One Item That Will Not Be Under The Tree

I love to shop online. Even though it involves the computer. I took a computer class in college in the early 80’s, before Al Gore invented the internet. And global warming. I lasted 2 weeks. I justified dropping out of the class by reasoning that this computer business was just a passing fad. It would never catch on.

And my 8-trak tapes will most certainly make a comeback.

It was only by the grace of God that I married a computer wizard. When he was just “my friend”, he spent countless hours helping me with my first computer. Keep in mind my eyes glaze over whenever someone starts talking about anything of a technical nature to me.

It’s a miracle we ever married, really.

Now, I throw words like “blogosphere”, “interface”, and “gigabytes” around with ease. Well, I don’t really know what a gigabyte is, but I still throw it around with confidence anyway.

Because I can.

Now I bank online, pay bills online, and even shop online. And I’ve come across some interesting items manufactured with children in mind, as I shop for my kids. For example, I came across this last night:

marshmallow-shooter.jpg

It’s an innocuous looking piece of weaponry that shoots marshmallows. Innocent enough. NOT. This is the most stupid idea that toy manufacturers have EVER come up with.

It’s not that I’m against toy weaponry. Per se. Well, I am, but that’s a whole other post. Now that I have a boy in my house, I’m happily veering away from All Things Barbie and am entering the world of fast cars, and toys that can take down older sisters.

But a gun that shoots marshmallows is never EVER going to darken my doorstep. I’ll tell you why. Way back when I was in college, I was hanging out with fraternity brothers, and sorority sisters. Pondering the meaning of life. And dodging computer science. One evening, we all found ourselves sitting on the shag carpet of a friend’s apartment, who had no furniture. Or food. Except for a bag of stale marshmallows. One of the larger frat boys started throwing the marshmallows at the girls. Because he was all mature like that. And goodness knows, we girls love a good marshmallow. He called my name across the room, and I turned just in time to take a marshmallow to the eye.

It may as well have been a baseball.

Over the next couple of days, my eye swelled up, and it felt like something was in it, even though I had washed it out. I could no longer drive, so my mother came and got me to take me to the eye doctor. The sugar coating on the marshmallow had scraped my cornea. And it was causing the layers of my eyeball to overlap. The top layer had to be scraped off. That’s correct, scraped off. And all the horror that entails. And then the eye could heal. I had to wear a patch for a week, and could stand no light, not even the TV. Not even to watch my beloved “Days of Our Lives.” I felt like a vampire. With an eyepatch. Most painful experience I’ve ever had. And I’ve birthed a 9 pound baby from non-birthing hips. So, I know pain. Just sayin’.

I know that frat boy, named KEVIN, felt bad about the whole thing. Because he went out of his way to avoid me over the next two years of college. Flowers would have been nice. Or chocolates.

My injury was called a recurrent corneal erosion. For me, it will forever be known as the “hideous marshmallow incident.” And it has indeed reoccurred at the most inopportune times during these last 25 years. Like my honeymoon.

For every one of these things that is sold, I hope there’s a mother hollering in the background “YOU COULD LOSE AN EYE WITH THAT THING.”

I still have a hard time drinking my hot cocoa with even the most miniature of marshmallows.

Toys that kill and maim have been around since I was growing up in the 60’s. Does anyone remember the “Knockers?” Two heavy glass type balls suspended from two connecting strings with a loop for your index finger. Children all over my school were beaning themselves in the head from that one. One kid even knocked himself out cold. Now there’s a legacy.

I heard recently that Easy Bake Ovens have been recalled. What is this world coming to?

What else should I be wary of as I surf the internet looking for the perfect gift for my offspring? And don’t tell me to avoid “Heelys.” Too late on that one.

December 11, 2007

22 Responses to One Item That Will Not Be Under The Tree

  • we got one of those last Christmas for the oldest gremlin. You want to know where it is now? Buried in the mud somewhere when no one was watching.

    Shhh. Don’t tell. They left it out there, I just finished the job. Hee hee.

  • Wow. And I thought we were in for one doozy of a “Chubby Bunny” story …

    I suppose the StayPuff MarshmallowMan in “Ghostbusters” really freaked you out, huh.

    “My, what pretty EYES you have …”

    Sorry.

    I’m heartless.

    Anyhooo- I do believe I still have a pair of original “knockers” somewhere in the garage –

    Those were a staple takeaway from the Pomona County Fair every. single. year.

