Why It’s a Drug Store

It began innocently enough. I just wanted the Sunday paper. For the coupons. I envisioned myself hopping into the car, armed only with my purse, and driving alone to our local Walgreens. I timed myself in my mind, and it would only take me 15 minutes, start to finish.

But then, the children caught wind of my plan. “ME TOO, ME TOO.” As if something wildly exciting would be happening at Walgreens on a Sunday, and they couldn’t bear to miss it.  And really, why would Mommy want to EVER go anywhere by herself. Where’s the sport in that?

Resignedly, I packed my three children into the van. And off we went in search of a Sunday paper. When we arrived at Walgreens, I had trouble finding a parking space. Unusual, indeed. I put Jensen in a stroller, and grabbed a cart and gave Cailey strict instructions not to mow down any elderly patrons. A cart was a last minute thought, because I reasoned that since I was there, I would search for the two elusive items that I had rain checks for. Toilet bowl cleaner. And dryer balls.

Because my life is just exciting like that.

The store was indeed packed. Why? I don’t know, because there wasn’t a single Sunday paper. I pressed on, hoping to find the cleaner and the balls. People were lined up waiting to check out, yet somehow, behind the throngs of patrons, Jensen spotted a hotwheels display.

That’s when the screaming began. He’s really been much better about this, but, last Sunday, he pulled out all the stops, just so I would appreciate the calm and quiet Jensen all the more. All heads turned in our direction. Quickly I steered him down an aisle away from the staring eyes. The screaming intensified.

They were out of the toilet bowl cleaner as well. At about this time, a flustered Cailey began bumping the cart into the back of both Mommy and an increasingly angry older sister. And the bickering began.

Have you ever noticed how well sound travels in Walgreens?

“FORGET IT!” I abandoned the cart and quickly removed my noisy children from the store.

“But Mom, what about looking at the crutches?” Because, when you’re 8 years old, you just really never know when you’ll be in need of a pair.

“We’ll try another Walgreens,” I replied, really wanting those coupons.

Lucky for me, we have a Walgreens on nearly every corner here in Armpit, Florida. Along with furniture stores and ammo shops. It’s a great place to live if you need to fill a lot of prescriptions, while sitting in your Ethan Allen barcalounger, loading your semiautomatic.

At Walgreens stop #2, I wisely stuffed Jensen into the miniature cart provided by the store. Leaving the stroller behind in the van. My ankles were still bruised from Cailey’s driving ability in Walgreens #1. And this was a wise choice, because it put me in direct proximity to Jensen should he decide to kick, and/or hit me with his Blues Clues blanket.

This Walgreens wasn’t as popular. I soon found out why. They did have my beloved Sunday paper at the entrance. Which is the place Jensen picked up where he left off with All The Screaming. As though someone were torturing him. I received a very judgmental sneer from a rather dour looking cashier. Her eyes followed me as I quickly turned down aisle #4. No wonder no one comes here, I thought to myself, looking over my shoulder.

Emme, in an effort to calm her baby brother and thusly stopping the embarrassment, retrieved a car from the toy aisle so that he could admire it. He attempted to rip the car from the box, when I noticed the TEN DOLLAR price tag. I took it from him, and tried to talk him into holding the .79 cent hotwheels car, in vain.

Because I would never dream of rewarding bad behavior just for a few shopping moments with peace and quiet.

Oh no, not me.

Since this was evidently an unpopular Walgreens, they were well stocked, and also had my raincheck items. Lightening fast, I threw them into the cart while dodging Jensen’s kicks and air slaps. The screaming had reached the pitch that only mad dogs should hear.

We quickly headed toward the disgruntled cashier, who still held me in contempt of motherhood. I apologized to her out loud for all the screaming, as we approached. Her eyes narrowed even more, and she let out a “hmmmpphhhh”, shaking her head in disgust. At this point, Jensen was screaming, Emme was trying to calm him with, “JENSEN, NO! JUST BE QUIET, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. BE QUIET. BE QUIET.” And Cailey began discussing the merits of buying the Hostess Cupcakes on display at the register. Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to Ms. I-Hate-My-Job that I had rain checks for the items I was purchasing.

Because, despite chaos all around me, I can have a conversation, balance my checkbook, and mentally recite the Preamble to the Constitution.

It comes from practice. Lots and lots of practice.

Evidently, the cashier does not possess the same gift. Because she did not understand me. And became even more agitated when she had to re-ring my 3 items. And she was not one to keep her feelings to herself.

At long last, I paid for the items and was looking forward to a hasty retreat. She mumbled in a monotone voice, “Have a nice day.”

Trying to keep things light, I chirped, “Well, it can only get better from here!” I flashed my most winningest smile. She shot me a look that should have vaporized me.

Being the good Godly Christian woman that I am, I looked at her and said, “You might try a smile.” And with that, I turned and headed for the automatic door.

Only to hear, “You forgot your merchandise.”

