The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time, in the land of Armpit, Florida, there lived a King, a Queen (who was lovely to behold), two Princesses, a small Prince clad only in Sesame Street diapers, and a hapless, and most unlucky Frog.

Frog lived with his many cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings on the stoop of the castle. Much like a plague. Threatening always to pounce on the lovely but unsuspecting Queen as she darted in and out of the castle at dark thirty. God only knows where she could be going at such an early hour. It became quite a sport for the family of Frog.

“SHHHHH, here she comes,” one would croak to the others. “Wait for it. Wait for it. NOW!” “Drats, she was too quick again. She’s in amazingly good shape for someone her age.” “We’ll wait right here and not move a muscle for her imminent return.”

And so they did. They waited. Night after night, morning after morning. Until late one evening, quite unexpectedly, the Queen, needing to retrieve something from her chariot, bolted out the door. Frog was ready for her. When she slipped back in the door, he slipped in as well. And he waited over the doorjamb. Unblinking beady eyes staring down into the entry hall. “Aha,” he chuckled to himself. “I’ll wait here until she leaves in the morning. She’ll never see it coming.”

frog-doorjam.jpgAlas, what Frog hadn’t counted on was that the King, who was tall and dashing, would come to secure the castle door. He immediately noticed Frog peering over the doorjamb. Then he did something quite unexpected. He called his daughter, the famous hunter and murderer of innocent amphibians. She squealed with excitement, as she jumped up and down in the entry way. “LET ME KEEP HIM, LET ME KEEP HIM.”

“Kill me now,” Frog thought.

The Queen began shrieking from another room, “GET IT OUT OF MY HOUSE. NOW. NO WAIT. TAKE A PICTURE FIRST.”

Before Frog knew what was happening to him, a bright flash blinded him and he did what any frog worth his salt would do in retaliation.

He projectile peed on the King.

frog-on-wall.jpgAt this point he made a break for it, leaping down from his perch onto the hard floor below. And after nearly being stomped to death by an excited jumping barefooted Princess, he hopped under the library cabinet. The one filled with priceless family heirlooms and breakables.

The King attempted to move said cabinet, causing yet more shrieking from the Queen. Language which must never be repeated in a family type fairy tale. On his own volition, the frog darted out from beneath the cabinet, and aimed himself right at the feet of the screaming Queen.

He then overheard the King remark, “WOW, I’ve never seen you move so fast, honey. And with so much agility!” In the commotion, the eldest Princess scooped up the frog in both hands and turned to follow the Queen mother, to show off her prized catch.

The Queen then slammed shut her master suite bedroom chamber door.

frogprincess.jpg

The Princess eyed the handsome Frog, and thought of planting a kiss. But then reconsidered and concluded that he should be dissected the next day during homeschool Science class.

And then, in the spirit of frugality, the Queen Mother fried him up for dinner.

Just kidding.

The King and the Princess released him back to his family. But not without more projectile pee.

There, on the doorstep, would he wait for the Queen the next morning, with his entire entourage. And an attitude. This meant war.

January 8, 2008

27 Responses to The Princess and the Frog

  • So, your strategy is to pee on the frog in the morning?

    I’m dying to see how this works out.

  • I can’t wait to hear how this ends!

  • Fractured frog fairy tale, eh? Unlike Grimm or Disney, at least the characters have all survived so far!

  • Frog legs are actually very tasty–taste like chicken, of course!

  • I love how you took the frog’s picture.

  • Now see, I thought the dissection during Science class idea had a lot of merit. 😉

  • Oh Candace, Fiddledaddy took the pictures. If I had taken it, it would have been completely out of focus. And then the camera would be broken because I would have dropped it when the frog peed.

    And you can’t very well take a good picture when you’re running in the opposite direction wringing your hands and screaming.

  • I too thought the homeschool project was a good idea, however I would be no where in the house while it was happening. I am afraid of frogs. (Don’t ask me why) As a matter of fact if they were on my porch not only would I have not come out of the house I would still be screaming and you would here me all the way from Texas. 🙂

  • Can’t you just use your BACK door? Thats totally what I would do.

  • OMG!! That’s hilarious!

  • Karly,
    I totally would use the back door. If we had one. We just have a slider leading out to the backyard. Then I’d have to scale the 6 foot fence. And end up in the nature preserve.

    Which would present a whole new set of problems.

  • OH MY WORD!!!!! This just cracked me up. Projectile pee. You must write a book!
    Personally in the world of slimy creatures I will take a frog or toad over a snake any day of the week.

  • hahaha! So well-written and entertaining, all the more so because it’s true!

    Froggy projectile pee! I’ll have to remember that one!

  • I hear ya – we had similar problems with gansta raccoons, hoodlum squirrels, and demon bats. I thought moving out of the country would get rid of animal problems but I guess inner city critters are a whole different breed.

  • Oh what I wouldn’t give to live next door to you… in Kansas. We have no peeing frogs on our doorsteps… only possums who cause people (ahem – me) to break out in opera.

    Which is a whole different story… and not nearly as good as yours.

  • I love it- hahahahahahahaha!!! Great story 🙂 We had “the chisler” a la Cheaper By The Dozen – fun fun week that was!

  • Thank you so much for this story. I thought it was hilarious. It also removed a lot of tension at my house. I have a “tween”. She was working up a good snit when I called her to read your story. She loved it and now is in a happy mood which helps the rest of the household! Thank you again.

  • Once again you’ve got me staring at the computer and laughing out loud. My hubby knows by now when this happens it’s usually because I’m reading your blog. Let me know when you decide to write your book, I’ll be first in line to buy it.
    Velvia

  • This is so fabulous. You are in full on fairytale mode over here. I love it!

  • DeeDee,
    I stop by and read your blog quite often, though I do not always take the time to comment. Sorry. But, this was so funny,I had to respond. You brightened my day. I raised 3 sons…and lived to tell about it. One of their greatest delights was catching frogs and slipping them into the other brother’s bath water. I don’t know why…but they never got tired of it. I, of course, went prematurely gray!

    You have a wonderful way with words and your blog is always a delight to read. Thank you for being a bright spot in my blog world.

    Blessings,
    Tonja

  • What a great story.

    If you don’t mind, I don’t think I’ll come to visit you. What with your frogs n’ all.

  • Frogs do not bother me but yesterday I saw a snake..in Ohio in January. I do not like them sam I am.

  • Ewwwwwwww. You can bet if it happened at The Nut House the frog would not have been the only one projectile peeing. No sirreebob.

  • “Kill me now” killed me. I wonder if small animals in the hands of children would have been a good sermon illustration for Edwards’ “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

  • May I get this off my chest please??? I just read this blog entry and had to get a kleenex to clear my eyes of mirthful tears before being able to finish it! And to make matters worse I actually read it to my family whose reactions to amphibian pee was just as mirth-filled as my own ( I have 2 boys under 8). Congratulations. You just made my entire family beg to have it be read to them again. Keep it up!