Frog Relocation Program

Shortly after my BIL and his wife were married, they were living in an apartment. He is a pilot and is away from home for usually a week at a time. On one occasion, while he was away, his wife saw a snake in the apartment. No one was able to capture the snake. Consequently, when my BIL got home, his key no longer fit in the door.

My SIL had them moved to a completely different apartment.

This story is a source of amusement for the male members of the family. We women, married to those men, side with the SIL. And we’re not laughing.

Before Fiddledaddy and I were married, I lived in a small house in Burbank, and had an unwelcome feral cat that would come to terrorize me when I worked outside. His name was Psycho Kitty, and I documented the saga in this post. Psycho Kitty was hauled off by animal control after a particularly ugly confrontation. Only to return two weeks later.

I then moved.

I suppose I should admit that I was going to move anyway, but for the sake of the story retelling, “I then moved” is so much more intriguing.

I’ve been keeping you all abreast about Frog, who has been stalking me for weeks, as I innocently leave the house before dawn to go to the gym. Last week I posted the horrifying incident where Frog found his way into my house. And then he was evicted before he could have his way with me.

For the next several days after he was thrown out on his ear (if frogs even have ears, which I doubt), Frog has been perched up on top of my front door, overlooking the porch. Staring at me. With unblinking beady eyes.

I should have cooked him when I had the chance.

He would then disappear at daybreak, causing my family to think that perhaps I am crazy.

Last Friday, we all piled into the van to take it to get the oil changed at the dealership. Because a family of 5 can have an awful lot of fun at a car dealership. On a Friday morning. And we don’t spend nearly enough time together.

(Clearing my throat.)

I opened the back of the van to get the stroller out so that we could entrap Jensen. Mostly to keep him from running up to each and every car on the lot to give them a push.

I reached for the stroller, and Fiddledaddy called out, “I’ll get that honey.”

“OKAY.”

I went to get the rest of the children out of the van, when I heard Fiddledaddy say, “OH WOW, look at this!” And Emme began squealing with delight.

Oh dear Lord, no.

It was Frog. Hiding in the stroller. Waiting for me to get the stroller out so he could pounce on me once and for all.

And there it would be on the news: “MIDDLE AGED HOUSEWIFE FOUND DEAD ON THE CAR DEALERSHIP FLOOR. STORY AT 10.”

And yes, it was the same Frog. I know, because we had taken pictures of him in the house and he had very distinct markings. And beady unblinking eyes.

“GET RID OF HIM!”

Calmly, Fiddledaddy walked a good distance away, and released him near a new Honda Civic.

Good riddance.

And you can bet that I checked the van thoroughly before we left.

“BURN RUBBER, MAN,” I hollered as we pulled out of the dealership.

Tomorrow, as I leave my house at dark thirty for the gym, I won’t have to quicken my pace to clear the front porch. No, I’ll be able to look up, and know that Frog will no longer pee on me. Or stare at me with unblinking beady eyes.

But I tell you what.

If he ever finds his way back.

We’re moving.

Post Note: The comments to this particular post have far exceeded my hopes and expectations. Good form, y’all!

January 14, 2008

24 Responses to Frog Relocation Program

  • Are you sure Frog wasn’t really Prince Charming…stalking you.. trying to get you to kiss him? hehe

  • I hear those things come equipped with “FroJack” so they can find their way back home.

    So, start packing.

    I slay me.

  • I’m with Kelli–you better start packing. Just sayin’…

  • Haha!! Amphibians also love me. They find me downright attractive. If there is a frog in the room(and believe me with 6 boys the opportunities have been many)it will zoom its googly eyes on me and hop in my direction. Preferably ON me.

    And then there was the time I inadvertantly grabbed a snake that was hiding in the crack of the couch…..

    ~C

  • I have 2 geckos that hang out on our porch. I’m usually okay with them, until they get close to the door. I might have to tell how I evicted one last fall, screaming the whole time, with a baby in my hands.

  • It’s just a good thing I didn’t happen to have a swallow of my morning Diet Pepsi in my mouth when I read Kelli’s comment about the FroJack!

  • I am so with you, AND your SIL. I would move immediately.

    I think the frog and the psycho kitty are allies. 🙁

  • Beware the Boomerang Frog. They always come back…

  • It’s like something out of a Stephen King novel.

    If you don’t post every day this week, I’ll be very worried about you.

  • I was already laughing and then I read the comments! I’m now wheezing from laughing so hard. 🙂 Kelli!

  • Gotta love a good frog stalking story!

  • Okay, I was already laughing, trying to be quiet, and then I got to “BURN RUBBER, MAN,” at which point, I couldn’t contain it any longer.

    You made me do the snorty-laugh. AGAIN.

  • Geez….I have a whole new respect for froggy intelligence…slimy, yes! But sneaky??!!!

  • I’ll trade you your frog for my possum.

    I’d have burned rubber too.

  • I am glad the frog is gone. Things like that can really haunt you! I would have probably run out the door every day with something over my head, or just made my husband go out before me one day to get rid of it. You are braver than I am!

  • I had an eerily similiar experience, only I was being stalked by a banana spider. This year it was one of her babies. I, too, blogged both experiences. It’s therapeutic, ya’ know?

  • One night I walked out our front door to put something in my husband’s car. Standing directly under the light on the garage and directly in my path was an opossum. I FREAKED out, hopped inside the car and started honking the horn in hopes that the opossum would run OR that my husband would come out and save me. I am a brave, brave soul.

  • Girl, don’t you know f.r.o.g. stands for Fully Rely On God? Hmmmm, makes a person think twice about getting rid of God’s creations. Or does it? Nah, I didn’t think so!

  • THANK YOU!!!!!!! I needed a good laugh tonight – the post was great and the comments were the icing on the cake!

  • LOL ya know the perfect continuation for this is if a new frog appears one morning at dark thirty. LOL Great post DeeDee!

  • So funny. I’ll never look at frogs the same way again.

  • Congratulations on your victory over frog! I am blessed with 5 strapping young warriors who enjoy bringing snakes in the house to show them off in all their scaly sinuousness. We live in the woods of Maine so there is a plentiful supply.

    We don’t have so many frogs, possibly because the snakes eat them. Would you like my boys to gather up some frog control? 🙂

    Thank you for your funny posts. You brighten my days!

  • My friends who live in China eat frog on a regular basis – want their mailing address? 🙂

  • So, are you a fan of LOST? Because this sounds like a twist in the plot to me. Suddenly, “he” will return and you will seriously doubt your sanity and purpose in life. Is it to rear your parcel of kids, or to keep the world safe from “him?”