Foot Note

I’m not a frequent flier. But I play one on my blog. The airport experience has undergone many changes in the last 10 years, or so. We all know and understand security changes. But frankly, I was at a loss as to what to expect. Today, as I waited in the long security line, (hoping to appear as housewifey as possible, so that my job as a covert undercover agent would remain undetected), I spent a good deal of time watching other passengers. So, that I could act more “passenger like” and not so much like the hick that I am.

I read up on the whole take your shoes off phenomenon. And I was prepared. The last time I flew, taking your shoes off was a random event. Never happening to me. And thank goodness. If you should ever see my feet, you would understand. My feet also double as rough calloused ugly hands.

I can peel a banana with my feet. If I had to. Just thought you’d like to file that factoid.

I have 8 toe nails, yet possess 10 toes. But, the two pinky toes on each foot have nonexistent nails, and to disguise that fact, they both curve underneath the neighboring toe. Like shy children.

And I have actually cut myself on my calloused heels. A very very long time ago, I wrote a post about using Crisco Vegetable Shortening as a foot cream. Which works just wonderfully, but I’ve been ignoring my feet far too long. Not even the lard can help me now.

This week, in order to prepare for the inevitable public viewing of my feet, I purchased the Ped-Egg. True to its name, it is shaped like an egg, but inside, is a cheese grater that will rid your feet of unwanted calluses, and capture the dead feet droppings inside.

I had never witnessed the dead feet droppings that my feet produced in one small area before. It was enough to keep me from EVER filing my feet wily nily, allowing the sloughed off skin to fall to the floor. Or on my bed sheets.

Which drives my husband INSANE. And rightfully so.

Anyhoo. My feet are now baby smooth. However, I have discovered, that one can go too far and over grate the feet. Leaving them angry and sore.

Leading me therefore to believe that beauty really is skin deep.

I also broke out the nail polish to give my 8 toe nails a coat of Primrose Pink. Primrose Pink is no longer in the Loreal collection, as it was retired about 6 1/2 years ago. Which was the last time I polished my toe nails. To prepare for the birth of Cailey. Like anyone in the delivery room took notice of my feet.

I even added a dollop of paint to the two pinky toes, to give the appearance of an actual nail. It was not unlike attempting to paint in an eyebrow, because of a waxing job gone awry.

If you stood way back and squinted, my feet looked pretty good. When my turn came at the security point, I proudly kicked off my Crocs, and placed them in a bin so they could be x-rayed for contraband.

And I passed inspection.

Looking every bit the hick that I am.

And it occurs to me right now that I’m heading to a conference on how best to fine tune my blogging voice. And hone my writing skills.

And I just wrote an entire post about my feet.

I’d better run, not walk to this conference. If my feet will allow me.

18 Responses to Foot Note

  • you should swipe your credit card with your toes. then you would be footing the bill.

  • It’s good to know that I am not alone in the not-so-pretty-feet department. I might have to give the PedEgg a try (being careful not to overdo it). Now if I could only figure out a way to make my toes appear less stubby… 😉

  • I flew last December for the first time in 9 years. I had NO idea what to do at security, and the guards/workers/whatever they are were no help. I’m sure I looked like even more of a hick than you did (if that’s possible). 🙂

  • I know to well about that pesky pinky toe! I paint mine on too! I once had a 50$ pedicure and the woman used a drill like device to grind the hard callouss off my feet only to leave them totally raw and sore….

  • If the lard can’t help you, then I don’t know what can.

  • I can totally relate to you in the foot department. Unfortunately, I neglect my feet so much they are literally cracked and feel like sand paper. (Which I have considered using to get them smooth) Anyway, I have considered the “ped-egg”, and I may get one after reading your post. I will be careful not to over do it. 😉

    Maybe today will be a “pamper” day. I wonder if I have any Crisco Shortening? 🙂 Have a great conference. 🙂

  • Ok, I’m willing the image of your foot skin on bed sheets out of my mind. You crack me up.

    Steph

  • I keep my feet in pretty good shape with regular pedicures (my kids are grown – you can get pedicures in 20 years when yours are grown – something to look forward to!!) but I did make the mistake of buying one of those razor things to file your feet and, OMG, my feet were so sore!! I’ll have to try the Ped-Egg.

  • Oh, y’all, let me just say that this conference is blessing my socks off. Pun intended.

    I’ll fill you in later. 🙂

  • Okay, I can’t stop laughing. This is hilarious. It was so nice to meet you tonight. And your toes. 😉

  • I’ve thought about buying one of those “eggs”…hmmmm…maybe I should. You are a HOOT!

    Hugs!
    Kat

  • It was good meeting you this weekend. Now I wish I had taken a good look at your feet (although I did get a picture of them in those ridiculously pricey shoes we were trying on)!

  • I did notice the crocs as we were waiting for the van to head for the airport! I thought they were a very smart idea for the removing of the shoes security check!

  • I have been wanting to read a review about this thing. I’ve been so tempted so many times.

    I’m not a pedicure gal, so I think I might give it a try.

  • I use Vick’s vapor rub on my feet at night and then sleep in socks.

    I just had to take off the shoes in the airport a few weeks ago. After seeing all the old men’s feet, I don’t feel so bad about mine.

  • I just bought a PedEgg about a week ago! Lovely little invention! My feet haven’t looked this good in years! I overdid it a little too – not hard to do!

  • Glad you passed the covert agent test! Those feet sound like a great coverup.

  • I myself fell prey to the self-mutilation of heel shaving. Bad scene, man. Now i file them with those heavy duty boards you use on acrylic nails. Ta and da.