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Two Letters

Dear Mr. Campaign Solicitor,

Let me give you a piece of advice. If you really want to solicit a vote for your candidate, don’t ring my doorbell at 8:00 at night.

Even though it was DARK, you may have noticed the well worn mommy van in the driveway. And from the often unkempt appearance of the front of our house, and the sidewalk drawings of various misshapen amphibians, you might assume that our house contains small children.

And you would be correct.

Now, if all your pistons were firing, you would have guessed that 8:00 at night is the time that I dream of. It was the end of an excruciatingly long day. I hadn’t seen my last nerve since breakfast. 8:00 is when we put the offspring to bed. A time for goodnight prayers and kisses. And saints be praised, peace and quiet.

Let’s say, hypothetically, that the doorbell rings. Unaccustomed to such a sound at 8:00 at night, the children leap out of bed alarmed. “WHAT’S WRONG?” Fearing the worst, they wonder if the house is ablaze, and the neighbors are attempting to alert us to that fact. Because they inherited my genes.

And as a side note, I, myself, may have peed my pants just a little.

And that is just never a way to attract a vote for your candidate.

I’m just sayin’.

And furthermore, Mr. Campaign Solicitor, don’t argue with my husband about whether or not you are soliciting. You are. And it’s against the bylaws in this zoned neighborhood.

And no, we don’t believe you when you tell us that you got special permission from the police department.

Liar, liar.

I’ve been sitting on the fence concerning your candidate. You better hope I’m not still hormonal, on this the date of the primaries.

Ura Jerck


Dear Girl Scout,

Please disregard the “No Soliciting” sign posted on our front door. This in no way applies to you. If you are ringing my doorbell to sell me a box, or 12, of Girl Scout cookies, knock yourself out.

Any time of the day or night.

And please have plenty of Thin Mints stashed in your red wagon.

I need them.


Iva Hotflash



23 Responses to Two Letters

  • We haven’t had them ringing our doorbell, but I’m sick and tired of all various political candidates’ flunkies calling our house every single day. I finally told somebody working for one of them that if I heard from that campaign again, I was going to vote for the other party!

    So far they haven’t called back. 😉

  • I’m dreading the start of it here.

    The politics.

    Not the girl scouts.

  • I think if I lived in Armpit, Florida we would be very good friends. Kindred spirits you might say. I too would think something horrible happened if my bell rang at 8:00 at night – not to mention all manner of evil on the person ringing the bell and disturbing my mommy time once I determined no emergency was underway.

    And, living in a “No Soliciting” zone myself, I too would welcome with open arms the little gals in green with their Thin Mints, their Trefoils, their Do-si-dos, their Tag-Alongs…

    And now, because I live in the Motor City and my time spent on bended knee last night paid off, I’ll look forward to cancelled co-op ::weeps with joy:: due to icy road conditions (thank you Lord) and some MORE mommy time while I let the fruit of dh’s loins sleep in . Thank you Jesus.

  • Our younger kiddoes are in bed by 7pm.

    This has something to do with the fact that they wake at 0600 (regardless of when they go to bed).

    And, I’m basically toasted by 7. . .and anyone knocking or calling after that time needs to be prepared.

  • I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I live in a state that doesn’t count, lol. Because we haven’t had to deal with these guys. Or the Girl Scouts…although I’d take the Girl Scouts over political solicitors anyday, cause I doubt the campaigners come bearing cookies. In the form of Samoas…yummy….

  • Ditto with the phone calls. If you call me at 9 pm, then I am officially not responsible for anything, obscenity or otherwise, that may fly out of my mouth.
    If you think that is unreasonable, then you can come here and strap 30-ish (closer to the “ish” by now I would imagine) pounds on the front of your stomach, and wrangle three other children all day, and then tell me how you feel at the end of said day.
    I can bet you will feel ripped, wiped, and flushed 🙂

  • I have a campaign solicitor sending me daily and weekly emails in an email address that I NEVER give out! And I refuse to vote for this person even if he is in “my party.” I’ve even marked them as SPAM and unsubscribed several times to have them stop sending emails but they are still coming. . .

  • We’ve been going door to door selling Girl Scout cookies this week, and I was surprised at the number of people who peek out of their curtains and never come to the door. Like the sight of two 7 year olds in Brownie uniforms is so frightening.

