Clear The Pool!

Warning: If you’re even a little bit squeamish, don’t read this post. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, move on. Save yourself! And your sensibilities.

I debated telling this story. I wrestled with it for about 10 minutes. But, since I’m all about full disclosure regarding my parenting experiences, I couldn’t help myself. And the fact that I’m juvenile doesn’t help. With that said, hold onto your Oreos.

Last night I was giving Jensen his bath. It’s a gleeful time for him. He dearly loves his nightly bath. He shares the tub with his beloved Wheel Pals cars. Since the Hotwheels don’t fare well, what with all the rusting they endure after submersion. The bath is also the only location that I am able to feed Junior without a fight. Sadly. I was sitting on the toilet (lid down) beside the tub, feeding Jensen his chicken dogs. Cut to bite-sized non-choking-hazard pieces. Emme and Cailey even provided the entertainment by bringing their guitars into the bathroom to play “Mary Had A Little Lamb” that they had just learned in their guitar class. It was a happy, albeit crowded, moment. Jensen got up on his haunches and leaned forward, I presumed to be closer to the source of the sweet music.

I presumed wrongly.

With no warning whatsoever, Jensen shot out the largest poop I’ve ever seen come out a child. It was the size of his entire leg. I wish I were kidding. And it just lay there, fully intact, on the bottom of the tub. Jensen stood up, to get as far away from it as possible. With wild banging of guitars against walls, sibling, and door, the sisters made a hasty retreat out of the bathroom. I wanted desperately to follow them. But I couldn’t. What kind of mother would I be. Immobilized, Jensen and I stared at one another for about a minute. Then I did what any mother would do. I called for Fiddledaddy. He came quickly when he heard the urgency of my voice.

He assessed the situation. “Dude!” He said as he lifted Jensen out of the tub and whisked him away to the other bathroom. Which was a brilliant move, by the way. Since I was left to handle the excrement. I wondered if he noticed that the child was two pounds lighter.  I stared at the tub for another minute or so. “I can’t just let the water out,” I reasoned. That would have caused a whole other set of problems.

I noticed the chicken dogs, still sitting on the counter. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so well. I left the bathroom, my mind racing. I could just close the door and pretend it never happened. A favorite coping skill of mine. I went to the kitchen to get a plastic bag. Reluctantly, I reentered the bathroom. I began gagging. I opened the seat of the toilet, just in case. It was then that I realized that I hadn’t cleaned this particular toilet this week. An unfortunate mishandling of housekeeping duties. Soon, I was heaving like a dog. Tears flying from my eyes. I put my hands into the plastic bag, trying to provide a barrier between me and the offending feces. People, it took two hands to lift it out and deposit it into the toilet. I flushed. Thankfully it went down. I thought I would have to dice it up first. Then I had to go after the remaining debris. A most unpleasant task. I was retching the entire time.

I think the only reason I was able to mentally talk myself out of hurling, was that the only person in this house who would clean THAT mess up, would be me. And I instinctively knew that if I had to clean it up, more would be forthcoming. And, well, I just willed myself not to blow. Let it be noted that I have more will power than I give myself credit for.

I finished up the job by disinfecting the bathtub, wheel pal cars, and my hands and arms, right up to the pits. I don’t know what happened to me. I thought I had developed a high gross-out threshold after birthing three children. I mean, even his diapers don’t bother me. And that’s sayin’ something.

Oh well. It coulda’ been worse, I suppose. The incident could have occurred in my bathtub. Then I would be relegated to taking showers from now on.

I remember when I was very young, spending summers at the community pool. There were a couple of boys who delighted in torturing the swimmers by strategically placing Baby Ruth candy bars in the water. I use to think that was hysterical.

Until now.

I will never eat another Baby Ruth again. They are dead to me.

October 4, 2007

52 Responses to Clear The Pool!

  • Oh no!!!! As I sit here laughing, I feel for you. You are much stronger than I would have been. When it comes to things like that, I call for my hubby…he’s got a much stronger stomach than I.

  • I am SO laughing with you, and not at/i> you.

    Seriously.

  • Yeah.

    You can laugh at men now.

    Obviously my HTML skills are right up there around Fred and Wilma’s.

    I’m proud.

  • Ok.

    As are my SPELLCHECKING skills.

    Although you laugh at men, too.

    Goodnight and Good Luck,

  • Nice evading by FD. WOW~ the graphics in this one are not quite gag-free….but I laughed out loud the entire post. Thanks for “being real”!:-D 😀 😀
    ~C

  • Oh man….you brought back memories. Not good ones, but that’s how it goes. This is the kind of thing where, when someone says “one day you’ll look back on this and laugh,” you start to wish the same thing on them.

    Bleah.

