No Smoking Allowed
April 13th, 2007 by FiddledeedeeWhen I was 12, I was caught smoking a cigarette. It wasn’t my idea. It was Linda Edward’s idea. She sneaked the smoke and the accompanying matches from her dad. Linda was way more worldly than I was. She was already wearing makeup and a padded bra. And she cussed. Something that was frowned upon in our parochial school. Linda always seemed to have one foot firmly planted in trouble.
So what did Linda need me for?
I had the vacant field. It was on our property. The perfect place to commit the crime. Tall trees encircled the lot. Concealing two skinny girls, and one cigarette. We hunkered down low and attempted to light up. I used my 85 pound frame as a shield against the dry wind. After three attempts, success. Linda took one long lingering drag. And after a moment, blew out an impressive billow of smoke in one thin trail. She’d done this before.
My turn. I took one long lingering drag. After a moment, my eyes bulged, I turned green, and coughed up a lung. I thought I was going to die. Dying would have been a welcome relief right there, in that dry field. Which undoubtedly should have caught fire as I laid there retching. Linda lifted the cigarette from my shaking fingers and took another drag, while assuring me that I just needed practice.
Um, no thanks. I made a vow to myself never to go near another cigarette again if I lived through this one. I trudged home. As I entered the house, my parents looked at my bloodshot eyes, and came closer to get a whiff of me. “You’ve been smoking, haven’t you?”
Busted.
The punishment was swift and harsh. I was grounded for two weeks from going to the roller skating rink. A fate worse than death. The roller skating rink was the only means of entertainment in that one horse town. The last time I’d been grounded from going to the skating rink was when my mother caught me coming home from a night of skating wearing Linda’s Maybelline Powder Blue Eye Shadow. Those were the worst two weeks of my life. And now I had to endure it again. Life just wasn’t fair.
My parents also forbid me to hang out with Linda Edwards. That I could live with.
In college I thought I might like to jack up my cool factor by trying to smoke again. Surely ten years would have matured my lungs. I practiced and practiced, but never could get beyond the first drag. So, I perfected the art of lighting up and waving it around. Creating an illusion of maturity. And I never, ever inhaled.
Eventually, I realized my quest for cool was a lost cause and left my pack of Benson & Hedges Ultra Light Menthols at home buried in my underwear drawer. Along with my head bands and shoulder pads. Good riddance. Thankfully, that was one addictive habit that I never acquired.
I wrestle with how to approach the subject of cigarette smoking with my kids. In a horrible twist of irony, I lost my mother to lung cancer when she was only 66. So it’s hard for me not to take a hard line on this subject. Yet, I need to teach my kids to have compassion. I’ve seen first hand how hard it is to quit smoking. I’ve also seen first hand what a horrible death can await someone with lung cancer. And how unfair it is that I can’t share my beautiful children with my mother.
My two girls in particular are such opposites. Emme thinks nothing of pointing and staring at someone holding a cigarette. She is the Gladys Kravitz of the house, and will sometimes sit at our front window to report the comings and goings of our neighbors. Heaven forbid if someone should be walking their dog and not clean up it’s poop. Or worse, if a smoker walks by. I’ve learned to keep the front window closed. And the shade drawn.
Cailey on the other hand has been caught pretending to smoke. And her Barbies have been caught pretending to smoke. So, we have our work cut out for us.
What I’ve come up with is that in all important life lessons, we’ll undoubtedly be on our knees in prayer as to how to not screw it up. I’m thinking I’ll be sporting knee pads long before they reach puberty.
And at my age, a cane to get me back up again.
Post Script: After careful thought and consideration, I’ve decided to include the comment from my reader that was hurt by the dialogue that this post caused in the comments section. I think it’s important that as long as the comments are not offensive or blasphemous, everyone should be heard. But, play nice people!
Posted in My Life as I See It | 20 Comments »
April 13th, 2007 at 5:40 am
I could never do it either, the smoking thing. I would just put it to my lips and then quickly pull it away as if I was just too engaged TALKING to be bothered with SMOKING.
Ooh, ick.
It is hard to find a balance in teaching your kids the dangers of something without making it sound altogether enticing to them. We tend toward the disease and death lecture around here and try very hard not to pass judgment on those who do smoke.
The difficult thing here is that it is a prevelant habit with EVERYONE in Holland. Sometimes I feel we are the lone non-smokers. Even at the schools (middle/high school) there are designated smoking areas for the STUDENTS.
That’s a lot of peer and cultural pressure to combat.
April 13th, 2007 at 6:48 am
Ok, I had to tell you that one of my children (who shall remain nameless) had a habit of pointing out people smoking wherever we went and announcing LOUDLY, “Mommy, look at that guy! He’s cigaretting!” Of course, one can get used to anything after awhile and eventually I stopped feeling sorry for the people he pointed out and hoped that perhaps they would be embarrassed enough to quit.
