I’ve sunk to an all new low, ya’ll. First of all, if you’re here from Tales From The Scales wondering how I’m doing on my weight loss plan, avert your eyes. Then just turn and walk away slowly, shaking your head in mock sympathy.
I’ve not only fallen off the wagon, but I let it run me over. And then back up and run me over again.
I’ll be going along just fine, eating all my fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and all that cr stuff. When all of a sudden, I’m hit with an irresistible urge to consume cookies. Usually once a month. Odd, that timing.
I found myself in Publix over the weekend, innocently shopping for vegetables. This was after a quick stop at McDonald’s where we ordered grilled chicken snack wraps. Only they accidentally gave us fried chicken. I knew we’d hit pay dirt when Emme exclaimed, “OH. My. Goodness. My favorite kind of chicken!”
Waste no, want not. So we scarfed it down in record time.
Okay, back to Publix. Quite by accident, I meandered down the cookie aisle. I spied a coupon thingy. You know the ones. They blink at you, thusly taunting you with “take me, take me.” This particular coupon was for $1.25 off of two bags of Sugar-Free Cookies. Okay. Sold. So I threw two bags into the cart. One was an Oreo type knockoff (which you know I can’t say “no” to) and the other was chocolate chip. My family was waiting in the van for me, so I magnanimously offered to share my cookies. I counted out 3 cookies per kid, and that left a good bag and a half for me and Fiddledaddy.
And then for dinner, I had the audacity to FRY the yellow squash I had just purchased. FRY people. With OIL. In my defense, I did use whole wheat flour. BUT STILL.
Then, after dinner I ate more cookies. Until there were only 3 left. Which I placed in a sealed baggy. And then I went in search of the Pepto Bismol, complaining bitterly about how bad I felt. Fiddledaddy wasn’t doing too well either, and I noticed that we all had a bit of gas.
Some more than others.
Fiddledaddy fished the cookie wrappers out of the trash and read the label on the back. Since they are sweetened with Maltitol, the warning read, “Excessive consumption may lead to a laxative effect.” The serving size was 3 cookies.
I ate 32.
The “laxative effect” that they spoke of was all wrong, by the way. I should be so lucky. A laxative effect would have been a welcome relief. The words really ought to be replaced with “painful gaseous explosiveness.”
So, it was an uncomfortable night for everyone concerned. I vowed NEVER to eat those again, or anything of a fried nature, amen. Last night, Fiddledaddy informed me that he had thrown the last 3 remaining baggied cookies in the kitchen trash the night before. And he waited for my reaction. He knows that I’m not above rummaging through the trash to retrieve something that I deem delicious, in my desperation.
I didn’t even blink. “Good riddance,” I said, and went about my business.
Then after lunch today (a very healthy lunch, btw) I started thinking about those cookies. In the bottom of the kitchen trash. Cookies that had now been in the bottom of the kitchen trash for a good day and a half. And what a waste it was just to throw perfectly good cookies away.
When Fiddledaddy was otherwise occupied, I dug through the trash. Oh yes I did. At least this time I didn’t have to go out to the curb. And I was fully prepared for an explanation, should I be caught. “Um, I was just taking out the trash.” Which was the truth. As I had to take out the majority of the contents and set them on the kitchen floor, which needed to be mopped anyway, to find the baggy of cookies. And there they were. At the very bottom of the kitchen trash. I pulled out the baggy, dusted it off, and carefully put the old trash back into the receptacle. In the right order. No one would be the wiser.
The baggy smelled a little, well, trashy, but it was sealed after all. The cookies were still crunchy. A good sign. I detected a slightly odd taste, but by the third cookie it no longer mattered.
Waste not, want not. And besides, a serving size is three cookies, right? That’s not excessive consumption at all.
Now, if I can just remember where I put that bottle of Pepto, everything will be all right.
Until next month.
{ 50 comments }
I’ve been there my friend,, I’ve been there.
There was this time… in band camp… No really!
