Mothers Day Dream

In the days leading up to Mothers Day, I wasn’t in a celebratory mood. It had been a particularly difficult mothering week in the house of Fiddle. Hanging my head in shame, I could not, for the life of me, understand why God had entrusted me with three children to mother. I don’t have to look far to see wonderful, incredible examples of mothering goodness. Women who bask in the glow of motherhood, and revel in the ups and downs of parenting.

Not me.

For the better part of the week, I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position, and bark like a dog until someone saw fit to ply me with prescription medications. Just so I wouldn’t feel like such a loser. It didn’t work, everyone just stepped over me. The barking didn’t even phase them, they’ve been wanting a dog for some time now.

I went to bed Saturday night, not really looking forward to greeting Sunday morning. Mother’s Day. A funny thing happened. I woke up Sunday morning with tears on my pillow. Tears of relief from a dream that I had. I dreamed that I was homeschooling my three children. Which I think at times can be rather nightmarish. But my middle child, Cailey, who had been giving more-than-ordinary-grief all week, wasn’t mine. She belonged to a woman standing beside me, who had hired me to teach her. And as I stood there with this woman (who was much younger than me), I saw Cailey come running up to us, her strawberry hair flying behind her and bright blue eyes shining. She came to me and gave me a big hug, saying “I love you, Mommy.” And I thought to myself, “her mother isn’t going to like that.” And I panicked. Oh Lord, this woman could take Cailey from me, move away, and I would never see her again. And I hugged Cailey back, tightly, wanting to hang on to her and never let go.

And I woke up. Tears streaming from my eyes. Af first from grief, but then from the realization that Cailey is mine. And no one is going to take her from me. I believe that God sometimes uses dreams to show us things. He showed me perspective. And on that Mother’s Day morning, I looked at my role of mother with different eyes. And I was grateful for each of my three children. Who love me even when I fail. Who look to me to care for all of their needs. Who think I’m the greatest mom in the world.

Even when I’m not.

I can’t shake that dream. And the feelings it stirred in me. Even now as I write, I have a lump in my throat and am fighting tears.

I remembered a conversation that I had with Emme when I tucked her in bed Saturday night. She was asking me questions about Crystal, her little cousin who died in 2002 from cancer. She was only 11. Emme wanted to know if she would ever see Crystal again, and if her Aunt Cathy still cried. I had answered yes to both questions. Yes, she’ll see her Crystal in heaven, and yes, Aunt Cathy still missed her baby very much.

I cannot fathom what it’s like to lose a child. My grief over potentially losing one of mine, was immeasurable. And that was just a dream.

My Mother’s Day was not what I had expected. It was wonderful. As I hugged my children tightly, I thanked God for each one of them, and rejoiced in the knowledge that they are a gift from Him.

My most wonderful Mother’s Day gift was that dream. And the perspective that it left me with.

Originally published May, 2007

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After a particularly busy week, I’ve been unable to write a post for The Busy Mom’s Club on this weeks devotional. And I don’t want to just hurriedly slap something together and throw it against the wall to see if it sticks. Not unlike most meals I’ve prepared this week.

So, on this day after Mothers Day, I looked back in my archives to see what I had written a year ago. I had forgotten all about this post. But, when I read it, the memory washed over me, like a drowning wave. All of the same emotions surfaced. Fear, relief, panic, and finally, a great sense of gratitude.

And, on those days, when I don’t feel like journaling the days experience, I’m awfully glad that I do. In the years to come, I’m going to look back on each post (well, some I will likely pretend never published) and I will remember where I was and what I was doing when my children were small.

Because, if it were not for my daily ramblings here, I would forget. And I never want to forget. Because some day, sooner than I imagine, these babies of mine will be all grown. And my empty arms will long to hold them in a tight embrace. One more day.

Happy Belated Mothers Day, all you blogging, and blog reading mommies!

May 12, 2008

19 Responses to Mothers Day Dream

  • “…Because, if it were not for my daily ramblings here, I would forget. And I never want to forget. Because some day, sooner than I imagine, these babies of mine will be all grown. And my empty arms will long to hold them in a tight embrace. One more day….”

