What did he say?

I must first qualify the following post with some vital information, lest you commence to judging me on my parenting prowess.

Ahem.

Long before children, I gave up cursing. Out loud. (Still working on the voices inside of my head, as I have little control over them.) My children do not watch network television, they are homeschooled, which means that we spend A GREAT DEAL OF TIME TOGETHER. Hence, the twitching.

All that to say, to them, the list of known curse words can be condensed to just a few: stupid, butt, fart, and fat. These are words guaranteed to land them in Fiddle Jail.

Not long ago, Cailey went through a little obstinate phase. Well. Truth be told, she came out of the womb with orange brillo pad hair, a fiery temper, and a strong will. She was the most strong willed child I’ve ever seen. Until Jensen, that is.

For a season, anytime she would not get her way, she would stomp her little 6 year old foot, and emphatically announce, “FINE!”

She soon tired of Fiddle Jail Cell #2, and stopped with all the FINE business. Unfortunately, young Jensen picked up that ball and ran with it. When things did not go as he wished, he would stomp his little 3 year old foot and holler, “FINE!” But with a southern accent. I don’t know where a southern accent came from, I’m just guessing he’s channeling my mother.

We had to tell him that FINE was disrespectful, and he needed to change his response to “yes sir, daddy”, or “yes, ma’am, mommy.” He didn’t care for that, so he tried a different tactic. He figured, if he just changed up the word “FINE” with a different consonant on the end, he could continue to let us know he was displeased. And avoid punishment.

So, FINE morphed into FAT. Not crazy about that word, I continued to correct him. So, he altered it yet again. And this time it became FACK. Only, with his newfound southern accent, the short “a”, has evolved into the short “u” sound, and well, you know where this is going.

The first time I heard this come out of my small boy’s mouth, I looked up to see Fiddledaddy peering around the corner with wide eyes.

“What did he say?”

Quickly, we scurried to the front of the house. Away from listening ears.

“Truth. Have you ever said that word around him?”

“NO. Have you?”

“NO!”

Now, I know that should I freak out and let him even think that F*CK is a bad word, it will be the only word he utters for the rest of my natural life. Which is shortening, by the minute.

Calmly, oh so calmly, I firmly tell him how he needs to respond when he doesn’t get his way. And I just begin to think he’s getting it.

Yesterday, I took the children to the nice quiet library. Where everyone speaks in hushed tones, and the birds are singing while all is well with the world.

And it happens.

When I don’t let him relieve the video shelves of all the alphabetized movies, he goes batty and hollers, “FACK, MOMMY. FACK, FACK, FACK.” But remember, we’re leaning heavily on a short “u” sound.

All heads turn. My daughters are both oblivious, because Jensen makes up words all the time. Like FACK.

As quickly as I’ve ever moved, I had all three children, 35 books, 5 DVDs, and one library card at the service desk. I helped the librarian insert the cards into the books, just to speed things along. FACK, FACK, FACK, MOMMY!

If judgmental looks could kill, I would have been vaporized. Right there on the library flooring. I instructed the girls to wheel Jensen out into the lobby and wait for me there. Mercifully, I hauled everything out to my waiting offspring, only to be told by all 3 of them that they needed to pee.

Kill me now, God. Just put me out of my misery.

You know what’s fun? The way the bathroom magnifies sound. FACK FACK FACK, MOMMY!

We haven’t left the house since then. I kid you not. We have everything we need here. Plenty of reading material. Entertainment. The freezer is full.

And if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you may recall the story of when Cailey was about 2. She pronounced “fireworks” by throwing up her little hands into the air and yelling “F*CK UP.” Which was all well and good until our old church showed a video depicting a 4th of July celebration. With fireworks.

I emphasize the term “old” church.

When the reading materials are due, I’ll be utilizing the drop shoot at our “old library.” If we ever leave the house again, that is.

46 Responses to What did he say?

  • When my eldest was about 18 months old, he took to looking down in the car and saying “F***********ck”, long and low and incredulous like. To this day I have no idea what he was trying to say.

    And my godson was very fond of trucks. In fact he believed anything with wheels was a truck. Only he replaced the tr with an f. You knew I was going to say that didn’t you. You also know he felt the need to point out every single wheeled vehicle he saw…

  • Oh. My. Gosh.
    I love you, you know that but I am just dying here! Laughing, that is.

    That is the funniest thing ever. Really.

    Seriously. Some day, you will laugh about this.

    If not, there’s always Witness Protection Programs 🙂

  • bwahahahhaaaaaaaaa

    We had the same problem only with shirt.

  • We are going through this same thing. My four-year-old makes up words all the time, and it can be mortifying. She called some people at the park “nuggers” (they were white – but they quickly got up and left). And the other day she called my husband f*cker. She is just trying to play, but we have had to institute the rule, “No calling people made up names.”

  • Children do keep us humble, don’t they??

  • Oh my goodness. I feel for you, because I have been there. (Didn’t stop me from falling out of the chair laughing though. Sorry.) 😉

    My nephew had a “speech problem” until he was about 5. For awhile just about EVERYTHING he said sounded like a bad word. It was very embarrassing, and we ended up staying home a lot too just to avoid “those judgemental looks”.

