Sunday night, Fiddledaddy and I settled in to watch “The Tony Awards.” Of all the awards shows, The Tonys are by far my favorite. It’s not the beautiful designer duds, or the musical numbers, or the witty repartee between the presenters. And I would be willing to bet money that Harvey Feinstein had an empty flask in his vest pocket. Just an observation.
What I love about the Tonys are the actors. I love their hand covered expressions when they win, their unbridled excitement, and their heartfelt over-the-top speeches of acceptance. Stage actors are a different breed of actor. Often, these are the men and women of the acting world that really know what it’s like to pay their dues. To suffer for their art. To strive and struggle. And they are larger than life.
I fell in love with the theater when I was in college. When it finally sank in that I would not ever be Miss America, I turned to the world of community theater. The first stage show I was ever cast in was “Love Rides The Rails” at the Melodrama Playhouse in San Antonio. I played Fifi, the fetching French barmaid who had a heart of gold, but was stupid as a stick. And had a bosom that made it difficult to put on her stiletto heels over her fishnet black stockings. I only have two words to say about that. Excessive padding, ya’ll.
On opening night, I stood shaking behind the curtain waiting for my first entrance. My excitement was matched only by the nagging feeling that I could very well vomit at any moment. It could have been nervous butterflies, or the beef & bean burrito I wolfed down on my way to the theater. I was under the delusional thinking that I had a cast iron stomach, and a burrito would be a good dining choice.
I was erroneous.
Midway through Act 2, I was suppose to hop across the stage with my hands and feet bound. All while wearing my painful stiletto heels. And a severely padded bra. The “villain” in the play was also bound and hopping right behind me. My stage direction was to hop hop hop across the stage, and exit stage left. Simple enough. What I didn’t count on was the gaseous expulsion that would plague me every time my stiletto heels hit theground. Oh yes, I farted on stage. Many, many times before I could reach the safety of the wings. Fortunately for me, the audience was booing loudly at the villain and weren’t privy to the emissions. The villain, however, couldn’t escape the cloud as he dutifully hopped behind me. When he also reached a safe distance away from both me and the audience, he fell down laughing to the ground, while still bound. His next entrance was delayed a bit. I sat backstage and reassessed both my career and dinner choice.
Undaunted, I went on to perform more theatre roles in Dallas and finally Los Angeles over the next 10 years. The majority of my life’s most embarrassing moments happened either on a stage, or in the presence of stage actors. And yes, it usually involved body functions. And that’s all I’m giving up right now.
And while I’m perfectly content as a wife and mother here in Armpit, Florida, I’ve always been the type of gal that has needed a creative outlet. A “what I want to be when I grow up” kind of vision. In my 20’s, it was acting. My 30’s brought about the painting years. And now that I’m firmly planted in my 40’s, I adore writing.
But, I’m beginning to look ahead to the next decade of my life. I think I might take up dance. The type of dance I decide upon will be entirely dependent on the extent of our medical coverage.
So, your turn. What do you want to be when you “grow up”?
{ 41 comments }
Oh my goodness! I so can relate to what you just said… except, my most embarrassing gaseous explosion was in the presence of my very first boyfriend. Yes. When I was a teenager. I am still going for therapy.
Backup singer for Dolly Parton. None of the pressure of a headliner, but all the spangles and fringe one body can handle. It’s so obviously a win-win
When I grow up, I wanna be someone who can ask for butt paste advice and get 76 comments back. Or a size 8 grandma. But if Icould be anything regardless of talent or lack thereof, I would be in a Broadway musical in the chorus. It all stems from my high school appearance in the well-known classical musical, “Something in the Air Feels Like Tomorrow.” No kidding.
I was a drama buff as well, working in all sorts of little theatre productions before “grown up life.” I should tell you about the time I was a pink panther (literally), went to the bathroom and forgot to move my tail out of the way. Yes, that was great to wring out before going back on stage! I’d actually love to go back to it, but first the boys must grow up. But definitely fun to think about it.
Today you were mentioned on my writers’ loop as an example of someone who writes “funny”. True to life. : ) I laughed out loud at the image of you hopping across stage leaving a trail behind you. It’s real life and I’m glad someone admits to it! We’ve all experienced those moments.
As a writer, I love your writing.
