The Last Word- And That’s Final

This is my last post that has anything to do with frogs. And my unreasonable fear of them.

(Cue the applause.)

I just thought you all should know that the frog was waiting for me again Friday morning. At 5 AM. I peeked out the window right by the door, and there he was. Beady eye level with me. Staring. Daring me to open the door.

I’m pretty sure that he is the cousin of the frog that we relocated to the Honda dealership. Because if I thought for a moment, that Honda Frog had found his way back, a large FOR SALE sign would be our lawn ornament.

And frankly, I don’t have time to clean the house.

I looked down for a moment, thinking, thinking. Willing him to disappear. When I looked up, he was gone. I’m never that lucky, so I was certain he was now on the door, waiting for me to open it, so he could fling himself into my hair.

Causing me to die of heart failure on my own doorstep. With a frog entangled in my hair.

Slowly, I opened the door just a crack. No frog. I leapt through the doorway and quickly closed the door behind me. I had to turn around to lock it, to protect the occupants still blissfully sleeping. Otherwise I would have kept running. There he was. Right above the lock, on the doorjamb. Bracing myself with my back left leg, I leaned back, and stretched my arm in toward the lock, key readied. Not breathing, I turned the lock slowly. Pulled my arm back into the socket, then turned and RAN like a bat out of a hot place to the car.

Quickly, I locked the car doors, turned the music up loud, and blasted off out of my driveway.

When I told Fiddledaddy about the latest incident, he suggested that I simply pick up a rock and smash the frog. I reminded him what a really bad aim I am and that I could end up breaking out a window.

He agreed. “You’re right. You would probably break the neighbors window. Across the street.”

And really, I just can’t picture myself smashing a frog with a rock.

Blowing him away with a semiautomatic shotgun, sure. But a rock? No.

One time, many many years ago, when I was single, I smashed a large cockroach in my pantry. With the door. And left him there for months to serve as a warning to his cockroach relatives.

This frog really has no idea who he’s dealing with. Forty some-odd years of pent up anger and crazy, could spell frog annihilation. A ticking time bomb. I’m just sayin’.

Anyhoo, to be safe, this morning I exited the house wearing a hooded jacket, gloves, and glasses. And the weather here in Armpit, Florida certainly did not warrant those extreme measures.

But, my reasoning was that he would not be able to reach skin, should he leap on me. Again. If he could even recognize me, that is. Since I was incognito, and all.

Now, for your sanity, as well as my own, I will refrain from blogging about that 4 letter word that begins with “F.” For a really stinking long time.

But, should you happen to read a sensational news article about a hapless frog, a harried housewife, and a loaded shotgun, well, I simply can’t be responsible.

The Frog Trilogy, Now Plus One:

(in order of occurrence)

The Princess and The Frog
Frog Relocation Program
Fit As A Fiddle

The End.

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February 12, 2008

17 Responses to The Last Word- And That’s Final

  • NO, NO, NO! You can’t stop telling frog stories! They’re too funny!

  • The frog stories make me laugh out loud – – I am currently cleaning the coffe out of my keyboard from spewing it as I was not prepared for this one! Thanks for the laughs:)

  • I can’t believe it’s over.

    Please. Say we can start again?

  • Since I am not afraid of frogs, I like the frog stories. Now if it were spiders…. I’d quit reading your blog. Unless you were blasting them with a shot gun.
    God protects me from seeing spiders often. Even though they are supposedly within 6 feet of me at any given time. But God is good, and I rarely see them. Even though my family says there are wolf spiders in my house. In my basement where I do my laundry. God is good. I would be moving if I came across them more than once.

  • Too funny. I’ll miss the frog stories!

  • Oh please don’t stop blogging about the frog – I love these stories! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with a fear of an animal of some sort . . . we had the Chisler (mouse) in our house for a while – he was taunting me – and he only came out when my husband was gone working for a week at a time!

  • This may be a stupid question, but do you have a back door you could use???

    And good for you for not giving up your morning workouts just because of a few frogs.

    And good for FiddleDaddy for knowing that your cookies are indeed medicine!

  • Soo funny! I love the frog stories too! However, when my FIL tried to tell me this morning that I could just move to Florida to get away from the snow (and the opposum in our backyard! Eeeewww!) I said, “NO WAY! Do you know what kind of backyard wildlife they have there? Kamikaze frogs!” LOL!

  • Tara,
    Not stupid at all. We have a back door. But, I’d have to scale a 6 foot fence to get to the car.

    And believe me, I’ve considered it.

    But then that side of the house backs up into the nature preserve. Which contains a whole other set of horrors.

  • I just laughed my butt off! Okay, not literally (I wish!) I’ve never known anyone who was afraid of frogs before, but the way you told it, I got a bit scared, too (through the giggles)..

  • I love reading the frog stories! It’s nice to know that someone else out there has an unreasonable fear of animals.

    I agree, stay out of the nature preserve. I’m sure there’s all kinds of crawly “nature” things in there. Blech.

  • Oh, please you can’t stop writing about the frogs. You have no idea how much you lift my spirits and today was one of those days. I am laughing so hard I am crying, you are just too funny and you blessed my day. If truth be known I enjoy all of your blogs and you make me laugh every day, I can’t wait to read you every day to see what is going on. Thank you.

  • If God really does love me, He’ll let me be driving down your street at 5am one day to see you skitter to the car, diddly-dancing your way over, under and around the frog.

    So…do y’all have a garage?

  • I feel your pain! Anything with slippery/scaley/leathery skin just creeps me out. But please, please, please don’t stop the frog stories! And think about it, keep going and in a couple of years you’ll have enough for a book! After all, shouldn’t something positive come from all this frog-trauma/drama?

  • OMG I was rolling around lol at this story. I so get your fear, the fact you can’t kill it and the fact you don’t want it touching any skin…lol!

    I am from the UK originally and have a morbid fear of snakes, after all I only ever saw them in the zoo until I immigrated here! Last year a long skinny one headed into our garage ahead of me and went under my sweeper (don’t ask why it was in the garage!). Well hubby gets a call from me that goes like this “SNAAAAAAAAKE!!!” that was it, luckily he works 2 mins away. So he arrives into the driveway on 2 wheels to find me gibbering trying to watch it hasn’t snealed off somewhere else – which would be even worse not knowing! He shoos me out and deals with it and then proceeds to belittle my story by saying it was only a few inches long – men PAH!

    At least if I have anymore incidents this year I can unload on my blog!

  • I could not stop laughing out loud! My husband had to ask me what was so funny, so, of course, I had to fill him in on your story. I just can’t believe your luck, I mean unluck! I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune, but you just tell such a great story!

  • I have enjoyed the frog trilogy plus one. Maybe go for a pre trilogy. I’m going to miss the frog’s demise in all it’s agony cuz it’s funny. I’m yelling right along with you – someone kill it (but not me)!

    I would so give you an alibi – “you see officer they were stalking her and they knew she didn’t like them so it is clearly a set up by the Frog King. Besides she was at our house watching LOST – yes I know we are days away from each other but hey that’s what friends do.”
    Think they would buy it?? 🙂