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Fit As A Fiddle

When I get up in the dark of night, to go to the gym, I have everything preset so that I don’t disturb my sleeping family.

Because sleep is a valuable commodity in this house.

My mini coffee pot has been pre-filled the night before, with my favorite coffee mug sitting beside it. The Splenda packets have already been torn open the night before, and a spoon rests on a dish, awaiting the first brew of the morning.

My running shoes are parked by my computer chair. (I don’t run, mind you, the most I ever manage is a trot.) Along with my handbag. The requisite water bottle is in the freezer, half full. All I have to do is fill it the rest of the way, and wrap a paper towel around it. To avoid the inevitable water bottle perspiration that happens when it hits room temperature. The paper towel comes in handy should I need to wipe the dew off the car windows. Or off of me.

A more prepared girl scout, there never was.

And such was the case this morning. At 5 AM, I tiptoed to the front door. Quietly, I turned the doorknob and made my exit. Even more quietly, I closed the door and locked it.

Cue the crickets, because that is all I could hear.

And then it happened.

A frog dropped onto my arm.

The magnitude of this last sentence is relevant only if you had read this post. And then this one. Then, and only then, will you appreciate my level of crazy.

I covered my own mouth with my left hand, the one holding the water bottle, to stifle the scream. Jumping about 2 feet straight up, and 3 feet back, I stumbled into the rocky landscaping.

And if you were to see the front of our house, I use the word landscaping very loosely.

At this point, the frog has leaped from my arm onto the sidewalk, and is hopping towards me. I continued my backwards escape, with my arms flapping in a whirlwind type motion. Along with my water bottle, handbag, and keys.

And still I am stifling the scream.

I made a sharp backwards left turn, and the frog scurried away into the rocks.

I stumbled towards the car, certain that I’ve pulled 3 or 4 muscle groups that I had no idea I even housed. Breathless, I backed the car out of the drive. I could still feel the icky wet frog-gooiness on my arm. I used the paper towel, which miraculously made it out to the car with me, to wipe down my arm. Making a mental note NOT to use the paper towel to wipe my face later.

I noticed a light on in the neighbor’s house across the street and wondered if I drew any attention to my plight. “Well,” I reasoned to myself, “they’ve already seen me digging through my own curbside garbage. On a couple of occasions. They can’t possibly think any worse of me, really.”

And with that comforting thought, I aimed the car toward my waiting workout.

Which really was completely unnecessary, after all.

24 Responses to Fit As A Fiddle

  • I can only imagine how you would have reacted if, like me, you and been accosted by one of those little buggers when you were driving through heavy traffic, towing a 4000 lb ski boat with a Suburban load of kids and gear in Panama City. I felt something wet on my bare foot thinking it was the a/c dripping condensate I glanced down to discover that it was a small tree frog who had made his way inside when we stopped for some new snorkel gear at WalMart. Luckily, my DH was able to rescue me when I miraculosly managed to get my foot off the gas pedal and near his lap to have the offending frog removed…and I didn’t even swerve!

  • It is said, that you should have your heart pumping before any good work out. . .

  • Thanks for the mid-RaisinBran chuckles. You don’t mind us chuckling at your near heart attack, do you?

  • He’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack ….

  • It’s like you’re living in the frog plague of Egypt!

  • Ewww, I would have probably broken a bone getting away from the stalker frog. Eww, eww, eww.

    Do yours ever petrify?

  • I, too, have an intense dislike for frogs. They disgust me. One year, at church camp, a fellow counselor leaked that fact to the campers. All week, I had little boys sneaking up behind me and putting frogs on my back or shoulder. One night, there was a knock on the window next to my bed. I looked out and someone had thrown a frog against the window. I have never completely recovered from that week. I feel your pain! You may have created a new workout….Froggy Frolic…or something like that. You could market it and make millions.

  • ROTFLOL! Kelli said exactly what I was thinking! It may not be the same frog – but he’s part of the froggy mafia….

  • I would have taken that as a sign from God and got back in bed…for the entire day.

  • I was totally on the wavelength that your heart rate wasn’t going to get any higher…

  • Ok So you KNOW what *I* am thinking…. lol I knew it would make for a trilogy. snort*

    I confess I haven’t been faithful to coming here. We’ve been working on the girls magazine and I got a new computer so I am still trying to get all my favs set up on the new computer. :O) And I come here today to read this!

    You’re the frog princess DeeDee. :O)

  • That is so funny! And horrible…really, really horrible.

    Major props for going on to the gym.

  • Oh my goodness, you poor thing! Nothing like a predawn frog attack!
    Hope the weekend goes better!

  • You are a MUCH BETTER woman then me, because I would have let loose with a blood curdling scream that would have awakened the ENTIRE neighborhood!

  • Okay, I like frogs, so I’m substituting the words “big, hairy spider” throughout your post so that I can truly comprehend your horror. I’m quite sure I would make a total ninny of myself and wake up the neighborhood if a b.h.s. fell on my arm at that hour of the morning!

    I’m thinking that God probably blessed you by making your workout burn double the normal calories.

  • Its like he’s out to get you….

  • i’m so glad that, somehow, I found your blog. you are so funny!! I know if we lived closer I’d have to get to know you so I could enjoy you as much in person as I do from afar. so funny.
    Now, I’ll say what people say to me because my husband is so funny too. His coworkers etc always say, “He must keep you laughing all.the.time!” all I can think of is, “um, all the time? yyyyyeah, sure, that’s right, all the time.” I’m sure your family would say similar about you. 🙂

  • i have a deep-seated hereditary frog phobia too. i feel your distress.

  • Well, if the shock of wild animals landing on you doesn’t kill ya, then the Splenda will! 😉 Probably a more enjoyable death though! 😉

  • O Daughter of the Rocky Landscape Land, is it possible that you are a “stiff necked leader” even before you go to the gym? Are you absolutely sure no one has recently pleaded with you to let something … anything … go? Are you keeping illegal aliens by any chance? I fear you are bringing plague upon reptilian plague upon you and your household because there is something you are not letting go!

  • I havent finished reading. As with most of your blog entries (I lost you for a while and just found you again – dont ask) I am cracking up. The frog dropping on your arm is all I needed to hear. Laughter is good and you always make me laugh! Thank you.

  • If anything fell on me as I walked outside my front door in the dark at 5 AM I would have totally freaked out. I am amazed at your self control in not waking your family and/or entire neighborhood up!

  • Oh this was funny. You are full of reasons not to get up at 5AM to work out. 🙂

  • You really should thank the frogs. They have provided for some great blog material :).
    I have to add that my 3 year old daughter is sitting on my lap while I read blogs (nothing like quality time) and she saw the little coffe cups next to the comments and said “COFFEE!! Look mama coffee!!” Truly a girl after my own heart. All of my kids like the pic on your header- they think that the woman with the green face is funny.