Happy Valentines Day!

I spent the better part of February the 13th making 120 Valentines Day Cards for the annual Valentines Day Bash that my homeschool group throws.

In case you missed that, I MADE the cards. All by myself. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY of them. Because I was too lazy cheap frugal to go out and buy boxes of pre-printed Disney Valentines Day cards. And how they get away with calling them “cards” is beyond me. Disney Princess Valentine Paper is more appropriate.

I’m not crafty. Or technically computer savvy. However, I used both the computer and my limited craft skills to fashion ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY Valentines Day cards. I envisioned sitting at the kitchen table with my children helping me cut and glue, while we happily traded witty repartee.

They lost interest after 4 cards. Each. Leaving me to finish the remaining ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE cards. And the witty repartee desolved into bickering within 3 minutes.

But, I’m not bitter. I still have glue in my hair, but I’m not bitter.

I thought I’d take the day off to recover celebrate. And in honor of this day, I wanted to share yet again, something that I posted last Valentines Day. Or thereabouts. I wish I knew who the author was. So I could sue him for the cost of cleaning my carpet everytime I pee on it after reading this.

Just kidding.

I really didn’t clean the carpet.

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The Perfect Gift

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

“Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Was I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-… that hurt like …..!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.”

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

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February 14, 2008

19 Responses to Happy Valentines Day!

  • bwahahahahahahaaaa

    Only a man…….bwahahahahahhha

  • I was afraid all that was going to end badly. Too hilarious. And chocolatechic is right . . . only a guy would be that, uh, curious. And if I did ever find a displaced set of testicles, you can be sure picking them up to locate their owner would be the last thing I would consider doing! BG

  • I loved this post when I read it the first time and enjoyed it again! Men and their “toys!”

    Have a great Valentine’s Day, DeeDee Erma!

  • LOL… TOO FUNNY!! 🙂 Unfortunately for me, because now I must shower and change my clothes. 🙂 Thank you. LOL…

  • Are you INSANE??? 120 cards?? At least post a picture so you get the accolades you deserve!

    Love the perfect gift. 😉

  • OMG!!!!! My mascara is running down my face again! Only a MAN would do something like that!!! 🙂 I’m going to borrow that to share! Thanks for making my day AGAIN!!

  • Bwah ha ha!!!

    Idiot. (Not you. The guy. I bet he sticks a battery on his tongue to test it too…)

  • Oh, and good for you. (I bought our kid’s valentines… worth every penny in my view.)

  • This is so funny. Every woman who reads this will think, “just like a man.” And, it’s true. Thanks for the belly laugh this morning!

  • THAT almost made me pee myself. Thank you.

  • Let me know when you get the glue out of your hair. I’m pretty sure I’m doomed to a sparkling glittery floor, kitchen table, etc. Even the food has not escaped the glitter.

    I just about died reading the perfect gift. Sounds like he did too.

  • Okay, I have laughed until my face hurts. I will be directing everyone I know to your sight. Umm, that could be all of 3-4 people. Have a great Valentine’s Day!

  • Oh MY STARS!!!!

    Not kidding… I still can’t stop laughing. That is seriously one of the absolute most funny things I have ever read.

    And the sad thing is…. my hubby is not the one that would do this in our home. It would so be me. Not kidding.

  • The thing that really cracked me up, for some reason, was the fact that his glasses ended up across the room on the mantle! How did that happen?

    Too funny!

    And a very romantic Anniversary gift, for sure!

  • Man you should have read my WFMW post.

  • OK I have laughed SO hard that I think I pulled something –

    Happy Valentine’s Day! Sunshine

  • I read this last year. Knew I should find some Depends before I read it again. Read it anyway. Coughing, laughing, tears…woke the children…Oh well, it was worth it.

    You deserve some sort of award for the Valentines.

  • Laughed till I cried and then laughed some more.

    Laughter is good for the soul, but hysteria is not so good for the ureters!!

    Thanks so much, Dee Dee!

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks so much for this . . . I’m DYING over here!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!