April 13th, 2007 at 8:50 am
I take the Gladys Kravitz approach. We heartily ridicule anyone smoking near us. (Don’t try this on a mean city street!) We point them out, we say it’s a nasty habit, we say it stinks, we say it’s filthy. The kids know that. I’m a recovering smoker (just like I’m a recovering Catholic). It’s everything the kids and I say it is. And it’s so hard to not step outside and light one up when I’m driven crazy by the kids.
I’m with Marybeth — the smokers know it all. If approached, I’m sure they’d tell the kids they’re dead-on target. (Again, don’t try this on a mean city street. We’re in the ‘burbs.)
April 13th, 2007 at 9:03 am
I think about this all the time!! It is SO important to me that my children never, ever pick up the habit. But I am also aware of the fact that if I am too overzealous in my warnings, I will only make smoking sound intriguing and exciting when they’re older. I try to “casually” menion how stinky cigarettes are, and how bad they are for our bodies. My children are young now, so they listen to everything I say.
But I do worry about later–it is such a difficult habit to break and not uncommon for teenagers to see it as cool. I did. I saw the older girls in school smoking and I thought they looked so classy and mature.
Good post topic! It’s hard to know how to handle this one.
April 13th, 2007 at 9:25 am
As a past smoker (nearly 20 years) I am very happy the habit never took with you.
I know in DE they have banned all smoking in public places. Bars included. Made the casinos mad I tell ya! Now here in MD they are going along the same lines. There is a law underway to ban smoking in public places as well. Last night they even spoke of it being banned in cars!
My point is…maybe, just maybe, this will be an area your children may not be as influenced with as we were. Having a grandparent who has died will be of help in the area of talking to them (God rest your mother’s soul.) I lost my Grandfather to lung cancer as well. The difference was by that time I was already a 5 year smoker. So it scared me yes, but not enough to quit the awful habit.
Good luck!
April 13th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Don’t know if you would agree with this or not. My aunt smoked and I thought it was the coolest looking thing ever. I was between 8 and 10. I pretended all the time to smoke just like my favorite aunt. While visiting her one evening I watched as she lit up. My mom asked me if I would like to try one! YES! She let my aunt light one up for me and mom told me to make sure I inhaled enough to blow smoke. Okay Mom!! One big puff and I threw up a lung. Nastiest thing I have ever done. This definitely showed me that I NEVER wanted to do that again! I was a pretty shade of green though.
I am sorry about your mother. My uncle died of lung cancer and it was horrible watching him. We’ll pray that our children never decide to smoke, ever.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Isn’t that the truth? That eventually all of our parenting efforts will probably be held up against our prayers? It causes me to wonder each time my children mess up really badly – “Do I REALLY trust God to take care of them? Or am I REALLY relying on my own (false) strength as a mother?” Tough stuff. I know prayer will give you the right answer. And it’s probably a different answer for each family and set of circumstances. I started smoking in college just to get used to the smell so my roommates smoking wouldn’t bother me so much. How stupid is that?! Luckily, it wasn’t too hard for me to quit a couple of years later. Thank God!
April 13th, 2007 at 10:41 am
My oldest says with pointed finger, “Look Momma. That person is smoking, don’t they know it will kill them?” Of course this is said loud enough for people in three states to hear. My youngest is the police.
My sisters and I played smoking with my dad’s cigarette butts. Remember candy cigarettes? We thought we were soo cool walking down the street with our pack rolled in our t-shirt sleeve while we huffed on one. Of course we had perfected the “cigarette” hold with our index and middle fingers.
I’m sorry about your mom.
April 13th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Oh, how I wish I had some wisdom to give you, DeeDee! Our oldest started smoking and hid it from us. When we found out we were both devastated…my mom and dad smoked like chimneys and I developed bronchitis as a child…they finally quit when I was in junior high. My husband’s mom died from lung disease from smoking, the day before our son was born.
I think it was my husband who tried to teach my kids to say, “Hey, look…it’s a cigarette smoking a man!” Because in reality, we don’t smoke them…they smoke (kill) us….
April 13th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Oh man, I have the same daughter! The only time she raises her voice is when she is sending out an alarm that somebody has done something hideous. Lol!
April 14th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
I’m glad you’re approaching this not “leaning on your own understanding,” and acknowledging God first. It’s so comforting to know that He will tell us the next step whenever we ask Him.
I will probably try to teach my kids about the health risks without scaring them, hoping that will be enough. However, I will NOT condone ridiculing or otherwise embarassing the smokers we see in public. Each of them has made their choice, like we have made ours, and must live with the consequences. I will try hard to teach my kids that they have the choice to look at the planks in their own eyes before they point out the slivers in the eyes of others. Lord, help me!