  • I hope it was a democrat. 🙂

    We’re selling Girl Scout cookies if you’ve scared away the doorknockers in your neighborhood.

    Smiles, Kim

  • I live in the middle of nowhere, so no one ever comes to my door and I would pee my pants if someone rang my door bell at 8pm or even 8am…
    I would welcome with open arms a Girl Scout and would even sacrifice counting points (WW) because if she came this far out to the middle of nowhere I couldn’t hurt her little feelings by dieting, I would just have to buy cookies and eat them Day or Night!

  • Oh so true. Alas, I don’t have a “No Soliciting” sign on my door. I have no zoning laws prohibiting such nonsense.

    Nor do I have any Girl Scouts coming by. I’d welcome them ringing the doorbell at midnight for some thin mints. Ohhhh yeah.

  • Oh and can you STOP calling at dinner time too!

    Thank you kindly!

  • That was both funny and disturbing. Michigan is done but we didn’t have the door to door but my phone rang off the hook from every canidate – on both sides – for days.
    And that is why I give praise to the man the invented caller id.

  • Once upon a time, there was a woman who had just finished putting her toddler and infant down for a nap. Said woman was very much looking forward to a nap herself and had just settled under her comforter when the doorbell rang.

    She started upright, waiting for a child to cry.

    No cry came. She slowly settled back into bed.

    Then — the doorbell again.

    Again with the uprightness. Again with no cry. (“Thank you, Jesus!”) Again with the adrenaline and again with the irritation.

    She had just settled back for a third time when the doorbell rang AGAIN. Multiple times.

    She jumped from her bed, sprang to the front door, threw it open and spewed (with venom) the words, “I have children napping and I’m napping too and if someone doesn’t answer the door there’s a reason so GO AWAY!”

    The poor huddled woman who had rung the doorbell scurried to her car like a mouse running from a tiger.

    And I … I mean, the heroine of our story never did find out what the doorbell-ringer wanted.

    Good grief. Some people just don’t know well enough to leave alone. I’m surprised you didn’t send the frogs after the solicitor.

  • I think I peed my pants reading your letters!

    We had campaign calls on the day of the primary here. The day of! If I hadn’t decided by then, do you really want my wishy-washy self on your side anyway?

    Send those Girl Scouts my way when you’re done with them, if there are any cookies left! 😉

  • I HATE that, but I think the phone calls are worse. Do they really think they are going to get people to vote for them by annoying us to death?

  • My neighborhood is too dark and out of the way – thankfully! One thing I LOVE about having moved out of our old neighborhood . . . you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting some kind of solicitor in that neighborhood!

  • If someone rang my doorbell at 8:00 at night they’d still be looking for a body…I tend to lose my Christian thought if they CALL after 7:30. I don’t think they should allow door to door soliciting any more anyway. Too many psychos.

    …except for the girl scouts, of course…

  • So true! I had a solicitor come to my door this week during naptime. He guilted me a little because he talked of giving young people something to work for and be proud of rather than leaving them with nothing to do but steal and kill (okay, he didn’t say that exactly, but that’s what he meant). I told him that my kiddos were asleep and this was my time that I had to get some things done. He continued to talk and say, “But…” Finally, I thanked him and shut the door, feeling very guilty. He sort of tried to pull it together but then just turned around saying, “Aw…..” as he ran off. Doesn’t this count as soliciting? And during naptime!!!!

  • This is great! We have been visited by Kirby vacuum cleaner salespeople 5 times now in as many months and there are signs posted all around our neighborhood and on our door that say “No soliciting”. I always wonder what they think when they see those and why that does absolutely nothing to deter them and how many of my neighbors do they visit and are they thinking the same thing? Sorry to make this so long. This is a really cute post.

  • could you please order some tagalongs for me? I can’t find me any girlscouts and I have an annoying visitor here named Flo who is demanding chocolate and peanut butter. I think she might be related somehow to Iva. Maybe 3rd cousins?

  • Y’all. I don’t know when I’ve enjoyed the comments this much. You’ve had me chuckling all day! Thank you!

  • I hate it when people solicit either by phone, mail and the worst is when they show up unnannounce and unwanted on my doorstep!


    But I agree with you…the only solicitation that is welcome is by those sweet little girl scouts with their boxes of thigh fattener…erm…Thin Mints!