  • Oh how I love that I can depend on a dose of humor from your family! But I do offer sympathy….if I could just stop laughing….!

  • Oh my. I think I would’ve died on the spot.

  • Understand totally. But laughed anyway. and I needed to laugh this morning. Thanks

  • oh, I am sorry.

    Well played, ol man,

    But you are seriously running out of places to go. The deli. Church. The library.

    *sigh* Thank the good Lord for the internet.

  • Well. That’s hilarious. What would SuperNanny do? Hummm. Maybe just explain that that word can hurt peoples’ feelings and he shouldn’t use it? It doesn’t hurt your feelings of course, but it can hurt OTHER peoples’ feelings. 🙂

    And when I was 9 1/2 months pregnant with baby number 2 in August I was wearing a sassy little sundress and feeling all that. DS #1 was nearly 3. And in the library of course he pitched a holy hissy fit like you’ve seen I’m sure. I carried him out to my KIA sportage (miss that car). With the wife of my husband’s co-worker behind me. With her four perfect children. And Evan continued to pitch a holy hissy fit. Remember the sundress and huge pregnant belly? Did I mention it was windy that day?

    Put Evan in the backseat of the car kicking and screaming on the floor and drove the mile home.

    I’ve never had the courage to ask co-workers wife if she remembers that day. 🙂

    You’re not alone Mommy. You’re not alone.

    Sorry for hijacking your comment section here!

  • my cousin’s twin boys loved firetrucks, but they could only say “sire*uck”. She stopped taking them to parades the Christmas they stood on the street corner in a HUGE crowd and said “yook, mommy! The Sire*uck! The Sire*uck! They are grown with kids of their own and we still tell that on them at gatherings.

  • Good thing you have the internet to retreat to! That poor old story that brought you such shame, brought your readers such laughter….only because we’ve been there!

    Poor Jensen. Is is he still in fiddle jail? 🙂

  • Kids are so dang embarrassing! Mine doesn’t shout bad words, but she does like to point at people and mention their, ah, differences. Loudly.

  • OMG – that was hilarious. I don’t guess reminding him to use his “inside voice” would have helped.

  • You have the greatest stories! I couldn’t stop laughing. I was drinking coffee when I read it and I had to swallow fast so coffee wasn’t all over. I can’t even imagine what I would do in that situation.

    I love how you are teaching your kids to say “yes sir, daddy”, or “yes, ma’am, mommy.” That’s too cute. Don’t worry, your little one will get it soon.

  • You know that’s why everyone sings in the shower. The acoustics are great in the bathroom.

    I hear that you can go online and order groceries and have them delivered. For when you run out of food. That way you can avoid having to find a “new” grocery store.

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  • I was going to suggest the ordering groceries on line thing, too.
    Just to comiserate…we had a fire truck lover with a complete inability to pronounce the “T” sound…yep, the accustics in the library are phenominal, (Look Mommy a f*ck book!).

  • You poor thing. You got to keep telling yourself that his diction has to get better =) My little guy has picked up from his older brother “what the heck?” every time he is frustrated. Doesn’t sound that terrible coming from a 12 year old, but it sure sounds awful from a 3 year old…. Ugh!

  • I’m am crying I am laughing so hard!

    Literally: Tears down the cheek!

    ! [laughing]

    So, so awesomely horrible.

    Ah children.

    ~Luke

  • ROTFL

    You should have looked up at all of them in the libary and told them that your kid was hooked on phonics, but sometimes it doesn’t work for you.

  • Note to self: Breathe….breathe….okay, now laugh some more….

    This post reminds me to be thankful that Liberty is so slow in learning how to speak! 🙂

  • oh my.

    what a day you had!

    I still am finding it hard to believe a 3 year old can make up such a word!!

    Woweey…that’s scary.

  • My oldest son was three when he had trouble saying dump truck. It always turned out to sound like “dumb c*ck”

    The first time he said it the Calm One and I laughed pretty hard. It was when he said it during a particularly quiet moment in church that made us reevaluate our decision to have children.

  • I’m very sorry for the embarrassment that I am sure you endured, but that is freakin’ hilarious. You never fail to entertain!!

  • Oh my gosh, I just had to pick myself up off the floor from laughing so much. I’m not laughing at you, it’s more like a ‘I am so glad I’m not alone’ laugh. I’ve said that very statement you made over and over again (the kill me now comment) and I do believe one of the times was at the library.

    Thanks for sharing and making me laugh.

    By the way, I don’t think we’ve been back to the library in over a year….lol!

  • ROFL!! I’m so glad I’m not alone LOL! I feel your pain so clearly …

    Btw, we just finished reading a couple of books by Astrid Lindgren about a boy named Emil that kept bringing your Jensen to my mind … if you ever venture out to the library again, you may want to check them out (though you may want to just read them to the older kids … they might give Jensen too many ideas!)

  • Hey Dee Dee!

    Thanks for the laugh this morning! I found your blog not too long ago and think you are hilarious and a wonderful writer! Actually, I got such a kick out of this post that I read it outloud to my hubby– we have two toddlers and can relate! :):)

    Take care!

