A Disturbance On Aisle 2

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I’m one of those weirdos obsessive types that gets up at dark thirty every other weekend to do my big grocery shopping trip. All by my lonesome. Yesterday, my resolve was once again strengthened to continue with this little ritual.

I’m due for my big trip to Wal•Mart this weekend, but I wanted to hit Publix to take advantage of some of their 2 for 1 specials to which I would add coupons on top of those savings. I thought I’d go early in the afternoon, and bring my entourage. For sport.

Jensen was trapped strapped into the stroller, which I was driving, while Emme manned the grocery cart. To her driving credit, only two endcap displays and one elderly patron were compromised. The grocery store was particularly crowded with geriatric shoppers. Cailey flitted about close by.

We made it to the middle of the noodles aisle when Jensen let loose with The Screaming. For no apparent reason. Nothing was being pinched, he wasn’t hungry, it wasn’t time for a nap. Frankly, I was surprised that it didn’t begin in the dairy aisle. Usually The Screaming commences when we enter through the automatic doors. Jensen doesn’t care for shopping.

Well, we were drawing a crowd, let me tell you. Some older patrons were turning their hearing aides off, while other sweet grandmotherly types thought they would stand in front of Jensen and “try to reason with him.” He only got louder. And I didn’t think that was possible. “ARE YOU INSANE? STEP AWAY FROM THE STROLLER. YOU’RE MAKING IT MUCH WORSE,” I shouted. In my mind. I would never say such a thing out loud. But my thought life?

2 Corinthians 10:5
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Let’s just agree that my thought life needs a little work.

Anyhoo. I picked up the pace, trying to get to the end of the list as soon as possible. People were beginning to come by the throngs to see who could possibly be torturing this little boy enough to make him scream that way. I noticed Emme lagging behind a little. I turned to see her stricken face as she said, “Mom, let’s go. This is so embarrassing.” I turned my attention back to the screaming Jensen and hollered loud enough for him to hear, “Dude, you now have the ability to humiliate your sister in public. You have no idea how much you are going to enjoy this!” All the while, Cailey continued prancing and twirling beside us.

I had told the girls that if they were extra good, they would get a cookie when we got to the bakery aisle. Publix has this wonderful policy of giving free cookies to particularly good children while shopping.

It is my long held opinion that it is the MOTHERS who deserve the cookie.

We finally arrived, but unfortunately, there was a long line at the cookie counter. Well, they all heard us coming and parted like the Red Sea. Without a word, the bakery personnel handed me three chocolate chip cookies. I gave the girls’ theirs, and I handed one to Jensen. Saints be praised. Silence. I raised my hands signaling a touchdown, and received modest applause. A few of the ladies nodded with knowing smiles saying, “We’ve all been there.” While I kept repeating, “It’s only a season, it’s only a season,” to myself.

The cookie induced quiet only got us through the frozen vegetables where The Screaming picked up where it left off. But that was the last aisle, and we soon found ourselves in line to check out. I apologized to everyone around us for The Screaming. I handed the clerk my coupons, and she felt the need to PULL EVERY ITEM FROM THE BAG TO MAKE SURE IT MATCHED. I’m not kidding. Again, my thought life went to the dark place. Satisfied, she handed me the receipt and we headed out the door. As soon as we cleared the auto-door The Screaming ceased.

It seems my son is an outdoorsy kind of guy. Doesn’t care for the confines of a concrete building all that much. I stashed all of the freezer items in the waiting cold bag, and we set off for the park. Where I could unleash Jensen into wide open spaces and let him terrorize nature. With the wind in his hair, and a huge smile on his lips, he ran free.

My dreams of my son becoming a doctor or an attorney are all but shattered. I have a feeling that he will lean more toward an occupation that can be accomplished outside. Like football player. Or cowboy.

And again, I’d like to offer my apologies to all of those Publix consumers who still hear a ringing in their ears. But I managed to purchase about $60.00 worth of goods for approximately $20.00. I’m just sayin’.

March 16, 2007

26 Responses to A Disturbance On Aisle 2

  • Oh yeah, I’ve been there. It used to be my biggest pet peeve when the blue hairs thought they could soothe my squawling brat. The darkened corner of my mind was say “let the brat scream, I hope he’s as miserable as I am”
    Needless to say, I was sleep deprived.
    It’s a shame kitchy outdoor markets don’t do double coupons or practicallity for that matter, your little park ranger would probably do well there!

  • Wowzer, what a handful you have. Have you thought of investing in stock in Benedryl for kids? I’m just saying…. LOL

  • I wish, wish, WISH I’d have had a blog when mine were little. I have SO been there, and blogging about it might (just might) have helped.

    Oh, and it was after one of those productions that some well-meaning older woman would come pat me and say, “Enjoy these days, honey… they just fly by!” 🙂

  • Wow, gold star for you, just for enduring it! And congrats for the $40 savings.

    Maybe someone should host a “Thought Life Challenge,” cause I could sure use some work in that department, myself!

  • Yes, I’ve been there, too! Out of respect (and sympathy) I do my best now to NOT look in the direction of screaming children in the grocery store. I always hated getting those looks!

    And those women who say we’re going to miss these days? I say THEY DON’T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT THESE DAYS ARE LIKE.

