(Updated to include photo, because you asked)
Plastic eggs littered my house. Remnants from at least three egg hunts that occurred during the last week at various locations. Plus one from a year ago. I was down on my hands and knees, pulling eggs from beneath the sofa, cushions, and primo forgotten hiding places. Of course I would break them open, to check for booty before tossing them into the plastic egg bin, to store for next year. Any unearthed jelly bean was mine. All mine. I was hoping above all hopes that I would discover a forgotten Hersheys kiss. Just a little taste of chocolate would really make my day.
You’d think that after trying to wriggle into my Easter pantsuit on Sunday and layering two pairs of control top pantyhose underneath just to zip myself, I’d lay off the sweets. But no. And by the way, two pairs of control top pantyhose really do the trick. Unless you have to spend any time sitting. But I’ve digressed. Down a little bunny trail, as it happens.
I opened up a small pink egg. There nestled inside was a truffle. With nuts. Without stopping to think or care where it might have come from, I quickly bit into it.
It was a rock.
People, I bit into a rock. And I don’t mean an old stale piece of chocolate. I’m talking about an ordinary garden variety stone. It is by the grace of God that I didn’t break a tooth.
Later that evening. If you were a fly on the wall, you would have overheard the following conversation in the master suite.
Me: “Honey, since I’m going to be writing about this, I thought you should hear it from me before you read it.”
He doesn’t even look up from his book. After nearly 10 years of marriage, he’s use to my little confessionals. Nothing really fazes him anymore.
Me: (gathering my courage and continuing) “Today I was cleaning up the plastic Easter eggs, and I opened one, and thinking it was a piece of chocolate, I bit into it. Only it wasn’t a piece of chocolate, it was a rock.”
Silence.
Fiddledaddy: (Finally looking up and over his reading glasses. His voice cracking slightly.) “You did what?”
I repeat the whole sordid story.
Fiddledaddy: “Let me see this rock.”
Me: “It’s in the trash.”
Fiddledaddy: “I really need to see the rock that you nearly ate.”
Me: “Okay. What. Ever.”
It’s unfortunate how often I feel the compulsion to go through my trash. Mostly it’s for something edible. And then it’s worth while. But some times it’s for something not so edible, which just feels like a complete waste of valuable energy. At least this time I wasn’t out at the curb digging through our garbage cans in my pajamas.
Me: (Coming back into the bedroom with coffee grounds and egg shells under my nails.) “I can’t find it.”
Fiddledaddy: “Keep looking. What color was it?”
Me: “Chocolate.”
I dig in the second trash receptacle that houses our kitchen garbage. Pay dirt. It was at the bottom. I rinse it off, and bring it to Fiddledaddy. It was kind of like playing “show and tell.” I love games.
Fiddledaddy inspects the rock closely and looks up at me over his spectacles.
Fiddledaddy: “I really think that we need to get you some help.”
Me: “That would be advisable.”
Perhaps, I should wear my glasses more often.
{ 31 comments }
See I know you are skinny………because you made no mention of the panty hose rolling!!!! If you were big at all you would know what I mean
You really went in the trash to get the rock?!?! Well I have to say….I see this is a family problem
……….your husband really had to see the rock……..so don’t always be down on yourself for being a little….um…..shall we say…..(no I dont even want to say)……..your husband seems to fit in with you well.
This has become my favorite blog!!!! Got to say please dont change……..no matter how strange you think you are……..
I have bitten into scraps of things that I thought were candy and turned out to be nasty things. I totally am with you on this one, although I also know my children’s propensities for putting rocks everywhere…
I have one of those–it’s rock number 11 in the Resurrection Egg series: the stone that was rolled away on Sunday morning.
So you clacked your teeth against the Stone that was Rolled Away, a biblical stone, a symbol of Easter Morning. I wonder if there is a way you could spin it so that your discovery had kind of a spiritual twist? If only there were some connection between chomping it and pondering its significance…..
Boy, oh boy, this is so funny and so realistic and so “mommy.” I can imagine myself doing the exact same thing. It’s a good thing I kept my stone-egg contained in the specially made carton with the others, or I’d be telling a hardened truffle story of my own!
Great stuff!
LOL! I really think it could have happened to any one of us
I can no longer see fit to call you by your given name. You will affectionately be known to me as: Dumpster Diving Diva!
It’s gotta a certain appeal, don’tcha think?
I thought I was picking up and chomping on a scrap of hollow chocolate bunny yesterday…and what I got was a leftover piece of sausage from pizza we had last Saturday! Ew! I now look suspectly at all things chocolate.
Snort!
The five second rule–religiously applied at my house would be my advice. (Okay, maybe we give something ten seconds.)
Is he just possibly getting a chuckle out of your compulsion to sift through the garbage?? Does Fiddledaddy have his own hidden blog? Are you sure?
I am going to walk around and shake my head and laugh all day & everyone is going to think I am strange. And I am going to point them to your blog.
And I am so with Lisa in CT–about the rolling pantyhose thing.
Julie
Girls,
The truth is, I DO have a problem with rolling pantyhose, as I have no discernable waistline right now.
