Circle of Life, and all that rot

Our 4th of July celebration was marked by the Pestilence making a return visit. Emme was the first to fall. When her aunt called to check on her, I reported, “She’s making out her will.” Thankfully, I was spared, and could thereby care for my family. I served jell-o, Triaminic, and tissues, all with a smile.

Jensen was especially stricken, and I carried a supply of Puffs just for his tender nose, in my bra strap. And because I’m lightning fast with a tissue, what with them being so handy and all, most of the furniture and siblings were saved from Jensen’s constant nasal secretions.

In fact, during a middle of the night rendezvous, as I was attempting to rock the boy child back to sleep, his hand darted into my pajama top, to no avail. He looked up at me with red, watery eyes, “I need a tiss-you, mama.”

Sure dude.

On the 4th, after being housebound for what felt like 20 years, I ventured out with my girls. The last and only craft store in our area is closing, and we went to pay homage and purchase $21.00 worth of useless crap that we would have never bought had the store not been closing.

What is it about the closing of a beloved store that makes us want to throw money at it? As though it were one last gesture of gratitude for having served us so well. From now on, my craft store needs will have to be met by Wal•Mart. And I am none too happy about that.

Anyhoo. We ended up at the Pet Store. Because I can’t get enough of the begging to buy a pet, mom, ANY PET. EVERYONE HAS A PET, MOM. EXCEPT US.

And since I hardly ever succumb to whining, we bought 5 new fish. On sale. By days end, though, we were down to 4 1/2. And the rest of the tank wasn’t hungry for the Fish Flakes.

That’s all that needs to be said.

But you know, I can’t let it rest there.

In an attempt to avoid all the drama of a fish funeral, for half a fish, I disposed of the remains in the bushes, outside of our front door. So the untimely death would be unnoticed for a day or two. I reasoned that because the size of the remains was rather small, there shouldn’t be a detectable stench.

Besides, no one can smell anything around here anyway. Thanks to the pestilence.

However, I didn’t take into account that the neighbor cat, Road Kill, has heightened olfactory senses. And was inexplicably hanging out around the front of our house. Tonight, I heard a horrible racket on the front porch, and peeked out to see Road Kill catching a Blue Bird. On my front porch. I kid you not, the bird was screaming.

Now, I know the cat needs to eat, and all. But, I’m fond of birds. And I didn’t want to explain a half eaten bird (or fish, for that matter) to my rather high strung children. So, in my pajamas, I began banging on the door as I opened it, hissing, to scare off Road Kill. Yes, I hissed at a cat. The bird managed to escape, and the neighbors now know what I wear to bed. If they hadn’t avoided eye contact with me before, they most certainly will now.

And because I’m not completely heartless, I told Road Kill that there are some very tasty rodents residing on the side of the house. I even offered the use of the grill. We certainly weren’t using it. Bon appetite.

So. How was your 4th of July?

(BTW, everyone is feeling much better. And still, the unexplained fish death, has yet to be discovered. I should have gone into a life of crime. The way I can hide evidence, and all.)

16 Responses to Circle of Life, and all that rot

  • For the chance at a comback about the pets- we don’t have pets either. I am still training our family to pick p after themselves and have no desire to add picking up after a pet to my list of “to do’s”. Or the constant vacuuming should molting occur…here, we are in the bunny relocation program, where Mama rabbits brazenly make their nests in the middle of the lawn…we could ship you a baby rabby….they’re soooooo cute and free!

  • Your assessment of the trip to the pet store is so accurate. We no longer visit that place. It’s fun when the kids are tiny (“Oooh, see kitty!”) but not so much when they are old enough to try their hand at manipulation (“PLEASE, Mom! I’ll clean up ALL its poop! You won’t have to, EVER!”). Meanwhile the kids can’t be relied on to clean up all their own poop, let alone the poop of others.

    Yeah, we stay away.

    Hope your today contains less carnage than the 4th.

  • Oh girl, you make me LOL. I can SO identify with your life — we’re practically twins! Can’t wait to see what July 7 holds for you, and what you’ll have to “report”!! God bless.

  • Road Kill? Seriously? That’s hysterical!
    Here’s to a great week.

  • I hear you with the fish funeral. We have 3 fish in fishy heaven, but the kids only know about 2 of them. We can be so sneaky =) Your post cracked me up and gave me a well needed smile!

  • All you needed was some bottle rockets and you could call it a perfect day.

  • I’d love to say that ours was relaxing, but we spent much time packing and running around buying things for the new house on the 4th of July sales. We are idiots who don’t stop to think about better uses for that money – like a down payment due in less than a week.

    But at least we had some great fireworks!

  • Enjoying the smell TODAY? Although I doubt one little teeny tiny fish can do too much damage!

    Ahem…maybe you should start putting the tissue somewhere else! 🙂

  • I never thought about putting tissue in my bra strap. I have, however, in my younger days, put it in the cups of my bras.

  • Hmmm…is it wrong that when I saw Triaminic and Jello in the same sentence I immediately thought of triaminic jello shooters?

    Anyhow, sorry to hear about your fishy disaster and bird trauma. When it rains it pours at your house, eh?

    Well, I’m just glad you share it all with us.

  • Aw I like cats. But ones that aren’t “Road Kill” or outdoors that is.

    I’m glad you saved the bird, because I love birds. Especially, blue ones!

  • I’m so glad that your family has recovered! And for future reference, “lightening” means “to make light”; the stuff that sizzles in the sky is “lightning” (no “e”). It’s a common mistake!
    This enlightening (“imparting knowledge”) moment is brought to you by your friendly neighborhood copy editor. 🙂

  • I just stumbled over here, and really am enjoying what I found! I’ll be back to read more!

  • Hissing at a cat will work every time. Good job! 1/2 a fish…that’s funny

  • I have hissed at a cat a few times in my life and it really works.

  • This was so enjoyable.Does that make me twisted, in some way, that I took pleasure in your 1/2 a fish funeral, hissing at a cat, bird screaming, pestilence ridden day?
    Yeah, well…