The night before practice, back when they had just come out with Sorbitol (back in the day), I thought I’d run to the corner store and buy some sugar free candy! Well a friend and I spied some yummy little gummy bears. We bought a POUND! and we ate them all.
Keep in mind,, we’re like 15 and sugar free means you can eat them all right?
wrong.
Here I am in the 90+ heat standing at attention with my baton when I feel and hear the rumble. This is no ordinary rumble, this is the rumble that says if I come out of 4th ballet position I’m going to crap down my leg.
I’m holding it,, I’m SWEATING (it had nothing to do with the heat!) and apparently loosing all the color in my face. I knew this later because my gummy bear friend looked over at me and yelled “I THINK CRYSTAL IS GOING TO BE SICK!” I ran like the wind to the dorms!
thank God for her or I would have lost in right there in my majorette shorts!
She told me later that it had hit her much earlier that morning and she knew “the look”
Oh yeah, it didn’t keep me from eating them again,, but I learned to refrain from eating so many!
We all do it. All of us. Otherwise we would all be skinny. Think of it this way, if you would have been given a double cheese burger with bacon, it would have had so much more junk in it then some crispy chicken. I think of baby steps. You ate the veggies. You fried them, but at least you got some veggies instead of something worse.
As for the cookies…when I want to ditch something that I will be tempted to eat later — you can tell hubby this, I drench it with water first. Then I throw it away in our garage trash container which stinks to high heaven. I had to throw away 5 power bars because although they were technically “good for me”, they were covered with chocolate and were making me crave chocolate all the time.
Take care, just gather your internal forces and go on from here. Every day is where the battle is. You might have ended up with some scars the other day, but today is a new day. Don’t get weary in well-doing (well-dieting)!
Healthful eating has left me unable to eat fried foods anymore.
Cookies. . . I can’t even bring them in the door. You’re so generous to even SHARE. I hoard them. Cookies are so yummy and wonderful to eat.
i’m also a cookie-aholic. my husband laughs and laughs at me. for me, its an entire sleeve (well, almost) of chips-a-hoy!!! so, we don’t buy them very often to keep the temptation down!!!
i’m LOLing that you’d dig ‘em outta the bottom of the trash though — that’s some serious desperation!
I am laughing so hard. This is hillarious. And me to a Tee.
32 cookies! Rummaging through the trash for cookies. HA! Funny, funny stuff.
Dude! That was nasty! Dang funny, but nasty! I LOVE it when your PMS springs up…I spend half my time in stitches over those posts!
I’m just impressed you ordered the grilled chicken wraps. Right then and there you blew me out of the water.
I had my first experience with sugar alcohol when I had been on a low carb diet for a loooong time. You can imagine how much I ate when I finally found zero carb chocolate! Thank goodness I was at home alone!
That was so wrong.
Eww. Eww. Eww.
ROTFLOL!
I’ve really fallen off my diet, too. I was doing so good. Those dang Double Chocolate Milano Pepperidge Farm Cookies are killing me. I will not keep buying them. And sneaking them when the kids are in the other room working on math while I lie to them and say I’m just going to check on the baby. Anymore. After tomorrow.
~Heather
Due to health issues I have to keep my sugar intake to a minimum. We buy a lot of sugar free cookies. I used to be the person who could eat a whole pan of brownies or a whole bag of cookies. After eating more than the recommended amount a few times I have learned two things–read the package and keep simethicone on hand. It does the trick.
It doesn’t surprise me ONE BIT that you would forage for cookies. Not one bit. I am just surprised that you told us. Shameless!!! Just like me!!!
Hey Dee-Dee,
I’ve been reading your blog for at least a year, and I’ve been putting off mentioning something because I find your PMS posts so funny….
But, I wanted to tell you that there is doctor who studied PMS and found that women who get it bad are usually deficient in magnesium and in B vitamins. The guy is a real MD who did real controlled, published, peer-reviewed studies. He designed a multi-vitamin pill for women with PMS, called Optivite. When I take these every day, I never get PMS. No bloating. Very little cramping. No mood swings. Much fewer choco cravings. When I don’t take them, I go back to having PMS. I thought I’d let you know; maybe it might help if you looked into it.