I halted in my tracks. Dang it and crud. Turning, I went back, picked up my bag, said “thank you,” hung my head in shame, and burned the rubber off the cart wheels getting the heck out of there.

To add salt to the wound, the newspaper didn’t even have any coupons.

“Dear Lord,

Help me to be a light in the world even in the midst of chaos. And please help me not to add to the darkness. And thank you for newspaper home delivery that I will be taking advantage of. Amen.”

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February 26, 2008

22 Responses to Why It’s a Drug Store

  • Hi,

    I’ve been faithfully lurking at your site for many moons now, and I finally decided it might be polite to say hi! So here I am! Hi! 🙂 I love reading your posts.

    I bet you won’t be returning to Walgreens #2 for a LONG LONG time! 🙂

  • Haha! Yes, there is something to be said for home delivery. But then you wouldn’t have such a funny story to share with us! 😉

  • I love reading this stuff, makes me really appreciate my teenagers.
    No matter what anyone tells you it does get better as they get older!

  • That is hysterical! This one made me laugh out loud at my computer screen. Sorry your pain is so amusing. It was the forgotten merchandise at the end that got me. Great story!

  • I often head over to the $1.00 isle at Wal-mart in an effort to keep the peace. Hey if bribery works then sometimes you have to bribe.
    And as for the Wal-greens lady, I’m sure she got a smile -after you left your bag-
    I’m sure this weeks coupons were no good anyway.

  • Oh, doesn’t Katy’s comment encourage you?

    It HAS to get better, doesn’t it? This story reminded me of so many shopping trips gone awry, but particularly the ones where I spent the whole trip chasing my two year old as he ran from one end of the store to the other. At least I got my excersice!

  • Shopping with children is such an adventure! I was laughing out loud, especially because you had to go back and get your stuff…

  • Oh man- that is so completely something that would happen to me.

    I’m know as Ms. Foot in Mouth.

    Oh yes ma’am, I am.

  • kelli must be my twin. Do you stop at the knee or go all the way to the hip? I’ve been known to have both feet in my mouth! 🙂

  • Perhaps Jensen was just practicing his inner parrot…

    And I’m ambipedextrous… I can stick either foot in my mouth with equal ease, and often.

  • ((((((((Dee Dee)))))))))

    After reading that I you could use a hug. 🙂 I have been there my friend. Oh mercy!! I still laughed, but I feel for you. 😉

  • Dee Dee,

    I just checked online and Walgreens has a website where you can VIEW AND PRINT, I repeat PRINT! their weekly coupons! Would that work for you?

    But then, going to the store with the kids would not be as much fun for your “audience.”

    Here’s a cyber hug! {{HUG}} Thanks for being so humble and Christian-like. There is a special place in heaven for moms like you!

  • Well I have to admire your perseverance!

  • I’ll admit I laughed…but I was laughing WITH you not at you! Our son (almost 4)is NOTORIOUS for in-store performances that leave a trail of angry customers and employees behind us. This from our overall sweet, even tempered baby boy. All I can tell people is that whenever we go into a public place some small part of his brain explodes and causes a complete meltdown.

    We have started preemptive bribery. The minute we walk into the store we grab the first cheap shiny thing we can find and shove it into his hands….then we have approximately 20 to 30 minutes before meltdown, depending on the coolness of the toy. That way we’re not rewarding bad behavior, per se, more like “preventing”. Or at least that’s our justification.

    I hope you can find a way to sneak out and shop by yourself once you get those cupons delivered to your door!

  • Too funny! I was thinking of the sign my mother has – “Lord, make my words today tender and gracious, for I may have to eat them.”

  • That is SO funny!

    The joy of getting the last word zapped in one second…!!

  • Oh my goodness. I laughed so much. And even when I say ‘lol’ it doesn’t necessarily mean that I actually…well…. lol’d. But I did tonight!! Thanks!

    I applaud you for telling The Disgruntled One to smile… even if it did backfire on you. 😉

  • Hi there – I’ve been reading and laughing at your stories for a while now. You never fail to put a smile on my face. But this one made me roll in laughter! I would feel bad for you if it weren’t so funny! Anyway, thanks for keeping us all laughing – it’s a true talent!

  • That was awesome!! I hate it when you lay down a zinger and storm off only to be called back on a penalty. Still, well played.

  • Looks like a lot of us were thinking the same thing–what a bummer that your apropos comment to the dour cashier sort of lost its “oomph” when you had to slink back and grab your bag of stuff! But kudos to you for actually SAYING it and not jut thinking it!

  • Yeah, I laughed out loud at my computer screen, too. Thank you for that.

  • Picking up your stuff, you should have said “Well, surely that merited an LOL!” 😉 I, too, am grateful for my teenagers. Oops, one is 20 now. Have to say “my young adult children!” They are such cool people and their wicked sense of humor makes me laugh.

    And I should know better than to read your blog when I’m coughing out a lung and laughing exacerbates it! 😀