A few weeks ago I dropped Jensen off in the children’s Sunday School at our church. The prospect of doughnuts gets ordinary folks through the steeple doors, but not my son. The draw for Jensen, is the opportunity to play with the cars in his classroom. Fresh cars. Cars he doesn’t get to play with during the week. He has a wonderful stash of hotwheels at home, but he can spot a different car in a split second. This thrills me of course, because I’m able to peel him off of me long enough to attend church service with Fiddledaddy.
So, it’s kinds of like a date.
With 200 other people.
When I picked Jensen up from Sunday School, I didn’t notice until we were in the parking lot that he had lifted one of the cars belonging to his classroom. Not wanting to trudge back into church, I vowed to return it the next week. Which I did. I explained to them that my son is a klepto, and that they should pray over him in hopes that he changes his ways now and avoids a life of crime.
When I got home I found THE SAME CAR in his Power Rangers backpack.
Such a shame, as he really doesn’t look good in stripes.
This week we attended our first co-op of classes that my homeschool group offers. The girls are taking art, Karate, guitar, and worship dance. Jensen even has his own class for 2 and 3 year olds. I worried how he would adjust. Until I spied the box full of hotwheels cars in his classroom. These are his people. They understand his needs. But I warned sweet Emily, the children’s director, to always be sure and check his backpack carefully before he leaves.
When I came to collect him, true to form, he was clutching tightly, 3 beloved cars. I asked him to put them away so that we could visit them next week. He held on tighter. The battle of wills escalated into a full fledged skirmish, where he wrestled me to the floor, and I had to pry each car out of his chubby hands. It was an ugly tangle of arms, legs, and hotwheels. I emerged sweaty and disheveled.
I just love making a good impression on the first day of school.
When the wrestling match ended, and I was victorious, I picked up the wriggling, screaming mass of Jensen and hoisted him up on my hip. No easy feat since he’s weighing in at 40 pounds these days. He retaliated by grabbing my left breast and pinching as hard as he could.
It’s not like he hadn’t already done enough damage to me during the breastfeeding portion of our relationship. Violent nurser that he was. But, I didn’t flinch. I was ready for him. I was wearing my battle bra. The padded one. With the sturdy underwire.
For just such an occasion.
I wouldn’t think of wearing a padded bra for vanity sake. Oh no. I wear a padded bra for protection.
Because it’s less cumbersome than, say, body armor.
I conducted a thorough cavity search on Jensen and we left with no stolen matchbox cars.
As mothers, we wear a lot of different hats. Because our job description varies widely. Everything from chef to chauffeur, stylist to laundry maven.
And now you can just add crime fighter to my ever growing list.
I’m sort of like Wonder Woman. But without the tight abs and fabulous hair.
{ 30 comments }
Sounds to me like you’re more like the Bionic woman.
I was always returning things our oldest put in the youngest’s car seat.
It’s not the donuts that get me inside..it’s the coffee. Bad as it is, it the one day a week I get regular (not decaf) so I’m always first in line. LOL
But WITH the breastplate.
Godspeed Wonder Woman.
Oh my god you literally had me laughing out loud as I could envision you and this child on the floor engaged in this battle of wills!
Great story! It is so hard to separate boys and their love of matchbox cars. It only gets worse as they are older I do believe since I can’t separate my hubby from real cars! 
As a fellow mother-wrestler, I have to ask if you got the Lasso of Truth with your Wonder Woman outfit. Because that could come in handy.
“Are there any toys that don’t belong to you in your backpack/sweatshirt/pocket/diaper? Are there?!?”
BATTLE BRA. Oh my goodness.
It’s almost like you described my situation when picking my son up from preschool. Except he aims for the crotch…and I have yet to find padded undies.
I smell an invention….
YES! The P. bra is wonderful for such protections! You go, wonder woman.
If my son did that, I’d have to laugh the evil laugh. You can’t pinch what isn’t there, bra or no bra. HA! Take that, you little crab, you. (Now if he aimed for my belly, that would have been a different story.)
God bless us as we endure the trials, tribulations and battle scars of motherhood. I think we’re all gonna need it…
Why do they always go for the boob?! Honestly, I never thought about going padded – thanks for the idea!!
Sweet mercy! It’s moments like this you glare at the dad for giving them the idea.
Did you know those little bundles of terror have pressure points? Every time I squeezed the inner thigh they would drop like they were tazered. Well hey if cops can say it’s better than shooting the perp than couldn’t we use the same justification??
Oh, I’m so laughing at the “Battle Bra”. Wonderful!
My son, who is now 4, is also comforted by cars. He just loves them! He talks to them, turns them over to put them to sleep, lines them up…. If only the cars could teach him how to use the potty without fussing and throwing a fit.