    Jamie

  • When my daughter was six, we were going out to dinner the night before the first day of school. She and her brother were sitting in the booth across from me and she looks me in the eye and says in her sweet little voice that carries over three football stadiums, “I know a bad word SH*T!” Only being in public waiting for our order spared her.

  • AH! With my little ones it is the word bench – they leave out the ‘n’ sound and for some reason pronounce the ‘e’ to sound like ‘i’. Which is all fine and dandy until they started calling each other objects they spotted at the local wal-mart (for some reason they think this is fun – I think because we play the “if you were a…(fill in the blank with a random animal or object)…how would you act…
    So one was a hanger, the other a trash can and then we passed the bench and it came out bi*ch – I kept saying loudly “pronounce the ‘n’ pronounce the ‘n’ ” to no avail! Your story made me giggle! I love your blog! Sunshine

  • OH MY WORD!!! i literally have tears rolling down my cheeks–too funny!

  • Our son, at age 10 had never heard that word. One night we went to dinner at Fuddruckers. He likes to be silly and mix up words. Guess how he mixed that one up…he liked how it sounded so much that he said it over and over and over…we don’t go there anymore.

  • “our old church”

    hahahahahahahahahahaha!

  • All I have to say is every year we go to Destin, Florida and my now 6 yr old’s favorite place to eat is Fudpucker’s !!!!

  • Yes, Little Hoss had a hard time with ‘Camper’ about a year ago. It came out as ‘Tam-pon’! Everyone thought this was wonderful – especially my brother and he requested this often!!! When we were camping, it was often asked of him, “What is that thing called?”, pointing at the family camper. And he would answer them as if they were completely and utterly stupid. “It’s a ‘tampon’!!!” I’m sure the State Park and our camping neighbors were glad when we pulled out! He still has trouble with the ‘c’ sound! 🙂 Y’all have a great day!

  • I’m laughing so hard I need to excuse myself to the restroom. Oh my goodness. You are a gifted writer. Feel like I am right there. Feels like you’re at my house!

    We just returned from a family vacation with virtually no cell/internet. Am soooo happy to be back to civilization to check in on blogs. Here’s my link to our vacation if interested:

    http://sharingnotes.blogspot.com/search/label/Idaho

    Blessings,
    Roxanne

  • Dee Dee,
    I am writing to let you know this stuck with me so, that I emailed it to many friends and family (the link to this post, that is). Good golly, thanks for the gift of your great writing. I really enjoy your written artistry.
    Blessings,
    Roxanne
    http://www.sharingnotes.blogspot.com

  • No words.

    Just … Jensen.

    That should totally be his motto.

  • When my oldest was 3, all her consonant sounds came out as “f”‘s if they were at the beginning of a word.

    So if we were in a park, she’d say, “Duck, mommy, a duck!”. But that’s not what it sounded like.

    And heaven forbid we should ever see a dumptruck.

    You get the picture…

    Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!

  • I thought I would share my story, although the post is old and I dont know anyone will read it. My daughter was only about 2 when 911 happened. And after all the flags (everywhere) emerged she thought they were so pretty, and would point them out WHEREVER we went. It’s a high f***kin fag mommy. Get it… a High flying flag. She said it everyday, everywhere we went and everywhere we saw a flag! Which was a lot!

  • Oh girl – that is SO FUNNY!!!!! Your kids crack me up.

  • Well! I guess you should have just left well enough alone, huh? “Fine” probably doesn’t seem so bad now! 🙂

    Very, very funny story!

  • DeeDee-Don’t feel so bad. My hubby and I were at a steak place eating with our friends and our kiddies…7 month old, 2 yr old (mine), 3 yr old, and 12 year old (mine). The younger ones were a little out of control because they were tired and wouldn’t sit still. So when we get up to leave, I being the last one to leave the table, a lady stopped me and handed me a card on “How to control and disipline your child the Godly way”. I was stunned!! I felt like the biggest loser parent and that wasn’t even one of their bad scenes in public places!!! Well, to make matters worse my 2 year old told my husband “G*D-it Shut Your Mouth!” Now we don’t use the D*mn word especially with G*d in front of it. I have no idea where she got it….thank goodness it was at home and not in public. That lady would have given me two cards for that one!

  • I love this … I wish I documented what my children said more frequently … here is one for you.

    We have been watching a PBS series we got from Netflix called: Frontier House, the other night as we cleaned up from dinner Rick (my oh so precious and perfect two year old) says: “Are we watching Whore House tonight?”

  • I can’t stop laughing! All of the comments are cracking me up. For the life of me I can’t remember what my first son said but he went through a “phase” like this.

    My youngest is just now starting to talk so I’m sure we will have our moments. he he

  • Just found your blog and I have to admit that I’m laughing now. I’ll throw in a few that my boys have given me to work with.
    The little green train on Thomas. Percy. It certainly didn’t come out that way, more of a rude way of calling a cat.
    Being the southerner that I am I say “britches” instead of pants more then I should I guess. Drop the ‘r’ and there you have the newest favorite of my 18mo old.
    Have a blessed day!