April 15th, 2007 at 5:21 am
I don’t think it’s fun or funny to point and loudly ridicule someone who’s smoking, as some other commenters have suggested. These are folks who have an addiction that they can’t kick, for whatever reason. They have probably tried many times. You wouldn’t ridicule anyone else, and you teach your children not to ever ridicule anyone – why then are smokers ripe targets? You’re giving your children mixed signals and telling them it really *is* okay to ridicule and judge. You’re also welcoming the opportunity for your children to be scared to death by someone who is just as impolite as you are (or simply not sheepish) and comes over to loudly say “Excuse me? Do you think it’s nice to point and talk about people who are different than you are?”… and think of all the ways this could escalate and frighten the children. Seeing Mommy and a Stranger yelling at each other isn’t going to teach them a thing about smoking, it’s just going to scare them to death.
I suggest nipping this in the bud while Cailey’s young and impressionable. Borrow a cigarette from someone (or take her to hang out with a smoker for a couple of hours). Light it up. Let her smell firsthand how stinky it is. Let her try to take a puff (and pray that she’s not a natural smoker who can handle it with ease). Hopefully, like Amy above me, she’ll toss up a lung and quickly decide this isn’t so cool for her and her Barbies after all.
It’s better to make it a harsh, stinky, vomit-inducing reality than an unexperienced forbidden fruit that looks and seems cool.
My Mom, who smoked all of my life and still does, gave me this same experience when I was about 6. I vowed never to smoke.
I kept that vow to myself until I was 24 and was going through something extremely horrible and couldn’t stop shaking. A co-worker handed me a cig and told me it would make the shaking stop. I took a puff just to humor him, but it worked (no violent physical reaction that time, unfortunately) – and I’ve been smoking ever since. I did quit for a month earlier this year and I am getting ready to quit again for good. I know if I can do it for a month, I can do it for good.
Hopefully Cailey won’t make the bad choices I did and end up in a situation where a cigarette would actually *help* her, and the early impression would stick for all of her life.
I teach my kids not to ridicule anyone, and to stand up to ridicule. If anyone and their children were making a fuss about how stinky and filthy I was -for any reason- you can rest assured I’d personally come over and have a talk with those children and their parent. Mainly the children, and I would be calm and polite; but I would not sit idly by being “embarrassed” or ashamed. I would admit to the children that yes it’s a bad habit and causes lung disease, but I would ask them if they’d make fun of anyone who had a habit of biting their nails, or sucking their thumb, or twirling their hair; etc.
Publicly and loudly ridiculing people is inviting a situation where someone who *isn’t* polite and calm comes over and loudly (perhaps violently) defends their right to make choices and their right to exist without better-than-thou ridiculing by a Gladys Kravitz wannabe. And it’s teaching your children that such behavior really is okay, even if you say it isn’t. Actions speak louder than words; kids watch and learn from what you *do*, not what you say.
April 15th, 2007 at 7:14 am
Let me just say that I don’t agree in lighting up a cigarette to give your kid the opportunity to decide for themselves if it is good or not. Why not just do some jello shots to ward off alcoholism?
I would also like to say, and please feel free to flog me, that with all the meds out there, you have to work really hard on not being able to quit to be unsuccessful. And I am a former smoker and know what I am talking about. I have the most addictive personality ever.
If you have a strong enough desire to quit, you can do it. But you have to seek out some medical help to get you there and you have to stop hanging around places and people that bring on the urge. It’s a total lifestyle change. Popping some Nicorette or a patch won’t help if you are still hanging out with smokers.
April 15th, 2007 at 7:28 am
Also, if it is an underlying nervous condition that started you out smoking (the shaking), get THAT treated, rather than self-medicating with smoking. Because you really aren’t helping yourself by masking symptoms with the temporary fix of nicotine.
Ok, I am sitting down and shutting up now.
April 15th, 2007 at 8:25 am
My parents found cigarettes in the liner of my purse at age 16. I told them how ALL my friends smoke, and some of them can smoke in front of their parents. My dad an ex smoker asked me if I wanted to him to light up with me and get addicted after having quit for 12 years. I said no. He asked me if I thought I was cool by smoking, and immeditely tossed me a cigarettte, and a lighter and said light up I am going to be a “cool dad” , and we will smoke together. I said no, and that wasn’t an option! He made me smoke an entire pack as fast as I could, and I cried the entire time, and through up afterwards! I did grow up in a Christian home, I am pretty certain this isn’t what Dobson would have done,but it worked! I NEVER smoked again! (and neither did Dad!)
April 15th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
I’d wondered about this post from something else you’d written. So wow. That’s quite an interesting thing you’ve got going on here.
I grew up in a house that smoked. It all stopped drastically when my mother had a massive heart attack about 5 years ago. She had to be forced to quit.