Suzie Eller (T. Suzanne)
Oh.y. Goodness. You had me laughing out loud. Still giggling here, just so you know. Me, I think you should be a writer when you grow up, a comedic one, maybe ono a blog. Oh, and an awesome homeschooling mom.
You know, I have been thinking about this queastion a lot lately, I think I want to be an artist when I grow up, maybe one that designs blogs and runs a Christian artist ministry on the side–and an awesome homeschooling mom.
That’s hilarious.
I wanna be a rock star. Or I would settle for a career in country music. I dream big.
Oh my gosh! I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe! How is it that so many first roles involve stiletto heels over her fishnet black stockings? I took my turn in a similar role, when I was skinny as a stick and wore a severely padded bra. My feet hurt just thinking about the shoes.
In high school, our band marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I played the French horn in pit orchestras on Broadway in the mid ’80′s. I am now a midwife and that’s all I ever wanted to be. Maybe I don’t dream big enough.
Your story reminded me of an old friend of mine who farts every time she laughs. EVERY time. People should just have friends like that!
When I grow up I want to be a bounty hunter. The DAWG makes it look so much fun!
I’m sitting next to Char in therapy for the EXACT same thing. In 8th grade, I was in Annie and fell in love (but it was a short lived affair as the 45 minute drive to the theater did not mix well with being a Band geek and straight A student).
I want to be a photographer when I grow up!
“Love Rides the Rails” was the first show my husband was in! Cool! I ate the Tonys up, too. I agree that it is by far the best awards show. The reactions are great, the dancing gives me goose bumps, and I cry at the singing. It so makes me want to do a show! But the Jersey Boys cast seemed like they were the ones that had tipped a few back before they came out.
My most embarassing stage moments include flubbed lines and faulty wardrobes…nothing like your skirt splitting right up to the waistband right before you go out to be an annoyed library patron for “Marian the Librarian”…
I want to be a photographer, or a dancer. In my head, I already am a professional dancer. But then my kids or husband laugh and I rethink my choice…
Oh my gosh, I’m dying here. The image I’m getting of that hop across the stage is almost more than I can stand.
Where on earth is Armpit, Florida? My map must be old.
It’s a little embarrassing, after reading all your lofty goals, but what I want to be when I grow up is a wife and mommy. LOL
A high school government teacher. I have a poli sci degree, but no certification or education classes. Someday I’ll go back.
A child.
I could so relate to your embarrassment. Thanks for the laugh!
Oh my goodness, I am cracking up over here! And you just reminded me that I dreamed last night about tooting in church.
I guess my only dream about “when I grow up” is to be financially fit to the point that we can open and operate a luxury pet hotel, as well as rescue abandoned and stray dogs.
You are one talented cookie!
What I am is what I want to be “the one who gets to spend all of “dears” money, creatively”
Blessings on your many talented expressions. I appreciate the benefits…
you crack me up! when i grow up i want to be the president of your fan club.
Hilarious!!
I think I should be BOTH a WRITER and an ACTOR on Saturday Night Live – not because I think they are funny but because I believe I AM FUNNY- (but only if you know me and my crazy life!)
I always wanted to grow up to be the next Oprah. You know talking all the time and giving away money and having fun, fun, fun (and getting paid for it too).
I’ve also toyed with the idea of being a professional shopper. You know, one of those women you pay to buy your clothes for you because they are so skinny and trendy and up-to-the-minute on fashion. But then I remember, Walmart doesn’t have a need for professional shoppers so I’m sunk.
I’ve flirted with the idea of becoming a farm girl and raising my own chickens and produce. THAT sounds like alot of work, but as a foodie it seems so agrarian-cool I can’t stand it. I’d raise chickens here but our suburban bylaws forbid it.
So I guess right now I’ll just settle for doing this stay-at-home thing forever (or as long as I can ride it).
When I grow up I want to be able to write like Fiddledee!!
I have to say that I was telling a couple of my friends about your blog. I’m totally new to all of this and I’m a baby blogger (with only two posts – pathetic). I was foundly remembering your book meme and when I got to the ‘I.P. Nightly’ my friend sprayed her pop across the table. Totally worth it. Thanks for the laughs and keep ‘em coming!
Man, that was hysterical! I want to go back to college and earn good grades instead of good doodling skills.