    The good news is, I believe, these days aren’t going to be wasted. We don’t need to *grin and bear it* and just make it through this season. I truly believe God is using my children and my struggles as a mother to refine me and make me into the woman He wants me to be. That belief doesn’t make the hard times and the screaming fits easier, but it gives me great HOPE!

  • Hahaha! This was such a great blog. My one year old Cora fancies herself a world champion in the art of lung-busting. Seriously, I’ve never heard such unexplainable blood curdling banshee wailing in my life til she came along. And just like you, as all the people turn around to stare (either in sympathy or annoyance), I just duck my head, press my lips together, and press on. (and think of margaritas..lots of margaritas.)

  • Oh me, oh my. Some of my hardest mothering moments have been at the grocery store. Anyone have an 18-month-old that thought they should be able to push the shopping cart?

    Thanks for stopping by for Sweet, Peanut-Buttery Revenge.

  • My little Emma has actually made wine glasses in another room RING from her screaming. It’s a joy. Which is why the kids stay home when I shop.

  • Too funny.

    Reminds me, I need to venture out to the grocery store with my brood. Ok..my two children. I had planned on getting up at o dark 30 to do it but alas I slept.

    Have a great day!

  • “It is my long held opinion that it is the MOTHERS who deserve the cookie.”

    I agree! We usually get the cookie on the way in. Now my son, 19 months, cries “COOKIE!” if his sisters even mention the word.

  • There’s always duct tape! No, no…not for Jensen, but for the blue haired ladies!

  • YOU are so funny! I just hit random and found your blog…I’m bookmarkin’ it and comin’ back for more. Thanks for adding some desperately needed humor to my day!!!!!
    Blessings to you…and next time I pass the free cookie place I will smile about you!

  • Love this post! Boy can I relate. My little guy (17 months) sounds like he is following in Jensen’s footsteps! Grocery shopping for us is an adventure, too. Love your blog. Found you through BooMama! I’ll be back!

  • One time I had my then 2 year old son in a shopping cart and was screaming his head off. A little old lady came up to him and said, “What’s the matter, little guy? Won’t your gramma let you have any candy?”

    Grrrrrammma?? I was only 32!!!!!!!

  • FREE COOKIES????

    I am getting out of Canada, and into this country that gives away free cookies. I would shop every day for that. BTW-my kids are maniacs…I feel your pain!

  • You saved $40!?! I’m SOOOO impressed! And, good for you for not (at least out loud) losing your cool! You ROCK! *wink*

  • Which is precisely the reason why I did my shopping last evening after my husband got home from work. The last time I took my three to the grocery store, the exact same thing happened. To make matters worse, I didn’t have the benefit of the stroller and my 20-month-old commenced playing a game of what we call, “limp biscuit.” I was absolutely mortified! Luckily I had a very nice woman unload my cart for me. Thank goodness for small miracles!

  • If you have toddlers in your house then having a disturbance on aisle 2 is definitely something you can relate to. Although, it is probably more accurate to say the disturbance was briefly interrupted on the Bakery aisle.

    Next time, we should just take a cookie, too. We deserve it!

  • Well, I don’t get a free cookie, but I do manage to eat a whole box of them to unwind once I get home.

  • I went shopping at 6 a.m. last weekend, and when my husband thought I was crazy, I just told him that clearly he had never shopped with three children by himself. I’d rather have my fingernails pulled off one by one 🙂

    So do you think you could bring a stock of cookies laced with Benadryl in your purse next time? Or maybe a pine-scented air freshener for him to sniff. Maybe that would help! 😉

  • Oh my goodness you made me laugh!! Not to laugh at your misery and all… but girl I feel your pain. My munchkins are past the bloody murder screaming phase and have moved onto the temper tantrum and hitting the sibling in the store causing victimized sibling to wail uncontrollably and whine. I avoid grocery shopping whenever possible. I like to wait until we are out of every last item in the house and then beg grandma to come over during their nap so I can escape to purchase more food. Good luck!

  • OMG! I just woke up the baby from her nap because I was laughing so loud.

    OOPS.

    I have a screamer too… he’s turning four next month and every day he screams a little less. Thank you Lord.

  • Oh yes, the Moms SO deserve that cookie! I’ve been where you were and I’m sure I’ll be there again. Thanks for the smile!

  • I wonder if free cookies would work on the most horrendous rude people at church? Keep their mouths stuffed full???
    Yeah, it was a good thought. She doesn’t eat unhealthy food.

  • lol I can totally see that scenario…we have free cookies at safeway too! My kids actually get mad if I go to a different store. I agree with the other poster who wondered if free cookies would work on the rude people who try to “reason with the kids” lol I keep envisioning the twix commercial where the person is asked a question they really don’t want to answer so they stick a twix all the way in their mouth. Maybe the next time one of those people do that you can say “here have a twix and stick in in their mouth” lol Just that site alone might be enough to stop the screamer for a few seconds haha

    your doing a great job hang in there!

  • I wish I had seen this blog when my boys were younger. I have two – 7 and 9. Many times one of the children would unleash their fury on me and the rest of the unknowing world whilst we were in public or at a friend’s home. As a young, early 20’s-something mother, I thought something was seriously wrong either with
    a. my children, or
    b. my parenting skills.
    Thank you for your posts – I now see I wasn’t the only one with hysterical children. Thank the Lord for honest moms! Your blog has had me laughing out loud for the last hour – you’re hilarious!!