What.a.HOOT!!
My father-in-law was bad the other week! He bought us 3 cartons of cookies!! One was a pack of Oreos, another was some vanilla with cream in the middle kind of cookies, and the other was chocolate chip!!
Then the other day I fixed a batch of pnut butter cookies! It’s hard to eat healthy! But all those are sooo good!
We are definitely twin sisters separated at birth.
ROFL
You know, for the two bites they are those McDonalds chicken wraps (even grilled) don’t seem like such a low calorie-low fat bargain. And I was so upset to learn that my favorite “small” mcdonald’s sandwich (Filet-o-fish, yes, i love me a fried fish patty!) has 400 calories and 18 grams of fat! AAuughh!
I learned the HARD way in order to avoid dumpster diving – I must EMPTY the contents of said bag into the trash – that is one thing I WONT do – it eat trashy food – YET!!! Why is it we feel as though we MUST eat them to get them out of the house and away from us – besides it is just as many calories if you just eat them NOW!
that is hilarious!
I’m with you girl, on the CRAVING sweets especially once a month! I usually will bake a chocolate pie and maybe some brownies too!
Terrible, I know. But, I must say, I’ve never dug thru the trash for something sweet! You are TOO FUNNY!
Man killer cramps and a tsunami of, um, gas – all hail queen DeeDee. Able to withstand things that send most mortals to the hospital.
Sorry to laugh at your pain but that was funny!! Disturbing, but funny!
As skinny as you are what are you freaking out about? Okay, you’re not a size 0 anymore but sheesh cut yourself some slack? Just hang out with me I’ll make you look really skinny! Fat people – the new fashion accessory. You know we’ll always feed you – the real stuff. I always have pads/tampons/chocolate AND midol in my purse. Let’s see Barbie do that!
Oh, Dee Dee, we are not shaking our heads at you, we are nodding in agreement. Total agreement.
Your adventures always bring a smile to my face…even if it involves gas.
That’s why I don’t buy “sugar-free” ANYTHING. Ever. Don’t do it. Baaaaad for you. Better to eat the sugar and have regular ol’ indigestion than the “explosive gaseous” eruptions.
I, too, learned my lesson the hard way.
LOL! I am laughing so hard I am crying!! Even my husband (who I made listen to me read the essay outloud) is laughing.
Hey, y’all stop giving Dee Dee advice on how to get rid of her PMS. If she does we won’t have all these funny posts to read!
That – is – hiLARious. I was actually laughing out loud. You need to write a book!!
Thanks for the giggles. I sure know where to come when I need them.
yeah…anything sugar free or Fat free just shouldn’t be eaten in large quanities. Actually, either should cherries. I foudn that out the hard way!
Two words: Activated Charcoal. Keep some handy for those unpleasant and unwanted gas attacks. Works like a charm.
And I find it’s best to just keep the offending food out of the house. I’m on a restricted diet and anytime I know there’s an offending food lurking it becomes an obsession. Out of site, out of mind is the only way to go sometimes.
ok, on cookie eating- can someone please explain to me why my DH can eat a WHOLE CONTAINER of cookies and not gain a pound while I on the other hand look at them and gain 5!
You are too funny! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your posts!!!
Oh my goodness I am laughing so hard right now!! I needed that laugh tonight!!
Thanks DeeDee and I am soo enjoying your blog since I’ve found it!!
Pitiful. Since I can see that rummaging through the trash is not going to be a once or a twice in a lifetime deal I am determined to see if anyone sells clear trash bags. I just hate the thought of you on your hands and knees digging frantically when you could just pull the trash bag out and spot your treasures within seconds and then the foaming at the mouth wouldn’t be as much. I dunno, maybe you enjoy the thrill of the hunt too!