The problem with having kids point and ridicule is that we’re not teaching them to separate the PEOPLE from their sin. (Not that smoking is a sin – that’s not what I’m saying.) But we all have nasty habits… Caffeine is just as much of an addiction as the cigs. Just as anyone with caffeine withdrawal headache.
We tend to categorize things..as lesser or greater sins. “At least I don’t drink” kind of thing…
One thing we should never do is loose sight of the fact that smoking or non…Jesus loves them all.
My mother is not a disgusting person – though her cigarettes caused her heart problems. She was someone with a habit she couldn’t quit until her heart attack. Some people feel that way about chocolate, or gossip, or coffe, or diet coke.
As for kids pointing – my kids point at the weirdest things. Like the man with no legs at Wal-mart. “Why does he have wheels?” It was an opportunity to have the look at the person and not the wheels.
By the way – on a flip note…My 8 year old daughter is convinced she’s never going to smoke because of the damage she has seen to the TEETH of smokers. I find that an interesting fact that she’s come across.
Anyway — I’l take my soap box and go home now.
April 15th, 2007 at 7:52 pm
I wish I could tell you I have an awesome attitude towards smokers…but I am an ex-smoker (don’t tell my kids, yet…). But I do see what Carrie says…I have NEVER thought about it that way…no sin is greater than another…but here is where my frustration lies (did I spell thar correctly?)…MY CHILDREN ARE AFFECTED BY YOUR SMOKING. They are not affected positively, they are affected NEGATIVELY. For this, I get angry. I don’t want your smoke in my car…so I don’t have an answer…and I welcome any answers your commentors have. Carrie, I am going to do something about my mouth with smokers…you are right, ridiculing someone is not right…but if you are a smoker…while I stop ridiculing, could you PLEASE be considerate of my children…and not bring your cigarette near them? Thank you! Ok…my soapbox is now over…
April 15th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
I don’t have a problem if my children point out smokers in a negative way, because their smoke…the stink as well as the chemicals my children are forced to inhale…is invading my children’s lungs and impacting *them* in a negative way. That is far more rude than my children pointing it out! I can have compassion for smokers who have an addiction, but not for those who “share” the by-products of their addiction with everyone around them.
By the way, I just stopped by to tell you I voted for you for Best New Blog.
April 15th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
While my oldest does point out people who smoke, it is not to ridicule them at all. It is “Momma, don’t they know they will die?” Her heart breaks for them and she wonders, “Why if it is so unhealthy do they do it?”
We, as her parents have not ridiculed others for smoking. There was a time, like DeeDee mentioned my oldest thought it was fun and cool to smoke. I told her the consequences of smoking and “we don’t want to do that.” End of discussion.
My girls are taught to be polite and practice good manners. Things they will say to me, for example about smoking or someone’s immodest clothing, they would not say to someone’s face. My “loud enough for people in three states to hear” was of course a slight exaggeration, I hear, the person smoking might hear, we’re still working on whispering loud enough Momma can hear and quiet enough no one else can.
April 16th, 2007 at 6:00 am
Wow– this is such an interesting topic for me because I really struggle with finding a balance here, too. My best friend in the world (my Mom) died a few years ago at age 57 of lung cancer. She started smoking in art school in the 60’s when it was “cool” and could never quit. She tried the patch, gum, you name it and was never successful. That is, until the day the doctor walked in and told her she had stage four carcinoma.
I tried my whole life to get her to stop. My boldest attempt was bringing home a slice of lung with black holes throughout it (smokers lung as it was called in biology) but her addiciton was too strong. Many have agrued that if she quit the day she was diagnosed, she could have quit sooner. Perhaps. But, getting that kind of news will do strange things to you.
I watched her die over eight months and could not do a darn thing. I walked out of that hospital on March 13, 2003 a broken person. I wanted to run and scream from the rooftops “don’t do this to YOUR kids! Don’t make them have to tell their own kids what a wonderful grandparent they WOULD have had…” I was so angry. Not at Mom…but at the cigarettes themselves even though it was her choice to use them.
Bottom line: We told my son the truth about why he never got to meet his Grammy and that she’s in heaven, etc. but we tried to explain that is why we hope he will never take up this habit. The first time I heard him ridicule an adult for smoking, I nipped it in the bud. I don’t care how aggregious the offense, I do not want my child to think it’s OK to openly judge/ridicule another human being like that–especially an adult. If I do, then I am opening Pandora’s Box…making him think it’s OK for him to embarrass people in public. In my opinion, that’s never OK. For most addicts, it will take a lot more than a little boy pointing out their flaws to make them change.
Just my thoughts…thanks for letting me get them out here.
Jill– I really enjoy your blog. Bookmarked it the first day I read it!