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Kicking The Bucket

When Fiddledaddy read my post about the lizard’s untimely death, he came to me and said, “that’s not quite the way it happened.”

If you need a reminder of the original version of the story, go here. Don’t worry, it’s uncharacteristically short. Even for me.

And now, without further adieu, (and hold onto your breakfast), please welcome guest poster, Fiddledaddy.


How the Lizard Really Met It’s Demise

by Fiddledaddy

I’m working in the garage and Emme enters, sobbing, “the lizard’s dead, we killed the lizard!” (falls dramatically to knees, head in hands) sob, sob, sob…

“How did this happen?” I inquire.

“He was riding on my scooter with me and fell off and then CAILEY ran over him with HER scooter!”

“Accidentally!” Cailey emphatically injects.

The children also failed to tell you that their new neighbor friend, Emily, was the source of the erroneous information regarding the ability to resuscitate deceased reptiles by soaking them in a bucket of water for 30 minutes “and then they’ll come back to life.”

Vile stench from purple bucket? There’s your trouble.

At one point, Emme came racing into the garage, “Daddy, he opened his mouth! I think he’s breathing!”

Doubtful. It was one last silent scream.

The eyeball fell out later when, having forgotten they had left him in state on their picnic blanket, Cailey’s foot “accidentally came too close to the lizard and then the eye came out.”

I guess if there were a biology lesson to be extracted here, it would be that if at first you fail to kill your new beloved lizard pet by crushing it under the hard rubber tires of your Barbie Scooter, you should go ahead and soak it in a bucket of water for half and hour, which has the added benefit of loosening the connective tissue that holds in the eyes.

Oh, and the new neighbor friend? I’m not sure we’ll be seeing much of her anymore. After witnessing the “eye detachment procedure” she muttered, “Oh my God,” and suddenly had to go.

The End.


Please note: That night, I went to retrieve the purple bucket from the garage. It’s a favorite bucket we’ve had since Emme was a baby. It has served as a beach bucket, a decorative hat for Emme, and is now the preferred bath toy for all 3 children.

I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why it stunk so bad.

Ignorance is indeed blissful.

In light of the circumstances, the purple bucket has been evicted, and now lives only in our memories.

Along with all of the deceased reptiles that have had the bad fortune to cross our property line.


14 Responses to Kicking The Bucket

  • “(falls dramatically to knees, head in hands) sob, sob, sob”

    That is a man who needed a son. LOL

    And frankly? I think the frog put the lizard up to running in front of the scooter.

    He’s coming to get you, slowloy, methodically. Your sanity will be taken, piece by piece.

    And hauled away in a stinky, purple bucket.

  • You know, in moments of sheer nostalgia, I remember finding frogs and lizards, and even snakes fascinating when I was young, and sometimes wish that my children could have such experiences. . .

    But, then I remember I have 4 boys, and I read your blogs, and I’ve “grown up” and find such things disgusting, and I’m ever so grateful that we don’t have such creepy crawlies around here.

  • OMG… I cannot stop laughing. Fiddledaddy needs to guest storytell more often.

    RIP lizard. What a way to die.

  • LOL – what FD didn’t know was that we read between the lines… I think we all knew and understood that FDD’s version was a dressed down version.

  • Thanks for the “True Hollywood…umm I mean true real life” version of the story. Fiddle Daddy had me laughing a great big belly laugh. I think a tear even threatened to escape from my right eye. Poor lizard. RIP.

  • How funny. I know you write about the toad that stalks you. My boys think toads are their pets and somehow end up squeezing the eyeballs out when they ‘accidentally’ squeeze them too hard. Need your toad taken care of?

  • Fiddledaddy needs his own blog right now, ’cause that was hilarious. And not at all disturbing, but then I was the kid who when some little creature died would say, “Cool! Let’s cut it open and see what’s inside!”

    And quite often did. 😉

  • I like this story the best. Lol! Truth is funnier than fiction. Nobody could make this stuff up. And, yay for me. I found a new blog to read every day! 🙂

  • “It was one last silent scream” – that was funny! Y’all I’m thinking the house of Fiddle is a blast of snarkiness. So can I come over? 🙂

  • At first I thought it strange that you indeed had a favorite bucket. I re-read that just to make sure. And then when I read all the reasons why it’s your fav, I slapped myself on the forehead and said, “Of course! That would be my favorite bucket, too, if I started having favorite buckets! Duh.” Do you have favorites in many categories? Just curious. Also, I think it’s great to let the other halves speak once in a while. We should have a “He Speaks” day in Blogganvilla. Great story, loved it. It’s on my favorites. 🙂

  • Oh my goodness, this is sooooo funny!!! I read your version, then fiddledaddy’s, and wow, so funny. I have kids (and neighbor kids) just like that!

  • OMG!!LOL! you know, poor little Emily’s gonna have to toughen up a little!

  • Oh my heck! That is soooo hilarious! Poor lizard. Great story…. kids are the best.

  • How FUN! Really . . . where would we be without stories and experiences like these 🙂 Brings back MANY memories from my childhood . . . the only girl among an army of boys.

    Thanks for the great read 🙂