I am like Joanna. I’d LOVE to be able to write like you! I’m sooooo far from that. I’d love to be the mommy and wife who is organized, can fix meals from scratch, keep the house in tip-top shape, and still have time at the end of the day to have decent discussion with my husband. Right now, I get off work, do a quick meal or run by the local cafeteria for our supper, get my son ready for bed, then pass out. Can hardly ask my dear husband about his day!
If I had a lick of talent, I’d be a singer/songwriter. I always thought I had talent when I was a kid I’d sit and listen to ‘You Light Up my Life’ with my headphones on and singing alone with my finger over one of my ears. I was sure I was great! Hmph, what happened?
I loved your gaseous explosion on stage – isn’t it amazing what embarassing moments you can laugh at later.
Ooh, I love this question. From the time I was 4 until I was about 20 I wanted to be a paleontologist. Had it all planned out, then my husband came along, so all I wanted was to be a wife. From age 24 to the present and beyond I want to be the best mama ever. After my babies are grown, I want to be a world travelling yarn shop owner who takes photographs for National Geographic. Totally attainable. Loved your post, by the way.
Oh my word! That is soooo funny. I laughed so hard I snorted!!! (and scared my poor children out of 5 years growth!)
Let’s see….I used to wanna be a cattle truck driver, a policeman in NYC (what was I thinking?) and an actress. Now I think I just wanna be a grown up. At my age though, I’m thinking it’s a bit late for that to happen. LOL
Oh and was Harvey Feinstein’s flask empty or full? LOl
I absolutely LOVED this post! I can’t wait to read it to my husband tonight. He thinks your blog is way more interesting than mine.
The last time I was on-stage, I was Maria in “The Sound of Music” my senior year in high school. And there was a line I forgot every – single – night. Never failed. I also got a dress stuck on my head during one of my quick changes. That was fun!
I can’t wait to be free to get back on stage once in awhile…I love it so much!
Right now, I am totally content being wife & mommy etc… It’s where God wants me, so I’m good.
But – what I want to be when I grow up is a direct-entry midwife. Bringing babies into the world in their own homes is my big dream.
Let’s see…my 20s made me a musician. I’m in my early 30s and it’s “managing my boys” vs writing…jury is still out for this decade. Still miss playing in wind ensembles, though.
If and when I grow up, I want to be a writer…or a crime scene investigator….even though I know in “real life” they have to wear those icky paper hair nets, and paper booties….the csi’s…not the writers…although, if it would help me get published…..
I have tears in my eyes from laughing. You are a mess!
skinny
My daughter loves acting and theater and all things that struck fear in me back in high school. I don’t know where she gets her fearlessness from, I couldn’t have ever memorized lines and been on stage but she loves it.
I also have the problem of passing gas in the presence of others (something I like to attribute to the after effects of childbirth). I use to work in the Intensive Care Unit of our local hospital, and would frequently slip out a, not loud, but stinky, toot. Thankfully the ICU is no stranger to foul smells and most of the time my toot was credited to the poor, ill patient I was caring for. Now, I work in the Family Birth Center and find it more difficult to blame my stinkys on a tiny little baby.
When I was little, I wanted to be a fighter pilot like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Now, I’ll just settle for being a college graduate since it seems SO VERY FAR AWAY at this point. I think I might finally realize my dream of being a high school English teacher and then later, a college professor, when I’m old and grey. Well, oldER and greyER.
thanks for the laugh. i want to grow up to be a doctor. it would save on co-pays with three boys in the house (and a little girl for them to beat up on).
OMGosh, what a giggle you gave us over here! Please feel free to get it all off your chest, we’re here for you!
What a hoot! I love embarassing stage stories! This one is tops, though. With that thought in mind I shall have to blog about a recent episode wherein I did not have suspenders and gravity pulled my trousers to the ground during a recent opera dress rehearsal. Thanks for the story!
Oh, that’s a wonderful story! So vivid, so lovely, so gassy! Thank you for sharing. And I can’t believe the nerve of some people (lady in the grocery store with son named Damien). And from my experience,if you are going to name a kid Damien, expect the worst.
It seems you’ve grown up there in Armpit and are now a writer.
That laugh made my day, well, week, well, year.
I miss you!!!!!
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