  • Oh, I am laughing so hard. I don’t think I would ever be able to get my older kids back in that tub.

  • This reminds me of when my son decided to put a turd on the dresser when he finished. I guess he thought he’d be in less trouble if it was there instead of in the carpet. (We are potty training and we have yet to master the “poop goes in the toilet” idea with him!) Any ideas?

  • We had a similar (although far less sizeable) problem when my son was about 4, and my daughter was an infant…I had just put her in the tub when she let out a nice torpedo. My son, watching, said to me in tones of horror, “Don’t make me go in there, Mom!”

    The cleanup effort didn’t bother me because I was laughing too hard. Turns out that bodily fluids and excretions don’t bother me nearly as much as I would have thought…I might have pulled off being a doctor after all!

  • I am sorry that I laughed all the way through this. I am wiping tears from eyes! 🙂 But, as someone who has had that experience, I totally know what you went through. 🙂

  • I knew the minute a read your title and warning what this post would be about. I laughed out loud. Thanks for bringing a HUGE smile to my face and I hope tonight’s bath is much less eventful.

  • I can SOOOO relate. The same thing happened to me last week. I hurried and got my son out of the tub and while I was cleaning up the remains, he toddled away and then went the remainder on the carpet (hey – I figured he was done!!). *sigh*. Out came the carpet cleaner and oxy clean! I’m right there with you!!! How come we get stuck with this job?

  • I can totally relate with your post; this happened more than once with my son in his pre-potty trained days. At least, his were never as long as his leg, but still gross, and oh, the cleaning that ensued afterward. Yuck! We had some of those squeezy toys, with holes on the bottom, and invariably, some of the mess got into those holes, and I could never get it all out, so away they went into the trash. I recently pulled out Jr. Asparagus that I had saved from those days (thinking that had somehow, miraculously stayed clean in the midst of all the mess) for my now young daughter, and gave it to her to play with in the tub. Guess what came out of that hole in the bottom when she squeezed??? Yuck! I don’t know what it is? Does the warm water of the tub relax boys’ bowel muscles? haha!

  • ok, can I just say YUCK!!! Poor you! I would have been gagging like crazy too!!!!

  • “I thought I would have to dice it up first.”

    That is when I lost it. 🙂

  • LOL!!!!! I’m laughing too hard to put a thought together! I am sorry you retched the whole time, though!

  • Make room for me on the “been there” bench.

    Wendy, that was so funny of your son.

  • As I type this, I don’t know whether to laugh or be sick!!! Laughing is winning out, but man, I feel for you!! Just goes to show that there are NO boundaries to a mother’s job!

  • LOL I’m laughing so hard! I really feel for you, though….one time I was babysitting (not even my kid!) and he did something similar. At least you had your husband there to take care of your son!

  • So many been there’s! When Gremlin was 3 he surprised me with some floaters. Must have surprised him too cause he looked them and said, “Hey, I didn’t bring those in here!”

  • That is so gross and so funny at the same time. We have had poop in the bath before too and it is gag-inducing. On a related note, something strange is going on with this pregnancy. I don’t mind the poopy diapers of Monster (two years old) but wiping the bottoms of my older children totally makes me gag. Isn’t that strange? It is much cleaner to do the second, but it grosses me out.

    Way to not puke.

  • I apologize, but I’m laughing my A off!!! Thanks for the giggle 🙂

  • Ok – that was a two snorter post! I don’t laugh out loud a lot, but that got me going. You are a brave brave woman!

  • What do you mean this is the first time this has happened to you?? Gracious…it really “coulda been worse.” Really. Just trust me on that. ‘K?

  • Okay … from this day on I will not be able to read your blogs at work anymore! The ensuing laughter and snorting is too hard to explain.

    Been there, done that, have the T-shirt!

    Both of my sons did the same thing when they were Jensen’s age. And my reaction was pretty much the same as yours … except I attempted to block it from my mind instead of preserving the experience in writing.

    Thanks for reviving THAT particular memory!

  • If it weren’t for the fact of being so closely in tune with this scenario, I would be laughing. But seeing as how my 7 YO still poops LOGS, I can do nothing but cringe with you.

    I think you need a few drinks of wine to settle your stomach, not to mention your nerves.

    This is the part I hate about motherhood. Count your blessings that it was a log and not anything runny…

  • You provided our “mom read”…again… for this morning. Jensen stories beat Mozart chronicles hands down.

    This happened once to my hubby – he does not have your willpower. Dripping, screaming child held aloft while father retches, moans and son is lured to see what the fuss is about. More mess. Funny…….now.