    I had about the same thoughts tonight as I was getting ready to post my “Mothers Day 2008” on my blog. Before I started, I thought I’d blog hop first and I came here to read your post.

    Your 2007 entry is so touching. Yes, God speaks in dreams. I know He did to me several times.

    Today I have a wonderful Mothers Day, and I am glad that I can “capture” that as I write a post and upload some photos… because … like what you said, they soon will grow, and if I don’t write this now, I won’t remember as much.

    Happy Mothers Day!

  • Well, you and I both know I’m a “fan” of dreams. (Yours was truly a blessing. . .)

    But, I still say it’s not fair for you to get me crying first thing in the morning before I’m to start school with my munchkins!

  • Happy mother’s day DeeDee and don’t be so hard on your self you are a wonderful mother never question that.God would haven not given you those children if he didn’t think so.love,marina

  • Beautiful. And given the day we had yesterday which was about the worst ever, a wonderful reminder. Thank you.

  • Journals are wonderful! There have been so many times that I’ve learned something from a previous entry I wrote. Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day!

    (I don’t remember how I found your blog but I’ve been lurking for awhile)

  • I’m glad you journaled that time too, even though sometimes it’s easier just to skip it and write about only “good” stuff. But going back and finding that post again and getting such perspective makes it “good” stuff. Thanks for sharing.

  • Oh wow. That brought tears to my eyes and perspective to my soul! It is amazing how God does that!

  • You have me crying like a baby! I really need to get off the computer and go hug a kid! Thanks for sharing!

  • I love that about blogging. It records God’s faithfulness and his lessons.

    I think God knew many of us moms would need to have a physical reminder, considering our brains have mostly left the building.

  • This just seems to be a week of ugly crying for me. Off to get some kleenex.

  • You are so right to be journaling, or blogging. I saw some videos taken when our kids were little and we are camping at the lake. The camera pans by the kids and I see a glimpse of their tiny sweet faces before it focuses on the shoreline and the landscape. I just wanted the camera to focus BACK ON THE KIDS! I can HEAR them!! I NEED to SEE THEM!!
    Sigh.
    Yes, you do miss them when they are grown. Like a crazy woman.
    Good for you for realizing this beforehand.

  • Geez DeeDee! You need to start posting “Mascara Warning”! Beautiful thoughts. Isn’t God cool the way he quietly shows us what we need just when we need it?!

  • Beautiful story. I was very close to crying myself. Happy Mother’s Day, a day late : ). Lisa

  • Your post hit so close to home that I am squirming over here. I wrote a similarly themed post (though not as elegantly put as yours) for Mother’s Day.

  • Beautiful reminder

  • Wow Dee Dee! What a special post! We need reminders (dreams too) to remind us of just how lucky we are to be Moms.

    Stop by my place when you get a chance…there’s a special award waiting for you to pick up. You are deserving of this one for sure!

    Hugs!
    Kat

  • That’s why I blog too, as a life’s legacy for children my husband and I may have in the future. At least we’re hoping, for kids, eventually. Ps37:4 If it’s in God’s heart it’s in mine also!

    I’ve had a prophetic dream before so I know how real some dreams are. I’m glad God gave you this one on that particular day for you to cherish your children.

    He is a good God, He’s a graaay8 God! Yes He is…
    sung like the song

  • Dee Dee,
    Do you have a spy cam at my house? You have a tallent for posting blogs each day that say just what I need to hear. You are a constant reminder of why I chose to be a SAHM who homeschools two great kids. It is nice to see that we are not alone in our daily struggles and we all falter at times. I do this because I love my kids, my husband and God. There is no place I would rather be.
    God blessed you DeeDee.

  • This post (almost) made me cry. I fought back the tears because … well, because crying gives me a headache so I try to avoid it if possible ! 🙂 I love the perspective you gained from this dream. I love the perspective I’ve gained from reading about it. Thanks for sharing !