For me it’s Little Debbie Nutty Bars. MMM….chocolate and peanut butter yumminess. A friend gave me a box on Thursday. Friday I ate 3 packages myself – that’s 6 bars! I felt pretty sick. But it was so yummy at the time!
A low point in my choco craving? Scarfing down two or three Viactiv vitamin chews because they’re chocolate.
Lawd have mercy.
Thank you for making me laugh today!
Oh my! You crack me up. I feel your pain–yesterday I ate an entire bag of pita chips.
Ok, I know better than to drink or eat while reading your blog. So I refrained, thankfully. But as I sat her nursing my little man reading my list of favorite blogs and I saw your post about laxative effects, I truely did not see it coming, because there really isn’t that much funny about laxatives.
But oh my gosh, when you said “explosive gas” I about died laughing!
and my little man? he thought I was laughing at him and his cuteness and hammed it all up for me, laughing and smilling at me, and now he thinks I’m totally smitten with him, hehe. (Like I wasn’t already!)
Oh dear, too funny!
I have found that the little 100 calorie packs of cookies are good for my cravings. My favorites are the Keebler Fudge Shoppe Grasshoppers. They taste VERY similar to the GS Thin Mints. (I can eat a box of those in 10 minutes with a big ol’ glass of milk! And my good friend just happened to save a few boxes in her freezer for me! With friends like that………)
Drenching the cookies in water might not be enough. Better put them down the garbage disposal. Or have someone else do so!
That was the most hilarious thing I’ve read in ages! I can SO relate! Although I’ve never dug food out of the garbage. Yet.
Oh LORD that was some funny stuff! Not laughing at you…laughing…OK, laughing at you!
Better luck this week!
Thanks for making me laugh. This happens to us all sometimes, today is a new day sweet one.
You have cracked me up today! I can relate! I haven’t done the trash hunt yet, though. I’m sure it’s coming one day.
Hang in there!!!!!
Thank you for this. I wish I knew you for real. I am convinced we would be friends. Especially after today’s post.
you are so funny! totally unrelated-or maybe not-but my 3 yo son walked up while i was reading your blog and said, “she wear a scary green mask like you mommy.”
i knew you would appreciate his observation!
Been there. Done that. Too funny. You’re a “hoot”.
Hugs!
Kat
i’ve re read this two or three times just to have a good laugh. You crack me up!
Hey I am new to your blog . I am not sure I am gonna come back… just kidding. Pretty gross, but my trash can holds poopy diapers so that was all I could think of lol. Hope there were none in yours. I enjoyed reading your story, makes me never want to eat cookies again. I love motivation like that.
I know I’m commenter #4,259 or so — but I’m going to post anyway… just in case you are bored and reading every single one of these comments.
HEY — I get SF fudgsicles and have one a day… unless I’m PMSing then I have 2.. or more. They are a life saver and they don’t do to me what those stupid cookies do to me. Don’t ask me why. But that chocolate taste — just does the trick!
But when my dh asks me where all the Fudsicles have gone — be prepared to DUCK buddy…
Can. Not. Quit. Giggling.
And crying from empathy.
Darn you, you hormones!
You are hilarious…thank you for making me laugh! On a side note though I am sorry for the pain that I am sure you endured and smelled! I cannot even believe that you dug through the trash for more, but can understand that a girl has to do what a girl has to do. There’s always next week for Tales from the Scales!
Mel
Bwaaahhaaaaa! I have tears streaming down my face and if that wasn’t bad enough I went and read the comments!
Joanna post #19
“Fat people – the new fashion accessory. ” ROFL!!
And poor Katiebod post #31
Overdosing on her “Viactiv vitamin chews because they’re chocolate”
HaHaHa!
Thanks for the laughs girlies :0)
Trina
I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thank you. Thank you.
My dear husband works for a company that rents trucks to another company that delivers cookies and other goodies. He brings home boxes of cookies that are FREE all the time. Oreo’s, nutter butters…you name it he can get it. It’s like having your own dealer when you have pms. He comes home from work at 1:00 AM and I meet him at the door “you got the stuff.”
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