And Julie, we don’t implement the 5 second rule anymore. It’s become the 3 day rule, as long as it’s not covered in hair and ants.
You are just too funny. Ever thought of becoming a comedian? We could use a good clean one, ya know!
That is to funny. On Sunday my MIL had an easter egg hunt for the grandkids. They left many eggs at her house. She was sitting down later watching tv and eating the chocolate from the leftover eggs. She wouldn’t share with FIL because it was her find, when she proceeded to put a handful of “raisins” in her mouth before she remembered that she didn’t fill the eggs with raisins. Seems my daughter had collected a lot of roly polys and had saved them for pets for later. Hubby and I couldn’t stop laughing.
That is classic. Love it!
Lol! Though, I think he should be getting you some CHOCOLATE, not “help.”
Well, bless your little chocolate-loving heart! Maybe just a double-check next time would be in order.
While I have never bit into a rock thinking it’s chocolate, I have tried to chew a Sudafed thinking it was a red hot. I have issues, I own them.
As for the trash digging, those that live in glass houses can’t throw stones.
I agree with PeanutButtersMum! After all that, did you ever actually get any chocolate?
Oh my word. You are so funny! All I could think was, “There but for the grace of God go I!”
I have sworn off the control top hose ’cause they hurt when they roll down. I swear by Spanx “Higher Power” underthingees because they suck EVERYTHING in comfortably!
Been there done that. Today the girlies were raiding our Easter egg stash, Goober offered a kiss to her sister (who promptly declined) when I said, “Girlies, any peanut butter you find belongs to me!” Meaning of course Peanut Butter Kisses. (Have you tried those? Yum!)
They of course thought I meant peanut butter, peanut butter.
Ouch. I haven’t done that one yet. Thanks for the warning.
My momma ate some Advil (back when they were brown) thinking they were M&M’s….
I took pity on her and bought her some M&M’s…
I think Fiddledaddy should have to get you some rock candy…and some chocolate:-)
Oh, how I laughed so hard!!! I have dug through the garbage so many times and I am petrified to think of what may be hidden under my sofa!! Good thing I move them once a year (ha, ha!!!!).
My mom hides eggs every year for the grandkids, usually some hardboiled and some candy eggs. One year the Easter egg hunt was rained out and moved indoors. Fast forward to July when we came home on furlough. Something smelled funny in Mom’s house… kind of like a dead mouse or rat… “Mom, do you have mice?” “Well, I sure don’t think so!” Well, since I have a really good sniffer, I began so search out the source of this bad smell, and narrowed it down to the corner of the living room near the fireplace… and there, deep in the fake leaves of a decorative basket, I found a rotten harboiled egg, left from Easter!
One more, for the ‘look before you eat’ catagory. One day a missionary friend was sitting and reading in her living room. Her daughter came up and said, “Looky, Momma!” Seeing what looked like a tic-tac on her daghter’s palm, she took it and popped it in her mouth and bit down, just as her daughter said, “No, Momma, that’s a tikki egg!” Note: wall lizard eggs look just like tic-tacs.
I really think the internet deserves a picture of this rock. You know, just to see if you are as crazy as you sound, or if it really does look like a truffle with nuts.
sweet mercy – it could look like crackle crunch chocolate … that has already been chewed on …
Uhm. You really thought that looked edible? Cause to me it looks like a….well, a turd. Or maybe a meatball. I’m sorry, but I’ve looked at it for several minutes, and I’m just not seeing it. And this from the girl who will eat baking chocolate, and those little wafers of melting chocolate, but…no. Not that.
Okay–If I double post, just shoot me. I’m now fighting with your comments.
Anyway…the five second rule is even pushing it with the 45lb fur trimmed vacuum (an accessory everyone should have) aka Poochie and the bossy old cats who let us live here. Everything is covered in hair. And Poochie doesn’t allow for anything edible to go untouched–the ants have given up.
My more obsessive friends might say I should give up my computer time and chase down those dust bunnies. But then how could I hang out here??
Really glad you posted the picture.
~Julie
I think I’ve got a worse story (but thankfully it wasnt ME lol) About 3 yrs ago when my stepson still lived here with us, a day or two after Easter I had found an intact sky blue robin’s egg, and brought it in and set it on the end table to show the little kids. I got to looking later for it and finally asked “where’d that robin’s egg go?” My stepson got the strangest look and his face and finally confessed “I thought it was a malted milk ball robin’s egg and bit into it!!!!!!!!” ACKKK that still give me a shudder LOLOL. Glad you didnt break a tooth! xxo melzie
I could say something – but AnnKroeker above already said it.
It’s all good.
Thanks for the laugh and the reminder that we’re all moms!
OH MY GOSH, that may be the most hilarious thing I have ever, ever, ever read.
I’m so glad you did not chip a tooth.
the picture totally made it hilarious for me because it looks so much like a rock! i can’t believe you bit into it. i’m still chuckling. you poor thing.
That is some kind of desperate! LOL
I have immense cravings for the Brach’s orchard fruit jelly beans but can rarely find them. Sigh.
This is TOO funny!
I found your blog through the nominations for the funniest homeschooling blog. I will be voting for you! I chuckled a number of times. Think I will add you to my favorites list.
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