  • MAN, that was some big poo! Kudos to you for managing to keep from blowing chunks! 😉 Thanks for sharing. I can remember quite a few incidents (that happened in public) with my kids that your story brought back. I’m not sure I would share them online – because just thinking about them might make me spew.

    Aren’t you glad it’s over?!

  • It should be noted that this unfortunate event actually occurred Tues. night. I wrote it Wed. Wednesday night Fiddledaddy gave Jensen his bath. He had Jensen wearing a Nemo Swim Diaper.

    I just thought you should know.

  • That story was soooooo funny. My co-workers wondered why I was laughing so hard.

    I had to comment on this story, thanks for making us laugh.

  • DeeDee, I don’t even know what to say (“better you than me” just doesn’t seem kind). I think the swim diaper thing is an awesome idea!

  • Laughing at your retching. Is that allowed? Hope so.

    May the rest of your bathing days be poop-free.

    (Why doesn’t Hallmark make that card?)

  • oh, my gosh…I laughed throughout the entire post…kudos to you for sticking around and being the strong one!
    Dixiechick

  • We have had a similar occurrence at our house. Totally gross. He was taking a bath with his younger sister at the time and it scarred both of them for a long time. She was scared to get a bath with her brother.

    We were laughing with you!

    At least…it wasn’t diarrhea!

  • Oh yes, it is possible to laugh so hard that snot hits your computer screen!

    Been there, friend……blech!

  • Not to play “I can beat that!”… when your youngest is on the end of a week-long “virus” that’s turned his butt into a big red flashing neon sign and does the same thing with his older sister in the tub as well. I don’t know who was more upset: the Vikings or me! LOL

    Let the cleaning and disinfecting begin! *wink*

  • This is my first time visiting ur blog – linked from justjessie – just wanted to say you have me laughing outloud at ur story! (And I am at work so this isnt the best thing for my future employment) I am a newlywed, have no kids, but enough babysitting experience that provides birth control…. this story tops all i have personally experienced… thanks for the laugh of the day!!!!

  • LOL ummm yeah I was taking a bath WIth my daughter whenshe was bout 6 months old and she let loose….alot of breast feed baby poop. yucko!

  • Yuck and double yuck to everyone else’s stories. What is it about the preciousness of motherhood that means we get to clean up all that stuff?

  • And that my dear is why I insist Dear man gives the baths at our house.

  • Oh you poor poor woman. I think they are drinking the same water because my sweet little angel pooped right on her stool yesterday while she was standing on it washing her hands. The top was made of a *deeply indented* non skid surface. A real joy to clean. I feel your pain Dee Dee.

  • oh what a day to be the mother!

  • It definetely could have been worse. That happened in our family twice…in the same week. And to be honest the poop wasn’t exactly compact (can I just leave it at that?)

    Oh the joy of parenting.

  • You are just too funny. Such a great description….I almost felt like I was there……thank goodness I wasn’t…..I would have lost my lunch.

    Thanks for the laughs.

  • what’s funniest to me is that I would bet not a single one of us would have found this nearly as hysterical prior to having children…Dee I too have been there with both boys at one time or another.
    HUGS
    steff

  • I beg of you once again to publish a book…please! The whole world NEEDS to read your stories. Oh my word, seriously, my back is hurting already from laughing that hard.

    And while reading this I really thought I could smell it. Now that’s some good writing!

  • Yup. Been there, done that. And I have three boys!!!

  • This has happened to the best of us!! I have 4 kids, and my youngest did the same thing when he was about 8 mos. Unfortunately, his sister was in the bath at the same time…she still talks about it!! It’s been 6 years!! We all still laugh about the torpedo in the tub!!! great story!!!

  • OH this was SOOO funny. I needed that laugh today!

    I laughed so hard reading this, I’m all pooped out.

    Sorry.

    😉

  • Seriously, you have only gotten to the tip of the iceberg, sister. I have been through the wringer with poop. Poop in the tub is EASY to me. I wish that were all I had to clean it from. That would be my dream life.
    Just this week I’ve posted what Sam has done with poop, and I have posted many, many times of Trinity’s shenanigans. All poopy shenanigans. Seriously. I’ve had poop figurines lovingly handcrafted and strategically placed on the stairs to decorate for me. But Sam, he eats it. And heaven help the soul that tries to take it away, be it his poop or the cat poop he snuck off to snack on.
    And then there was the fishy smelling poop incidents. Wherein we found out what poop smells like when kids eat cat food.
    A two foot long turd in the tub would be a joy.
    It really coulda been worse! LOL

  • Okay Lisa. You win. You just made me gag all over again. 🙂

  • Oh my goodness, my sides hurt. My little girl’s godmother (who doesn’t have kids) can’t get anywhere near her when she pops, but somehow, having your own kid, just raises the disgusting threshold. Well done!!