “Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it!” Love that shirt. I have another one that I wear strategically that says, “I need a break”. My sister bought all 4 of us t-shirts at TJ Maxx that totally fit our stages. The others said, “I need it all”, “I need to get over it”, and “I need to party” (I think)

  • My husband has a shirt that sums it up pretty well. It says, “I got out of bed for this?”

  • Have you thought about a preschool trampoline? We have one that we can fold up when we’re not using it, and is small and has a safety bar for holding on to (or swinging from) and does WONDERS for energetic little ones who can’t go outside.
    And I like Tasha’s idea for a t-shirt!

  • My T-shirt would have to have a little mouth on it. Ugh – going through a particularly un-fun time with arguing & whining with my almost-five year old…

  • Mine would say “Trying to choose joy…but it’s a hard choice.”
    OR…”motherhood is not for wimps!”

  • I used to have a program that generated random signatures for my email from a list of song lyrics. One of those seems to be whirring through my mind a lot at the moment:

    Time stand still
    I’m not looking back but I want to look around me now
    Time stand still
    See more of the people and the places that surround me now

    I see my life in words rather than pictures, and song lyrics for preference. Makes boring t-shirts! 🙂

  • I heard a great tip the other day. For kids who like to take things apart – go to Goodwill, and buy some cheap things he can take apart. Clocks are especially fun, I’ve heard.

    Maybe that would keep him preoccupied for at least 30 seconds. 🙂

  • Not sure on the t-shirt but my son was the exact same way. We had bracket locks on the top of all our doors; he started pushing stools over underneath and climbing up.

    Thankfully, we’re past that stage.


  • My t-shirt says “I want to weigh what my driver’s license says I do”

  • Dee Dee,
    i havent posted in forever and a day going through my own new trauma…lol
    We found out in May we are having a third… i am praying it is totally unrelated to my two oldest, but considering biology thats doubtful. Anyways…what i did with sliders was to get the shortest shower curtain rod i could find at wal mart the one that expanded from 3-5 feet and i fitted it exactly to the solid door at the tippy top
    it worked like a charm. the kids couldnt figure out how to shorten it any to get it out.

    as for the t shirt…right now my fav one since im pregnant particularly to wear when C and kids are with me is one that says….


  • I already own my t-shirt and wear it at the appropriate times:

    “Cranky but adorable so I am worth it.”

    Don’t know about the adorable part, but the cranky part fits to a “T”

  • “This ain’t your momma’s reality” Maybe with “June Cleaver is the antichrist” on the back.

  • So, the baby just summed it all up.

    “I pooped on your floor!”

    Out of the mouths of babes!

  • I am rolling on the floor laughing at your posts. Thanks for sharing.

    Not sure what my t-shirt would say but it would absolutely have to have a cup of coffee on it…

  • Some days I want the shirt that says, “Who are these children and why are they calling me Mom?”

    There are a few t-shirt sites for moms and one I like says “Whine? No. Wine? Yes.”

  • I second (third?) Tasha’s shirt!

  • My uncle has the perfect tshirt for me..it just says ” I beat anorexia.”