You know, I had a relative who had this same thing happen with her son. He fell in love with a small toy from preschool and kept sneaking it home with him.
Her solution was to tell him, “Okay, you can have it. It’s just a small toy and the school has many of them. They won’t even miss it.”
This was her parenting style, in general. To avoid conflict and be the good guy.
Well, he certainly hasn’t turned out well at all. (He is now in his twenties.)
So hold your head up high as he throws those tantrums and makes a big scene over the little things. Better now than when he’s a teenager and stealing real cars!! And keep wearing your armourbra!
You are HILARIOUS.
I’ve been reading for a little while now and I’m hooked. You crack me up.
My kid is only 19 months and has lifted more than her share of toys from church
That was great, I laughed out loud at the idea of carrying the squirming, kicking and ready to battle little boy out after that adventure.
Great tribute to all the wondermoms in the world
It’s too bad you are in Florida, cuz it would be an interesting experiment to see which of our little guys can throw the biggest tantrum and drag mom through the ringer faster. It sounds like it would be a tie most times!
We just gotta stay strong, eventually they will grow up!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! I laughed out loud at work reading this and got “the look” from the boss and a coworker
They also enjoyed the story – glad to know I’m not the only one with a matchbox crazed kid . . . and my little dude is 7! It never ends.
hehe…Maybe a 10 step program for the little guy? Who knows you may be able to get a 2 fer 1 deal! Might as well
address that little drug addiction as well! :0)
“Hello..My name is Jensen…I’m 2 years old and I’m a recovering drug addict/kleptomaniac.”
“It’s been 1 week since my last “neutragena fix” and at least 3 days since I lifted any of my beloved matchbox cars.”
“No….REALLY!”
“Please pray my sticky fingers remain empty and may my pie hole contain nothing more than well…….PIE!”
LOL!
Don’t forget your sneakers tonight DeeDee and maybe eat a light supper so you can move a bit faster! hehe
Hopefully the prayers going up in your behalf will grant you lightning speed to keep up with your newest little Awana addition as well as a rainfree outing so the little fellas clothes remain intact. And last but certainly not least we pray that God makes certain all flying bricks are indeed FOAM and by all means Lord keep DeeDee’s twitching to a minimum lest someone fears she’s having a seizure and slams her to ground for her own protection!
)
I’m already ~~twitch twitch twitching~~ for ya girlie!
Got O.R.E.O.S?? :0)
By the way…..
The Awana child hit closer to home than I first realized. MY foster sons name was SAMUEL and we called him “Sammy”! Funny eh? Course I think your safe since my former little guy would now be 15! hehe
Good Luck!
Trina
My 2-year old loves cars too. Friends of ours have the Cars (Lightning and friends) cars, and I always have to pry them out of Monster’s hands before we leave. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and I’m not just talking about the kid. His aunt is buying him his own set of Cars cars for his b-day.
My son loved cars too when he was little. I’m so glad that the movie Cars came out now instead of 10 or 12 years ago. But now I’m experience a whole different issue with cars. First Driver’s License!!!
AAAAHHHHH!!!!
LOL Oh my goodness I laughed at the pinching/nursing pain! I am SO there! Sam wakes me up with a nasty bite every night! I even bled last night!
But, I have a way to get back at those boys, I do. Wait until they are teens and then dig through old family photos and then……… well, you’ll have to check out my blog and see just what I’ve done on my Wordless Wednesday. friendrateronline.com
It works for me, my friend, it works for me.
Too funny!!!!
oh that boy!
LOL!!!!! Ok I can just see you wrapping the magic laso around your lil’ superhero.
Ah, sorry for your pain, but thanks for the great post! You’re one of my new favorites! Keep smiling!
Funny, funny, funny! Can’t stop laughing over here.
My son has become a toy theif too. I have started finding random toys in his bag that I know are not his. No wrestling matches yet though. Hee hee.
Oh, I know you were thinking through the whole battle that I can’t wait to get home and blog about this! Hilarious!
This one just made my day! Hilarious!
OH MY GOODNESS! you made me laugh out loud.
I’ve got an award for you. Stop by my blog when you get a chance and grab it up.
Been awhile since I’ve been here…sorry. Hope all is well in your world.
Owwieee! So glad you had the foresight to wear your padding! What a little pipsqueak that Jensen is!
So funny! My 21 month old is obsessed with cars, too. I´m sure he would steal them if he had the chance, but we don´t know any other little boys or go anywhere with cars.
Thanks for the padded bra idea! That´s a good one. Dorian ALWAYS goes for the boob. And he wasn´t even breastfed!
I’m laughing because prying a car out of a chubby hand is my daily battle, too. And he’s almost 4 and there isn’t an end in sight.
At least they are only 99 cents.
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