I wanted to address a little hornets nest I’ve stirred up. First of all, y’all know that mine is not necessarily the pinnacle blog on which public opinion revolves. Praise God for that. I steer away from political issues, and avoid contentious religious debate. In other words, I run from controversy as though I were ablaze. On my blog, that is. Get me together with my family and a bottle of Port and I have no trouble airing my laundry.
But that’s besides the point.
In my last post, I addressed the issue of smoking, and how I’m hoping to handle it with my kids. It’s a very personal and difficult issue with me, and I was trying to keep it light and as entertaining as possible. Because that’s what I do. I attempt to dig deep enough until I can find something humorous in just about every aspect of my life. It keeps me from losing my mind. But, sometimes I dig just deep enough to “step in it.”
I received an e-mail from a very sweet reader who was deeply hurt by my post, and the kind of dialogue that it spawned in the comments section. We’ve been talking back and forth this afternoon, and I can certainly see why she was hurt. She is someone who has had her family turned upside down by lung cancer and her own inability to stop smoking. And the Lord knows, she’s trying. She was upset that there are many of us who may be teaching or encouraging our kids to ridicule public smokers. I assured her that I don’t let my kids single out and ridicule anyone. We have a great deal of “dialogue” with our kids if we feel that happening. I’ve tried to instill in my kids how very difficult it is to stop smoking. And how some people really want to quit, but haven’t had success. I want to teach my children, above all, to have compassion for others. Not to judge or ridicule.
Some comments to my post were very offensive to her. I assured her that we get a little silly over here, and no harm was meant. Still, this is a wakeup call to me. Sometimes what we write isn’t always perceived the way we intend.
So, if anyone else was offended, I offer my most humble of apologies. It is never my intention to offend.
Next weeks topic will include a rousing political debate on global warming. I’m just kidding. Of course we’ll be discussing PMS and projectile vomiting.
Have a wonderfully blessed weekend everyone!
Fiddledeedee
{ 12 comments }
I, too, am sorry if I offended her in anyway. If you read this please be assured that I have never taught my children to look down on people who smoke, or are fat, or bald, or look different. I teach my kids that God loves each and everyone of us. No one is better than anybody else. No one.
I am sorry if my comment hurt you.
I found your piece on smoking heartfelt and true. I used to be a smoker, and what made me quit was other people telling me how nasty it was, and how bad it made me smell! There is nothing that has more impact on you, then children telling you you shouldn’t smoke. I think most of the embarassment I felt, came deep down from myself, because I knew it wasn’t a smart thing to do. If you are close enough to a child to hear their comment, you should probably not be smoking anyway.
I was one of those kids who always had a pack of candy cigarettes in my sleeve rolled up, we would buy them at the candy store. One thing led to another and I was smoking at eleven. It was a thing that I enjoyed right from the get go, because it gave me some sort of status that I didn’t have as the brat sister of six siblings. It took me years later to “get” why I started at all.
I quit when I was pregnant with my first child, never smoked until I was going through a horrible divorce and started up just to piss of my husband. But I got hooked again and smoked on and off until 1998 when I remarried and again got pregnant. I have not had one since then, but the urge doesn’t go away for me.
Reformed smoker, I swear I smell it more and it affects me more because I can smell smoke miles away, I swear. If someone drives past smoking, I smell it. Most times it is repulsive to me, what gets me is hearing someone light up while we are talking on the phone or seeing someone unwrap a new pack. That gives me that “I Want One Now” urge.
My MIL smokes a LOT and when she comes over, even after knowing that her son and I struggled a lot with this, she smokes in our home. In front of our children. She is a hard woman. Once Jonathan, who was 6 at the time, said, “Gramma, you should not smoke in front of little children.” She blew smoke in his face.
I don’t care if they never visit again. Really. I am horrible to say it, but they don’t care enough to take their smoke outside, and they don’t respect us enough to just do what’s right.
I am so glad I have quit and would do and say anything to keep my kids from doing it. It’s sad to say that all three of my kids from that first marriage smoke. I know it’s my influence when they were kids.
Smoking is wrong, smoking is bad. Say what you have to say to keep kids from lighting up even if it hurts someone’s feelings. They’re your babies and don’t feel bad about protecting your babies from the horrors of a smoking addiction.
People are too easily offended. There is nothing wrong with telling your children that smoking is dirty, offensive, disgusting and unhealthy. IT IS. Of course, it’s important to talk about how hard it is to quit, and the idea that smoking can “trap” someone, but let’s not sugar coat it. It IS a filthy habit.
I grew up with parents that smoked everywhere. I have terrible lungs as a result. Every cold I get goes straight into bronchitis. When I get a cough, I cough for 6-8 weeks, instead of a couple weeks like normal people. My mom smoked while she was NURSING ME for goodness sake!
