Once upon a time, in the land of Armpit, Florida, there lived a King, a Queen (who was lovely to behold), two Princesses, a small Prince clad only in Sesame Street diapers, and a hapless, and most unlucky Frog.
Frog lived with his many cousins, aunts, uncles, and siblings on the stoop of the castle. Much like a plague. Threatening always to pounce on the lovely but unsuspecting Queen as she darted in and out of the castle at dark thirty. God only knows where she could be going at such an early hour. It became quite a sport for the family of Frog.
“SHHHHH, here she comes,” one would croak to the others. “Wait for it. Wait for it. NOW!” “Drats, she was too quick again. She’s in amazingly good shape for someone her age.” “We’ll wait right here and not move a muscle for her imminent return.”
And so they did. They waited. Night after night, morning after morning. Until late one evening, quite unexpectedly, the Queen, needing to retrieve something from her chariot, bolted out the door. Frog was ready for her. When she slipped back in the door, he slipped in as well. And he waited over the doorjamb. Unblinking beady eyes staring down into the entry hall. “Aha,” he chuckled to himself. “I’ll wait here until she leaves in the morning. She’ll never see it coming.”
Alas, what Frog hadn’t counted on was that the King, who was tall and dashing, would come to secure the castle door. He immediately noticed Frog peering over the doorjamb. Then he did something quite unexpected. He called his daughter, the famous hunter and murderer of innocent amphibians. She squealed with excitement, as she jumped up and down in the entry way. “LET ME KEEP HIM, LET ME KEEP HIM.”
“Kill me now,” Frog thought.
The Queen began shrieking from another room, “GET IT OUT OF MY HOUSE. NOW. NO WAIT. TAKE A PICTURE FIRST.”
Before Frog knew what was happening to him, a bright flash blinded him and he did what any frog worth his salt would do in retaliation.
He projectile peed on the King.
At this point he made a break for it, leaping down from his perch onto the hard floor below. And after nearly being stomped to death by an excited jumping barefooted Princess, he hopped under the library cabinet. The one filled with priceless family heirlooms and breakables.
The King attempted to move said cabinet, causing yet more shrieking from the Queen. Language which must never be repeated in a family type fairy tale. On his own volition, the frog darted out from beneath the cabinet, and aimed himself right at the feet of the screaming Queen.
He then overheard the King remark, “WOW, I’ve never seen you move so fast, honey. And with so much agility!” In the commotion, the eldest Princess scooped up the frog in both hands and turned to follow the Queen mother, to show off her prized catch.
The Queen then slammed shut her master suite bedroom chamber door.
The Princess eyed the handsome Frog, and thought of planting a kiss. But then reconsidered and concluded that he should be dissected the next day during homeschool Science class.
And then, in the spirit of frugality, the Queen Mother fried him up for dinner.
The King and the Princess released him back to his family. But not without more projectile pee.
There, on the doorstep, would he wait for the Queen the next morning, with his entire entourage. And an attitude. This meant war.