    Along with the “Invisible Dog”, remember those?

    Well, off to make some fudge. With marshmallow creme.

    I’ll beat them extra hard for you.

  • My boy has a home made marshmallow gun…

    I need to remember to yell at him “you could loose an eye that way.”

  • And to think everyone is freaked out over the lead in toys. Hello? And killer marshmallow toys are fine? I’m with you. Plus…what a waste of perfectly good marshmallows!

  • We have one of those. Our dog LOVES it because he runs around eating all the ammo. Saves on dog food.

  • You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!

  • I had to beg my mother not to buy my sons this toy! They’ll never know what they’ve missed!

  • Great, now I want rice krispie treats.

    My kids will never own a Bratz doll or a marshmallow gun. Both are bad for the yes.

  • Paddle Balls! Those’ll kill ya!

  • I have never heard of such a toy, but it is quite ridiculous.
    you poor thing, taking a marshmallow in the eye!

  • My dad actually made marshmallow shooters for my husband and oldest son several years ago, from PVC pipe and some PVC connectors. We now have a pile of PVC pieces in the “workshop” toybox. I’m hoping my son doesn’t remember the whole marshmallow shooter thing. Of course, we do deal with siblings getting beaned on the head with a PVC pipe, so the supply has been dwindling…

  • OK. You win the contest for lamest excuse ever for cornea scratchage.

    Until today, I thought I was the hands-down favorite, for my eyeball was scratched by my six-week-old kitten (resulting in a visit to the ER the next day when my eye swelled up and turned red, and yes, the ER doc and nurse laughed their heads off at me).

    But a marshmallow?!? I relinquish my crown.

  • Oh, and obviously (given our life-threatening cornea injuries by all things cute and soft), you should stay away from stuffed animals this Christmas. You never know what evil lurks in those soft little hearts.

  • My parents have a homemade marshmallow gun…the boys only play with it there.
    And…so…I’m thinking that the potato gun my uncles made would be out of the question? It fires potatoes a good quarter mile. ; )

  • We called those things Clackers (klackers) and they were so dangerous. They could be used as a weapon by some ninja.

  • maybe ours were just duds….the boys got these @ one of the local little fairs. After the first round of marshmallows ours were so full of marshmallow sticky and lil boy spit they couldnt even reload them till they had been thru the dishwasher…i just told them they melted in the dishwasher cause i was sick of the lil boy spit
    steff

  • I nearly choked to death on a marshmallow when I was about four or five. I inhaled it and back them, before the Heimlich maneuver, all anyone could think to do was grab me by the ankles, turn me upside down and shake. Shooting marshmallows into someone’s mouth sounds all kinds of dangerous to me.

  • yeah, I was heading down the chubby bunny path–but chubby bunny is to this story as “delete any key” is to Linux. All these years, marshmallows have been masquerading as puffy soft powdery sugar softness, when they are actually eyeball pumices. Thanks for the warning. Because I don’t have enough to worry about.

  • You arent’t supposed to shoot them into people’s MOUTHS, feefifoto. And the pvc homemade kind are usually all the rage at homeschooling conventions. I would think if you use fresh marshmallows, the scratching would be less likely, but then the tubing might get gummy. Having given Nerf ball guns with a chainsaw noise to my husband AND son one year (yeah, I know, what the heck was I thinking!), we’ve now graduated to real guns for Christmas gifts. I got mine early and do all of my shopping fully armed. 😉

    I had Clackers when I was in school, too. (Knockers? LOL)

  • I needed a laugh and I’m glad I came to your page to check it out from the blog awards! Be blessed!

    Sallie

  • Ouch. I can sympathise ,My son punched me in the eye by mistake a few years ago and that was bad enough.
    My uncle lost his sight in one when a little boy he knew flicked a tiny paper pellet at him,with his finger.
    I was adamant my boy was not to have a spud gun(potato pellet shooter) when he was about 6. My husband was quite dissappointed.

  • Good gosh Dee Dee! What a horror story! Who wudda thunk that a marshmallow could inflict such a horrible injury? Not me. Glad you caught me with this story before I made it to the Toy Fair to pick out this years inventory. The marshmallow guns almost made it to my store last year per a customers request.

    Just wondering, how hard did he have to throw it to cause that kind of damage?