Today, my mom cannot quit. She’s down to about 5 cigs/day, but cannot stop totally. YET, she knows it’s gross. She hides it from my kids. She never wants my kids to know she smokes. She goes outside and plunks herself into unobtrusive places. My mother doesn’t wave cigarettes around on streets where kids walk, etc. She’s not offended when people say it’s gross. She agrees–it’s gross. She’s embarrassed about it. And frankly, I think it’s kind of a good thing. If we get embarrassed about a terrible, unhealthy habit, then that leads us to cut it down a lot, if not stop totally.
I don’t think the comments on the last post were anything that should have offended anyone, DeeDee.
I’ll tell you from personal blog experience that if I were you, I’d stay away from global warming. Talk about stirring some folks up.
On an unrelated comment, let me first say that I am surprised that there is another person named Thea in the world. I just read her comment and noticed her name and my first thought was “i didn’t comment yet…and wait, I don’t smoke…”, but anyway…
I think this post was very nicely written. You are right that perception is a very tricky thing. I think it is a credit to you and your blog, though, that the person who was taken aback by your original post felt comfortable enough to let you know about it.
You have a way of making people feel comfortable enough to open up about things (in comments or otherwise), and I think that is a very special gift. Thank you!!
This was the perfect way to respond to this, DeeDee. You’ve respected all feelings involved.
And I really do appreciate that you brought up the subject in the first place. I am sorry that someone got hurt, but it was definitely good for me to hear that other moms worry about their kids and cigarettes. Obviously, we all come from different places on this, but I think the one thing all moms can agree on is that we do not want our kids to smoke! And it’s nice to hear other mom’s thoughts and feelings regarding this.
I must agree that it probably does set a bad precedent to our children if we reinforce our statements by criticizing other people. I try to teach my children that people smoke and make unhealthy lifestyle choices when they are unhappy inside. Cigarettes can easily become a habit that is very, very difficult to break. I hope this will help them to be more mindful if they do ever pick up a cigarette.
Anyway, just my two cents!
Thanks for helping us all to think about this!
I have such empathy for the commenter you speak of. We ALL make decisions we later realize we shouldn’t have. And we ALL have consequences to pay for those decisions. Smoking is only one and while it may not be one person’s particular downfall, we ALL have SOME temptations in which we need to be encouraged, not kicked while we’re down. Having great difficulty stopping a bad habit is a torturous consequence in itself. I hope for your commenter that God will honor her efforts to try to quit smoking. It is a worthy goal.
I want to add my words of support and apology as well. I certainly hope nothing that I said sounded offensive or off-putting. My sympathies are truly offered to any who are trying to quit a habit. That is beyond words challenging. Though smoking isn’t a habit I have had to conquer, I have my own challenges equally as daunting, though probably not as socially “unacceptable”.
But DeeDee I have to give you kudos to addressing an important topic, for handling it well in your post, and in your defense of the discussion. Would that we all had your grace and charm….
Blessings this weekend to you and yours.
I may be the world’s worst oaf, but I don’t think that you needed to apologize. Not everything in this world is ok and right. Smoking has no redeeming value at all.
I don’t understand what you did wrong, but then again I am probably rotten to the core. I posted my thoughts on the subject on my blog. The difference is that if someone who wants me to light a ciggy for my kids gets offended, I don’t really give a fart in a mitten.
The problem with the internet is that you cannot see the other person on the other side of the comment. I don’t smoke, and don’t plan on it…so I took the comments as “tongue in cheek”…but I can see how someone really struggling with the issue would be wounded.
Please know, while my kids DID make loud comments, they were never encouraged to belittle anyone who smoked, drank, acted weird, or anything else…they all knew that if Momma got wind of it, they’d be in a whole HEAP of hurt…
While it may feel like a conversation on our blogs, it really isn’t, and we do need to be aware that facial expressions don’t show up in our words….
DeeDee you handled the entire matter with grace…and I just love you to bits!!
Having said that, while smoking is a strong addiction that is hard to break…we do need to tell our children as strongly as we can not to let it get its hooks in them…and that is personal choice on how we do it…
I think that there is a difference between telling your child that the habit is disgusting, and telling them the person is disgusting.
I think that if you do not smoke, people need to respect that. If they smoke, they need to do so outside, away from you and your child.
I agree that everyone should talk to their children about bad habits such as smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. But pointing at someone in public and being rude is another thing altogether, IMO. Smoking IS a bad habit, but does it make the person that has the habit a bad person, someone you should never speak to and treat like filth? No.
Saying that, I think your post was fine yesterday, and this post was handled very well. I just found your blog today, and I am adding you to my blogroll!
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